Especially in this economy, it’s incredibly easy to fall down that slippery slope of working too much and too often to get that paycheck.
But there are countless things we might be missing out on in exchange for the money, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, especially when someone is either raising a family or being an active member in a wider family.
Redditor sitandthink86 loved being a stay-at-home dad and enjoying his time in his home and with his children.
But when he looked at his wife, who was a workaholic, the Original Poster (OP) was worried his wife would never make memories with their children because of working too much.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife that if I waited for her to make memories with our son, we wouldn’t have any?”
The OP recently shared a fun experience with his young teen son.
“Last weekend, I (39 Male) helped my son (14 Male) dye his hair purple. (Or, my good friend who actually knew what he was doing helped dye my son’s hair while I was there for music requests and object fetching.)”
“It was such a fun day, and I could tell how happy it made my boy.”
The OP’s wife was not happy about the at-home dye job.
“I didn’t tell my wife before we did this, and that was the catalyst for the fight we’re currently having. But for me, it’s so much more than this one incident.”
“My wife has been hands-off with our child for a while now. His soccer games, little road trips to nearby amusement parks, and back-to-school shopping. She’s too busy with work, or too tired from work.”
“So, I’ve mostly just stopped having the conversations. Why would I waste my breath having the same conversations on repeat?”
“The night we dyed his hair, she started crying while we were talking, saying we were making all of these memories without her.”
“I asked her what she expected me to do. If we waited for her to make memories, we would be sitting in a dark room 100% of the time.”
“My son isn’t even really comfortable with her anymore. There is no ‘I can’t take you, go ask your mom.’ Now it’s, ‘I’m sorry I can’t take you, let me see if (friend) is free that day.'”
The OP’s wife didn’t take the feedback well.
“My wife isn’t speaking to me now, and I’m wondering if I took it too far.”
“I don’t know. I was hoping some brutal honesty would change something.”
“I would’ve loved having more kids, but I guess it’s for the best now that she said no.”
The OP then updated the post with more details about his role as a stay-at-home dad.
“I’m a stay-at-home dad. The original plan was for me to start working again when our son went to kindergarten, but my wife was gunning for a promotion around that time and asked me to stay at home longer.”
“Once she got the promotion, her hours increased, so that time was extended once again. I am responsible for all the household chores and general home-making tasks. I cook, clean, do all the yard work, all the grocery shopping, etc. I do enjoy being a stay-at-home dad, but I’ve been ready and willing to rejoin the workforce for a decade now.”
“At this point, I will be getting a job when my son turns 16 and can get himself to and from school.”
“But my wife still refuses to cut her hours, even if I get a job, and gets frustrated every time I bring it up. There is no point in my forcing my son to ride the bus or figure out a ride for himself if my wife still won’t make the effort or compromise in order to spend time with him.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and reassured him that he was NTA.
“Listen, this could easily be a gender swapped story. There are so many AITAH posts about wives who’ve stopped trying to artificially create moments for their husbands to be dads. And you are just as NTA as they are.”
“Being a parent is so much more than financial support, it’s about emotional presence. You are there for your son, and it hurts him each time your wife says she doesn’t have time to be there for him so it now hurts him less to ask.”
“Your son is the priority, not your wife’s feelings. She is reaping the consequences of being a parent in finances only. Keep parenting your son, don’t hold back your love for him to make her feel less guilty. NTA.” – crumpledspoon
“Dude, more power to you. I was so lucky that my wife and I both loved being parents, never had this issue.”
“Being a dad is the most fulfilling fun thing I’ve ever done and I’ve pretty much spent my life pursuing fulfillment and fun.”
“Keep at it, don’t let her stuff bring you down. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.” – TouristTricky
“NTA. I had a mother whom I have no childhood memories of because she did nothing with me. I just existed in the same house as her.”
“At least you are bringing up the problem with her, believe me, your son will remember the emptiness where their relationship is supposed to be.” – GillianHolroyd1
“I am so sorry you all are going through this. It’s hard work being available 16 hours a day, which is what being a spouse, parent, and worker bee requires. My mom was a SAHM, and usually when he got home from work, my dad would lie down for 15 to 30 minutes. That quiet break between jobs worked for him. Rest/nap and then back up and ready for the second shift job (being our dad).”
“My little brother never got that. He was a C-suite guy at a very large company and was determined to rest after work (drink beer and watch baseball). It basically left his wife as a single mom, and after their divorce, I don’t think his daughters missed him at all. I mean, what was there to miss?” – Mighty_Muppet
“NTA. My friend, you need to zoom out. This has nothing to do with your son or his hair. Go have an honest conversation with your wife. Best of luck.” – The_Octane
Others agreed and said that while the feedback was harsh, the OP was right and NTA.
“NTA. Your kid cannot go into stasis until your partner magically has time. Literally nothing works that way. The things you do now are the childhood memories your child is going to have.”
“My ex was super checked out on the kids until we divorced. It was like he kind of realized that he wasn’t being that bad, because if he was that bad, I would leave, and me saying I was leaving upended his denial. (Fwiw, this got my career moving again and now I do sometimes have to say no to my kids because of work, but I try to create time for them around work obligations, AND their dad is now available.) There is no guarantee it works that way for everyone.”
“So, I guess, do what you’re doing. Have the moments with your child as they come at you, and tell your wife that the only way she gets those moments is to take them.”
“Some of my best times with my kids have been tiny, tiny things. Stand by the front door and yell that you’re going to the store for snacks and twenty bucks will get you a half hour of delightful teenage company.” – eaca02124
“NTA. At least you are there for your son. He deserves at least one of you to remember he exists.” – PsiBlaze
“My son just turned ten last week. TEN! He’s now riding his bike on his own to and from school and is loving the independence. But he’s also still sharing so much of what’s in his head with me, and he confides in me when he’s feeling insecure or nervous or unsure of something. He doesn’t do this with his dad in any measure near to what he does with me.”
“Who goes to say good night and sleep well, and I love you every single night with rare exception? I do. Who sends memes and chats back and forth in the family chat? He and I do. Who remembers every birthday and even celebrated his favourite teddy’s birthday too for years because he said when he was wee that September eighth, his birthday?”
“Husband does none of this, nor does he really have his own rituals with our son to create these bonds. I am not looking forward to the shocked Pikachu face in a few years when our kids have no interest in spending time with their dad as adults.” – scubahana
“NTA. Have her watch the movie ‘Click’ with Adam Sandler. Only, too bad for her there is no rewind function to start over and try again. She’s messing this up big time, and it’s like she doesn’t even notice that the problem is her, not you or your son.”
“My work schedule is insane, and yes, I AM tired a LOT of the time from it. But no matter how tired I am, I always make time for my child to have bonding time. We go to amusement parks, the beach. We have special time during bedtime routine every single day. You cannot abdicate from parenthood and then be shocked you have no core memories with your child.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
“NTA. She’s feeling regret. I’d recommend her some therapy to deal with that and to help push her into changing before it’s too late for her to bond with her son at all.” – StragglingShadow
There’s something promising about the OP’s wife confiding in him that she was concerned about missing out on these memories with their children, and it was important for the OP to give her the reality check that she needed to realize how serious all of this was.
Unless the OP’s wife reevaluated something, she’d have to miss out on the memories and just make peace with that. If she couldn’t do that, something had to give.