When you break up with someone the dynamic changes with the people around them as well.
For example, you can no longer rely on their family in the same way. But, some people have a hard time understanding that.
Redditor LockedGateProblem encountered this very issue with her brother and his ex. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for locking my former SIL out of the backyard during her daughter’s birthday party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My brother Todderick (40M) finally broke up with his girlfriend Aisha (36) two weeks ago. They were together about two years, on and off. I was shocked their relationship lasted as long as it did, because they never seemed to enjoy being around one another.”
“It was just a lot of weird drama that I told them I wanted no part in. Aisha has a daughter named Kimmy, who is pretty well behaved and polite, from what I have seen.”
“Two months ago, when their relationship was good, Todderick asked to have Kimmy’s birthday party in our backyard.”
“I said we would get back to them, because we have guests planning to stay with us (husband’s cousins) and with the whole ‘health problem’ going on… We didn’t want people, especially children, in our home.”
“Todderick told Aisha, who called to assure me they would stay in the backyard. It was going to be Kimmy and her best friend.”
“They would be gone in two hours. No rush. All hush.”
“I said maybe, but call me two weeks before and I would let her know.”
Then, circumstances changed.
“Well, Aisha and Todderick broke up.”
“This morning, while I was asleep, Aisha knocked on the door.”
“Hubby answers and it’s Aisha, some other adults, a group of kids (about six) and a wagon full of party stuff. She says she needs to set up the backyard, the kids are so excited.”
“He closes the door, says he will be right back, and gets me. I come down and Aisha is at the back gate, trying to open it.”
“I told her, ‘Hey, this isn’t happening. You need to leave’.”
“This led to Aisha starting to cry and say she doesn’t know what else to do with everyone. I suggested going to the park and just having fun there.”
“But I was not hosting them.”
“Todderick thinks I was an a**hole for doing it. He says that Aisha might have been dramatic, but if they were all there why not let them have the party?”
“I said, well when you get a pool and have a backyard, invite Aisha back over. He shut up after that.”
“AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect that they host you and all the people you brought without both of you clearly agreeing to it beforehand.” ~ lukewarmceilingtile
“Agreed.”
“Sounds like Aisha tried to bulldoze OP and putting her on the spot thinking OP would cave. Little did Aisha know, OP don’t play that game of ‘being walked all over.'” ~ hello_friendss
“Yeah I’m happy that OP has healthy boundaries! No reason to feel any guilt over this blatant attempt at emotional manipulation.”
“If OP had looked uncertain, be sure Aisha would have gone all ‘bUt yOu AgREEeEEed’ on them.”
“Such people really make my skin crawl. Huge NTA.” ~ Darktwistedlady
Some were curious about her brother’s relationship.
“NTA, but Todderick and Aisha will probably get back together again.” ~ OK_Sympath_26_points
“If that happens, then he is on his own. I am certainly done with Aisha.” ~ LockedGateProblem
“This very well might be the catalyst for that! they will have discussion over OP, and realize she’s the the one they must be against, and not each other.” ~ fortwaltonbleach
Some argued it wasn’t OP’s responsibility to make Aisha feel better.
“NTA as long as you never officially said yes. She never followed up so on her for assuming it was still on. Your property so your rights.” ~ bellsofwar3
“I never said yes. It never came up again until she showed up at my door.” ~ LockedGateProblem
“And if you had just let them use the backyard, next thing would have been people parading through your home to use a bathroom (as I assume Aisha didn’t bring a portajohn with her).”
“This would have been one big out-of-control mess! NTA.” ~ MidwestNormal
“Nope. So either the kids would have peed in the pool or in my backyard. I was really annoyed being woken up on my day off to find out Aisha was still being her normal intrusive self.” ~ LockedGateProblem
“That was my first thought. There are better ways to fertilize your flower garden and who wants to have strangers peeing in your pool? Or being loud in your backyard before you even wake up.” ~ KnightofForestsWild
Many argued it was her brother’s fault.
“NTA wtf is your brother like!? Everyone seems totally inconsiderate here, and sucks that the kids were disappointed but sorry, surprise pandemic party host? Nope.” ~ DiamanteDog
“He doesn’t like to be the bad guy. He dates people he thinks he can save. Makes him a great friend/sibling, but a really bad romantic partner.” ~ LockedGateProblem
“He doesn’t like to be the bad guy. He dates people he thinks he can save. Makes him a great friend/sibling, but a really bad romantic partner.” ~ LockedGateProblem
“Sounds like someone needs to point this guy in the direction of the nearest therapist. Or at least grab him a copy of ‘The Disease to Please.'” ~ 0biterdicta
“Sounds like something I need to read.”
“I literally bend over backwards to allow people to walk over me, while they wouldn’t even piss on me if I was on fire.”
“Then I’m surprised when I get used.” ~ allnamesonredditgone
“You should have him read Codependent No More. Suffering abuse from terrible partners is indicative of it, and he might be able to engage in some self-care and personal growth from reading this.”
“Fair warning, about halfway through it takes a strange turn that I and others disagree with, but I think the first part is valuable and hits the nail on the head for a lot of folks.”
“Also NTA.” ~ WesternOk6500
She should call ahead next time.