Finding good and affordable childcare these days is a struggle many face.
So often, parents rely on loved ones for help.
But that help can come with a lot of strings.
Strings a person can’t always afford.
Redditor FeralGoblinCat to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for reminding my mom that my son is a child?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My son was sick yesterday, and my mom offered to babysit for me since I couldn’t miss work.”
“For context, I (30 F[emale]) am a single mom because my husband passed away in an accident last year. “
“We had 2 kids together, ages 12 and 8, and my 8-year-old has severe A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity]-D[isorder] and Autism.”
“Being a newly single mom, my money has been really tight, and I do get state assistance, but not a lot, and my husband didn’t have life insurance, so there was no money left to us from him.”
“My mom and sister help me with babysitting if the kids are sick or if there is no school, cause I can’t afford a sitter.”
“The issues came when I told her I didn’t have food to spare right now cause I haven’t been able to go shopping yet, and to please bring her own food or be prepped to have to have to buy herself food cause the food I have in the house is strictly for the kids until I can get to the store this weekend.”
“We were all super sick last weekend, and I don’t live in a town with a grocery store, and the closest one is a 30-minute drive.”
“She said it would be easier to take my son to her house than to go to my house, which I was okay with, but 8 an 8-year-old hates going to her house.”
“When she comes to get him, he has a meltdown because he doesn’t want to go to her house.”
“I ask if she can just stay, and I can find a way to get more food before the weekend.”
“She said no and insisted he had to come with her, and that made it worse.”
“Now my mom has not had great patience, but she and my sister are the only sitters I have right now, cause they don’t charge me much, just the gas to get here.”
“Well, she lost it and started yelling at me and him that she didn’t have time for this, and she had plans that day she canceled just to watch him( she didn’t mention this to me when I asked).”
“She also said, I quote, ‘I wish we could trade lives and I could lie around and throw tantrums all day and you can go to work and just have everyone use you and take your money all the time.'”
“‘How much it must suck to be you and do whatever you want while I have to do nothing but take care of other people.'”
“I never borrow money from my mother, but my sister and grandma live with her, and they don’t work.”
“So I know she is under a lot of stress, and she takes it out on me a lot.”
“She calls me a burden.”
“Lets me know how much my tragic loss has affected her negatively.”
“Calls me other names or yells at me for things my sister or grandma does.”
“I didn’t yell or argue.”
“I simply covered his ears and looked at her and went, ‘Mom, he is 8.'”
“She lost it and screamed, ‘F*** you then, miss work and lose money, I don’t care, I am leaving,’ and then she left.”
“Now she says she will not babysit for me again, so I can know true struggle, which, if she follows through, means I have to miss a bunch of work or find a sitter I can trust that won’t break my bank.”
“So I am wondering, should I have cut her a break, knowing she is under so much pressure, and I understand she is frustrated and needs to get it off her chest, but I feel like a verbal punching bag, and I don’t want my kids to have to deal with that as well.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, but just a heads up, if you’re in the US, your children should be eligible for survivor benefits from Social Security.”
“Your 8-year-old may also qualify for services like respite care and possibly SSI benefits that would help cover the cost of an appropriate babysitter.” ~ b00kbat
“SHE’S under pressure??”
“What about all the pressure you’re under????”
“She’s throwing a toddler tantrum as an adult because an 8-year-old (who recently lost a parent) is misbehaving a little. NTA.” ~ Sarissa32
“NTA. If your mom is that stressed, she shouldn’t watch your kids.”
“Personally, she sounds extremely toxic, and contact should be minimized.” ~J azPrncess1
“This is definitely one of the more depressing posts I’ve seen on here, and I really hope OP finds some of the advice helpful.”
“I was just sitting here, annoyed because a coworker brought her 2-year-old in for the third time this month.”
“Management cuts her some slack when daycare falls through.”
“He’s not super loud, but he does run around and giggle and babble as toddlers tend to do.”
“I never say anything, but I always do a mental eye roll when she walks in with her kid.”
“This post serves as a good reminder to show a little grace in situations like this.”
“It’s only a minor annoyance to me, and we never know what people are dealing with at home.” ~ midnightsunofa*itch
“NTA. From what you have said, I can understand why your 8-year-old doesn’t like going to her house.”
“As another commenter stated, she’s allowed to have her feelings, but taking it out on you and your children?”
“That’s not healthy.”
“For anyone.”
“Think about it… she won’t help a struggling widow with a special needs child because you don’t have food to spare in your house right now… so YOU can know what to means to struggle.”
“If you can’t or are unwilling to help, say so, but don’t use that ‘teachable moment’ as an excuse.”
“It’s absolutely cruel.”
“And I would reach out to a church.”
“They may not be able to step in and actually help, but the pastor and the elders may very well know of resources that can help you.” ~ Library_Lady1785
“NTA. She is an adult.”
“She’s allowed to have her big feelings around other adults, but it’s immature as hell and very damaging to take that out on an 8-year-old.”
“You did the right thing in refusing to let her treat your child like that.”
“For babysitting, do you have a church near you?”
“They will probably try to convince you to join the church (that is unavoidably part of it), but they might have access to some kind of program to get temporary daycare access for single mothers.” ~ sikkerhet
“NTA. In fact, I don’t believe it’s safe for your child to be left alone with a person like this.”
“She has uncontrollable rage and resentment.”
“Those issues are not safe for any child, especially one with special needs.” ~ Medusa_7898
“I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.”
“For additional support, go to the Social Security office if you’re in the US.”
“Your children are eligible to receive assistance until they’re 18.”
“Good luck.” ~ LittleHawk_737
“NTA- She obviously doesn’t understand that an autistic meltdown and a temper tantrum are not the same thing.”
“A meltdown is a loss of control due to sensory or fear of future sensory issues (maybe grandma’s house doesn’t smell right to your son, for example), while a tantrum is a way a child gets their own way.” ~ Sorry-Visit-6743
“Your mom is toxic.”
“Find other friends, family, church, and any other financial assistance you can apply for or get.”
“You and your kids have been through enough; you don’t need anyone else adding to it.” ~ askingyou325
OP came back with an Update…
“My mom is banned from my place of work, and I will no longer be speaking to her, my grandma, and will be limiting contact with my sister.”
“I was sent home early due to my emotional state.”
“They showed up before my lunch break and demanded to talk to me, and when my boss said no, my mom lost it and started screaming at her so loudly I could hear down the hall from my classroom.”
“She sent another staff member to get me to try to defuse the situation, but my mom only started screaming at me that I wasted her time and her gas because she was going to have to wait around all day for me.”
“I told her I go to lunch at 12:15 pm every day, and she showed up at 10:30 am.”
“While calling me all sorts of names and cussing with every other word.”
“I asked if we could go outside to talk, and she said that she no longer wants to talk to me and that she just came because my sister asked her to.”
“I didn’t know that my sister did that; she made it seem like it was mom’s idea on the phone.”
“One of my coworkers is going to be retiring a week before Thanksgiving and told me she will watch my kids during school breaks after she retires, for the same price I paid my mom after everyone gets to see what my mother was like in person.”
“She said she doesn’t feel right having me keep her as a sitter after her behavior today, and she understands how hard being a widow is.”
“She lost her husband when her kids were 10 and 14, but I had no idea until today, since she never shared much about her personal life. “
“We ended up having to talk to the police about my mother because she was refusing to leave, and they came and escorted her off the property.”
“After they left, my sister called me to tell me my mom blocked me on everything and told her she no longer has 2 daughters, just one, and that my sister is forbidden from coming to see me or watching the kids while she lives with our mother.”
“Luckily, she will be moving in with her fiancé after he gets back from deployment.”
“Thank you for all the advice I applied online to social security, but received an automated email response saying that due to the federal shutdown down the local office is closed, and they will check my application as soon as someone returns to the office.”
“Also, in case anyone wonders, my coworkers knew childcare was a struggle for me, but didn’t have any advice to help me with childcare because most of them don’t have kids, or their kids are already grown.”
“But the lady who offered to help is one of my favorite coworkers, and she has come over to help me make decorations for our classrooms at work, so she knows my kids, and they really seemed to like her whenever she came by to work on work things.”
“And I know she is fully certified and trained to care for a special needs child, as everyone at my place of employment is.”
What a stressful situation you’re in, OP.
Reddit is with you.
So sorry for your loss and your struggles.
You did the right thing by ridding yourself of your mother.
She sounds very toxic.
Thankfully, it sounds like help is on the way.
Good luck.