Going off to college is a major decision full of new experiences, choices and struggles.
But losing a partner and having a baby during that time, too, would make it much more difficult.
One young mother found herself trying to have it all, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, didn’t feel like she was always getting the support she needed from some of her family, though.
But when she was called out for demanding too much, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if she was in the wrong.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my brother he’s not acting like family?”
The OP went through a lot in the past few years.
“My brother (19 [male]) and I (20 [female]) have lived very different lives the past few years.”
“When I was 18, I was about to head off to college when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided to keep the baby and raise it together.”
“Unfortunately, there was a horrible accident and my boyfriend lost his life.”
“I was too far along for an abortion and decided to keep it and raise it.”
“My family has been so supportive and helpful through my darkest times. My parents look after my wonderful daughter when I need a break, go to work, and since I decided to go back to school.”
The OP recently asked her brother for help.
“My brother has gone off to college and is about to finish up his first year.”
“I must admit that while he’s been a devoted uncle, he’s not helped me with my daughter as much as my parents. I admit ot does bother me at times.”
“Recently my mom was put into the hospital for an emergency operation. My dad was with her and my brother was about to have exams.”
“I wasn’t able to get off work and had my own exams, so I had an issue with childcare.”
“I texted my brother, asking if he’d come home to help out with my daughter.”
“He told me he wasn’t able to.”
“He had his own exams and while some were online, he wanted to stay so he could concentrate.”
The OP did not take this response well.
“I told him I was upset with him and he wasn’t acting like family. I was very upset with him.”
“This isn’t what family does.”
“I told my dad about my frustration, but he told me that it’s not his job to cater to me and my child. He has his own life, and my dad told him to stay at school and focus. My comment was uncalled for, too, he said.”
“Am I really wrong about this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said it was no one’s responsibility to take care of the baby but OP’s.
“Sorry but YTA, it is no one’s responsibility but yours to watch your child. People can offer to help but if they don’t, you cannot be upset at them.” – droopyvato
“YTA, no offense, but the kid is yours. You are the one who got pregnant. It isn’t his responsibility to help you with childcare.”
“He has his own life to worry about. You made your choices, let him have his choices.” – sweetdreamsvenom
“YTA. Your daughter, your responsibility.”
“‘But, but, but, faaaaaamily.’ No. Stop it. No. Just because you and your brother share” DNA doesn’t mean that he should miss his exams. Why should he do that when you could’ve left work?”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you and your daughter. It’s best you learn that lesson now.” – GuinevereMorgan
Others agreed and appreciated the OP’s father speaking out.
“YTA Your dad is right. He has his own life and does not have a responsibility to take of your kid.” – dr_paradoxer
“YTA. I agree with your dad. You mention he’s a fairly decent uncle as is. He had exams that his future depends on.” – Idontcare100989
“I’m glad the dad recognizes that the OP’s child is not her brother’s problem and his exams are just as important as hers. She should be organizing a babysitter (one she’ll have to pay for) instead of throwing tantrums.” – Dashcamkitty
Some pointed out that the brother wasn’t selfish but needed to put himself first.
“YTA – Sorry but your dad is absolutely right. Your child is not your brother’s responsibility.”
“Him not dropping everything to come home and babysit does not mean he is not acting like family. He has his own commitments and responsibilities.”
“Don’t put those expectations on your brother. You’ll end up both resenting each other. Find a babysitter.” – ah_macaroni
“I’m going to try to say this as nicely as I can because I actually have huge respect for you raising a daughter, working, and going to school.”
“With that being said, your brother is responsible for his own life. No one else’s. It might be a tough thing to come to terms with but no one is obligated to help you.”
“It would be completely different if your brother was sitting at home doing nothing and refused, but he has exams and is obviously trying extremely hard to pass them. YTA in this situation.” – Round-Chef5584
One Redditor also questioned the OP about how she views herself.
“So I think something has happened that is very common for people who have been through very hard times. You have become self-involved.”
“Now I’m sure your first instinct is to deny this and get defensive. Natural. But take a step back and really think about your impact on the people around you.”
“Imagine two columns: on one side, the people who have helped you financially, emotionally, logistically, etc. Your parents, family, friends, coworkers, teachers, etc.”
“Think about what they’ve sacrificed, the inconvenience they’ve endured, the slack they’ve given you, the responsibility they’ve taken on, the favors. All of it.”
“Now in the other column, list what you’ve sacrificed or done for those people. Not your daughter, that’s your job, but for everyone else.”
“And I’m not talking about a piece of advice or vague ‘support’. Actual sacrifices, inconveniences, and responsibilities. I suspect those two columns look very different.”
“There is nothing wrong with needing help, especially when you’ve been through what you’ve been through. And it sounds like you’ve done pretty well for yourself.”
“But somewhere along the way, I think you came to the conclusion that since your road was harder (mostly because of your own choices) that it is more important.”
“It’s not. You are not more important than those around you. And you are not entitled to whatever parts of their life you want.” – Mysterious_Salt_247
Though having aid from the family is immensely helpful, learning to expect that help is anything but beneficial.
Setting aside vacation days for emergencies, having an on-call babysitter, or even knowing a few friends that could be called from time to time seem to be the next steps the OP needs to take.