Can heterosexual men and women really be friends, or is the temptation just too great?
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I can.
Since about the age of 12, all of my close friends have been male. Nerdy, somewhat socially awkward guys, but guys nonetheless.
None of us ever dated each other nor—as far as I know—felt any attraction for each other. We were great friends, but not each others’ romantic ideal.
Once I hit adolescence, my autistic brain didn’t connect well anymore with the girls who had been my childhood friends. But I got along great with the guys.
After almost 40 years of friendship, I love these guys dearly, but can’t imagine ever being in love with any of them. I’m sure the feeling is mutual—we’re more like siblings or at least first cousins at this point.
We come from a very rural area—but not that rural. Dating a pseudo-sibling or cousin? Ew… 🤢
So I can relate to a woman whose best friend is a man who she feels love—but no attraction—for. After an incident at her best friend’s wedding reception, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Vivid_Promise_8476 asked:
“AITA for wearing a ‘gold’ dress to a wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, female) put gold in quotation marks because I think it’s more bronze/orange, but maybe I’m splitting hairs and am the a**hole. Here’s the dress which is a pretty typical style for weddings here in Australia.”
“My best friend Dan (30, male) got married to Lauren (27, female) yesterday. We have been best friends since high school, and despite always being platonic with no romantic interests on either side, his now-wife Lauren has always disliked me.”
“Me and Dan would rather eat glass than have anything romantic happen between us.”
“We are just not each other’s type and see each other as siblings. I genuinely don’t think Dan has ever secretly liked me either.”
“In their three years of dating, I have not been allowed to see Dan alone because she feels that it’s suspicious that I want to hang out with him. Honestly, I just missed my friend.”
“Despite me being happily married, she’s always kept me at arm’s length. I always figured this was because she’s from a very conservative family.”
“Dan has spoken to her multiple times. After she’ll back off for a bit before reverting to complaining about him being friends with a girl again.”
“Not just me but any woman. She doesn’t believe in platonic friendships with the opposite sex.”
“It’s not ideal, but she makes Dan happy, so I made my peace with it.”
“That brings us to the wedding. Originally I was going to be in the groom’s party, but Lauren ended up crying saying a wedding is not a place to swap gender roles.”
“Dan was fighting her on this, but I told him I’ll just attend as a guest and not to choose this hill to die on.”
“The dress code was ‘warm tone garden party,’ and we were encouraged to wear earthy warm colours. I picked out a bronze/orange dress that I thought fit this perfectly, and the style even matched some of the examples they gave.”
“In short, I thought I had nailed it.”
“The wedding went great. However at the reception, Lauren dragged me aside and said ‘I cannot believe you would wear gold to my wedding, you’re not the first prize you’re just f**king trashy’.”
“I was so shocked at the moment I just stared at her. She practically screamed at me to leave.”
“She was drawing attention, so I grabbed my husband, said goodbye to Dan, and left. Dan reached out afterward and told me he was upset I left his wedding so soon.”
“Lauren’s mum has texted me saying I ruined her daughter’s wedding and that I’m stupid for wearing a gold dress. She says it’s as bad as wearing white.”
“I was genuinely not aware this was a thing. I want to reach out to Dan to explain, but I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their issue.
“I wore a gold dress to a wedding, and the bride thought this was me trying to be ‘first prize’ and upstage her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I don’t think it would have mattered what colour your dress was. The (now) wife hates you and was gonna find something to yell at you for whatever you wore.”
“If it wasn’t the dress colour, it would have been something else. Tell your friend why you left early, and make sure he knows how his wife treats you. NTA.” ~ Aether-Wind
“NTA. You could have worn a black sack and this chick would have found something to yell at you about. Reeks of jealousy, and I feel so sorry for your friend he just signed up for a lifetime with this person.”
“If it were me, I would respond to your friend with specifically what was said—including the ‘f’ing trashy’ as that is just beyond tactless—and provide the screenshots from both his new bride and MIL. Apple didn’t fall far from the tree with those two.”
“Even if it was a gold dress it DOES NOT MATTER. The only etiquette is not to wear white or ivory. It’s not ‘a thing’ by any stretch of the imagination. You were not in the wrong.”
“I bet you looked great in it and she was too busy envying you to enjoy her own wedding day. How sad for her!”
“Tell MIL she is the stupid one for teaching her daughter such classless behavior. It’s so inappropriate she’s reaching out to you at all.”
“If one guest’s attire is enough to ruin her daughter’s wedding, I question how much her daughter loves your friend anyway.”
“I saw she is not comfortable with her husband having any friendships with the opposite sex. That is.. wildly unhealthy.” ~ ramboans30
“NTA. That dress is orange.”
“Even if it was gold, is that now a taboo color for weddings? I can’t keep up anymore.”
“The only thing I could see wrong with it, is it doesn’t look very garden party to me, but you said it matched examples they gave so maybe it’s their idea of garden party.” ~ WaywardMarauder
“This is very much the sort of dress people wear to weddings in Australia at the moment, and I think she even said this exact style was one of the examples given by the bride.”
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it from either an etiquette or a ‘theme’ perspective. I live in the UK now and I think ‘garden party’ here would imply something different, perhaps floral with a hat.”
“But not in Australia. NTA.” ~ pesky_samurai
“Yep, I’m Australian, and I’ve seen lots of this style of dress at the few weddings I’ve been to recently here!”
“There is absolutely nothing weird or sus about this dress in the slightest. NTA.” ~ salixia
After receiving judgment, the OP provided an update.
“Wow guys, I genuinely didn’t know what to expect posting to strangers on this, but I am so thankful to my husband for suggesting this. I needed a non-biased view on this ‘wearing gold to a wedding’ issue, and now it’s clear that that was never the issue.”
“Many of you asked if the dress I wore stood out, and honestly I know I’m biased saying this, but I genuinely don’t think so. Another girl was wearing the exact same dress but in a dark red which we had a laugh about.”
“Slip dresses are a pretty common wedding guest attire where I am, and it was the type of dress that was recommended by the bride. I think many of you were right in saying that it was never about the dress, but how I looked wearing it.”
“I do want to start this update by thanking my husband, who suggested I post here, and we’ve been having a ball reading your comments since posting. He even posted a photo of us this morning with a caption along the lines of ‘my gold prize of a wife, I am winning in life thanks to you’.”
“Turns out Dan found out pretty quickly what actually happened and called me last night.”
“Apparently Lauren’s mum had told him I was really drunk and told Lauren her dress wasn’t ‘it’ so I was requested to leave. Dan had his suspicions that it was bullsh*t, but it wasn’t until his mum called him that confirmed it.”
“Turns out she was nearby when Lauren pulled me aside and ironically was actually wearing a yellow-gold dress. She ‘tore him a new one’ about letting Lauren treat me like that.”
“Dan didn’t have a solution when he called. I could tell he was emotionally exhausted and pretty defeated.”
“He said he wished I had taken it out on the open bar rather than leaving, but he understood why I left. He thanked me for taking the high road and that it hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
“He apologized for what happened. Apparently, this is an ongoing fight between him and Lauren. For all of those who said Lauren just hates me, turns out it’s 100% true.”
“Apparently, she has been trying to convince Dan to cut me off ‘because that’s what a good husband does’. He said he thought she had gotten over it now that they were married.”
“I told him that he needed to focus on his happiness, that I would always be here to support him, and that I would take a step back if that’s what he needed. They were supposed to leave for their honeymoon yesterday but when Dan called they were still at home, so who knows.”
“I’ve blocked Lauren and her mum and forwarded the messages to Dan as recommended. Thanks again, everyone, for your comments and judgment.”
It sounds like OP’s relationship with her friend is in good shape.
Her friend’s relationship with his new wife and mother-in-law is another story.
It’s not too late for an annulment—just sayin’…