No matter how strong the bond or deep the love, friendships can be difficult to maintain, and adding significant others and children to the mix adds another layer to navigate.
A woman on Reddit became upset after her friend’s children ruined her new rug at a housewarming party, even though she requested the attendance of adults only, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Long-Lifeguard1054 asked:
“AITA for telling my friend to take her children and leave?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“1 (27/F[emale]) have known my best friend, let’s call her Stella since we were teenagers.”
“She got married at 23 and by all accounts, marriage is great.”
“Her husband is a great guy and they now have two kids, (2 years M[ale]) and (6 months F[emale]).”
“Been a part of their lives, babysat for the kids on multiple occasions and love them all dearly.”
“Fast forward to two nights ago, had a bunch of people over for dinner.”
“My fiance and I just moved into a new apartment, we plan to get married at the end of the year and both mutually agreed from the start that we don’t want kids.”
“Not that we’re against them for others, just that it’s our choice and it isn’t what we want.”
They also didn’t want children at their dinner.
“Stella insisted on bringing both of her kids for dinner, even though there was gonna be alcohol and adult chatting going on (nothing nefarious, just not for kid ears).”
“I cautioned against it, but since they couldn’t get a sitter, I folded and said they could hang out in the spare bedroom.”
But it soon became overwhelming.
“Evening was going well until it basically became a babysitting party, need to keep the music/chatter down so her kids could sleep, being insensitive to small kids, etc, having to Uber eats kid-friendly food so they didn’t go hungry.”
And then the breaking point…
“I snapped when her 2-year-old spilled dip all over our new rug, and (this is where I might be the AH, kind of ruined the vibe), and it had just felt like enough was enough.”
“She started out with the whole ‘you could never understand because you don’t have kids’ and I reminded her that it is mine and my partners choice to not have kids, doesn’t mean I have to deal with it and pay to get the rug cleaned ourselves (because she’s insisting she shouldn’t have to chip in).”
“A few people chimed in, though, to say they’re just kids, and it isn’t their fault.”
“But I’m now paying dry cleaning for a rug, and the whole group is really divided.”
“AITA for how I reacted?”
OP added some updates for clarification.
“EDIT; just to update, the uber eats I paid for was a few kid-friendly items like pasta and fruits, which I was happy to pay for.”
“It wasn’t until the rug/dip spill that I felt like loosing my cool.”
“I know I could’ve reacted better but it honestly felt like too much.”
“For anyone wondering about the father of the kids, he was also in attendance of the party.”
“Just kind of tends to take a backseat in these situations, when it was mentioned they both couldn’t find a sitter, it’s because they both couldn’t find a sitter.”
“Mother (and yes, the one I’m closest to) raised the issue about kids after the rug incident.”
“Tbh, my fiance and her husband kind of skated outside to remain neutral. Although my fiance has said he’d rather see something to help pay for the rug”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Anyone who sides with her should be offering to pay for the rug cleaning.”
“She should have been the first to take care of that.”
“She doesn’t respect you or your home.”
“Kids do have accidents but as parents we have to be accountable for them.”
“So I’m watching my kid like a hawk, and I’m cleaning up her messes.”
“And if she damaged a friend’s home? I’m the first one that’s offering to replace/repair it.” – Impossible-Tutor-799
“NTA I always ask if my kid is welcome before bringing them. If it’s an adult party my husband and I decide who goes to the party and who stays home.”
“Sometimes we just skip it altogether.”
“I don’t think this is about the kid being a kid.”
“It’s about your friend insisting her kids be invited, not having a handle on them, and then not taking full accountability for your rug.”
“I’m also not a fan her saying ‘you could never understand…'”
“How is that relevant to anything?” – spookycupcake666
“NTA.”
“Your friend should have respected your boundaries and found a sitter for her kids instead of expecting you to cater to them at your own party.”
“It’s not fair for you to have to pay for their mess, especially when they were causing a disruption the whole night.”
“Stick to your wedding plans my dude. No kids means more money for booze!” – shombrairs
“NTA.”
“When you have kids and take them to a friend’s place you accept responsibility for your kids and any damage they may cause.”
“Meaning you pay the cleaning fees if they spill something.” – SailorCentauri
“NTA.”
“I’d tell those people saying it’s not the kids’ fault: ‘And I’m not blaming the kids or expecting them to be responsible. I am expecting their parent to accept responsibility for their children.'” – Disastrous-Nail-640
“NTA I hate when people do this.”
“Unless they’re older and can entertain themselves somewhere else in the house, kids always become the center of attention.”
“Your friend should have brought food etc with her for the kids, instead of expecting you to order in especially for them.”
“The kids will be kids line is such a cop out.”
“They’re your friend’s responsibility, including any damage they inflict, and it’s easy for your friends to say you’re being unreasonable when it’s not their stuff that’s getting trashed.” – Performance_Lanky
“NTA. My grandmother used to call toddlers ‘chainsaws on legs,’ because they simply break stuff by being present.”
“Parents are responsible for the aftermath when they bring their toddlers out into the world.”
“I don’t fault you at all for being upset.”
“You might consider that your friends lack respect for your home and by extension you, by their behavior.”
“Having a serious conversation about respecting your choices, might help, or not, but inviting them to parties might just need to be an ‘only if you can find a babysitter’ kind of thing going forward.” – savinathewhite
“NTA.”
“If she couldn’t get babysitters, then you should have told her not to come.”
“She may let her house look like a hogs nest, but she shouldn’t expect you to allow yours to reflect her bad choice to not parent her goblins.” – ProfessionalSir3395
“NTA.”
“You didn’t want the kids there and she for sure should have offered to pay for the rug.”
“You aren’t a jerk for getting upset.” – DryArmadillo3001
“Nta if she can’t control them she should have stayed home.”
“You shouldn’t have had to alter your party for a couple of unwanted guests if you can even call them that” – Dominique-Gleeful
“NTA.”
“She decided to have kids.”
“Part of that is missing dinners and nights out.”
“You shouldn’t have agreed for the kids to come but she should either have found another sitter, stayed home.”
“She should be paying for the rug.”
“Just because it was an accident doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences.”
“Kids don’t belong at adult dinner parties” – That_Influence_5716
“NTA.”
“She should have stayed home.”
“You should have insisted on no kids, but she is delusional to expect her host, and the other guests, to have to cowtow to her kids.” – Caramel_Cactus
“NTA. Firstly, it’s low-key insane to bring your kids along to what is clearly an adult gathering.”
“You don’t have kids, no one else was bringing kids, sounds like you tried to politely say no and she steamrolled you.”
“That is not okay.”
“I think this is made worse that she didn’t even bring them their own food, knowing it wasn’t a kids friendly get together, and you had to order them their own food.”
“Absolutely nuts.”
“And as for the actual rug incident – I would’ve been mortified if I dropped something on someone’s new rug!”
“She definitely should’ve been apologetic and offered to pay to clean it, it is just polite.”
“Honestly, I would probably avoid inviting her to events like this if she is gonna insist on bringing her kids rather than get a sitter.”
“They aren’t even at an age where they could maybe enjoy themselves or socialise with the adults – they’re a toddler and a baby!”
“It is totally normal and okay to want to have adults only events where people can drink alcohol and not worry about their language.”
“If your friend can’t understand that, she isn’t a very good friend.” – imamage_fightme
OP offered a final update, and it seems that both parties just needed to hear each other out.
“Stella and I had a conversation.”
“I didn’t realise how overwhelmed she was with her and her husband and the kids, and it was miscommunication on both ends.”
“We’ve all agreed this isn’t friendship ending, and they’re chipping in to clean the rug.”
Sometimes, all you need is a little heart-to-heart.
Glad to hear they were able to sweep this under the proverbially stained (but hopefully now clean) rug!