While there isn’t necessarily only one perfect person for everyone, there are going to be people that you might want to be with more than someone else.
Depending on how much you love that person, you might do anything to be with them, no matter how much it could hurt someone else.
But that love wouldn’t make the hurtful actions okay, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Fit_District6065 discovered that his wife had spent their entire marriage cheating on him with the man she loved before they got together, because her parents did not approve of the other guy.
But when she lashed out at him for waiting to divorce her until after their prenuptial agreement expired, so that he could get the money to take care of himself and their children, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he handled the situation poorly.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for waiting out my prenup before divorcing my cheating wife?”
The OP signed a prenuptial agreement before getting married.
“My wife settled for me. I didn’t know it when I married her but I do now. She was in love with her high school boyfriend whom her parents hated. She was with him all through university.”
“Her parents finally told her that they would cut her off financially if she stayed with him.”
“We met soon after and I fell in love. She did not. Once again, this was a surprise to me.”
“We had a prenup that her parents insisted on. I was in it for the long haul so I had no problem with it. I basically got nothing if we divorced before we were married ten years. After that, it was an even split as long as I was not the cause. But again, I had no intentions of ever divorcing her.”
The OP made an unfortunate discovery toward the end of the prenuptial period.
“But then I found out she continued being with him while being engaged and married to me. She was banging her old boyfriend our entire marriage.”
“I found out after we were married for eight years. I was angry and depressed.”
“I had spent eight years supporting her and her career. She has a much better-paying job than I do. It is high profile and she deals with our government a lot.”
The OP decided to do what he had to do to take care of his children.
“Once I found out, I lost all feelings for her. I knew that if I wanted my kids (ages three and five) to have the same life with me as they would with her I had to hold out.”
“The only thing I did was check on my children’s parentage and get myself checked for STIs. They are mine and I am clean.”
“I decided that I could handle two years of infidelity. I had already done eight unknowingly.”
“I filed for divorce on the day after our tenth anniversary. I let her parents pay for our vacation.”
The OP tried to keep the divorce as drama-free as possible.
“I didn’t do anything dirty like send the evidence I had to her parents. I just had a lawyer draft a claim for divorce. Included was the evidence that the prenup had lapsed and our holdings were to be split.”
“She said that I blindsided her after our holiday away. She doesn’t understand why I would do it.”
“I said that I just don’t think we are compatible anymore.”
“I am prepared to go nuclear if I have to. But I don’t want our kids knowing that about their mother.”
“I am keeping the evidence I have on her boyfriend in my pocket. I can blow up his marriage and make her parents p**sed at her if I absolutely must.”
“I just prefer to end things with me in a decent financial position to take care of the kids.”
“Am I the a**hole for what I did?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some advised the OP to give the affair evidence to his lawyer just in case.
“Even if you don’t want to go nuclear which I understand. I would still inform her that you know and have the evidence of her infidelity. She definitely seems like the type of person who would spin the narrative to make you look bad and her knowing you have this will make that less likely to happen.” – bassmasta1990
“I know someone who did this with his ex-wife. He didn’t want to make it public but had his lawyer present his evidence so she knew he had it. His purpose was to keep her from spreading lies about him. It worked.” – Grilled_Cheese10
“OP, I tend to agree with the above comment. and would let her know what you know. However, before you do so, I suggest you run it by your counsel; who may desire an element of surprise.”
“If you’re given the go-ahead to advise, when you approach and advise her of the information you have, I’d suggest that in the event she doesn’t capitulate to your divorce demands, the following will ensue:”
“1. Your divorce complaint will be amended to include adultery as a ground for divorce.”
“2. Sensitive information that you’ve kept private so as to not embarrass her will be shared and become common public knowledge. Families included.”
“In the event you litigate, you’ll likely receive no more than 50%. However, there is nothing to stop you from negotiating a settlement greater than that. Consider it equity: an additional share of the ‘pie’ for the pain, suffering, anguish, and mental cruelty you endured. She never accorded you an ounce of love or respect.”
“NTA. JUSTICE!” – Tight-Shift5706
“Serving her divorce papers the day after the prenup expires means she will absolutely paint him to be a long-haul gold digger. Op should show her for what she is before she spins it.”
“I don’t think she would even have to say anything for people to jump to that conclusion.”
“He filed for divorce the very day after their tenth anniversary when he would get the money, after returning from a free vacation where their friends and family presumably thought they were a happy couple.”
“The timing without the context of him being cheated on would make people suspicious.” – Past_Reputation_2206
“Make sure your lawyer has a copy of all the evidence. Just print off one of the mid-level d**ning pieces of evidence and have it literally in your wallet or something for when the conversation comes.”
“Then, ‘I have more. This isn’t even the worst. My lawyer has copies of everything. I just want a clean split for everyone’s sake,’ is all you really have to say.”
“But you could always step it up a notch and say, ‘It’s so much worse than this, but I’m doing my best to keep the kids out of this… I don’t want them to think their mother is anything less than she is. I’ll gladly suffer in silence to not destroy that image as this is already going to be tough on everyone but especially them.'” – Silver_wyrm
Others wondered if it was worth the OP telling other involved parties the truth, too.
“After all is said and done on the legal side and the opportunity to spread lies has passed, I would go ahead and let the boyfriend’s wife and the parents know. They should know the truth so they can all make decisions about their own lives.”
“Particularly the parents may want to change their inheritance around to keep it out of the boyfriend’s hands and make sure it goes to the grandkids.” – d**kbutt_md
“The parents should probably be informed before making a decision about what to do with their life’s earnings. We have no idea why they didn’t like her old boyfriend. They could be old racist bast**ds or the boyfriend could just have been a dirtbag and bad influence. We don’t know.”
“But I still think the parents should know considering they were willing to cut her off because of it and were likely the ones who put her through college. I know I would want to know If I was in their place.” – ThexxxDegenerate
“They deserve to know why, and also blow up the other guy’s life too. He doesn’t deserve to get off scot-free. Actions have consequences why do you have to suffer and boil in rage with no repercussions to the enemy.” – Rawchaos
“I think it’s unethical to not reveal an affair to the partner(s) being cheated on. It’s s**tty and unkind to let someone continue wasting their short amount of time on the planet with a liar and cheater. You’d be infuriated if you found out even one person knew you were being cheated on but didn’t say anything.”
“Send an anonymous message with the proof and then vanish. Save his wife from wasting more years with this s**t sock.” – Usual-Average-1101
“She’s going to tarnish your reputation and say you married her for money. You will look bad not only to your kids but to your friends and family too.”
“Tell the truth about her cheating being the reason for the end of your marriage. You don’t have to tell anyone when you found out, just tell them that you found out.”
“Deny her the moral high ground. Because at the end of the day, it’s her who married you for money.” – Choice-Intention-926
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a very brief update.
“My lawyer told her lawyer everything. She knows that I know. Once everything is settled, if I’m allowed, I will inform his wife.”
“It’s been three months since I initiated the divorce, and at a recent kid swap (we have 50/50 custody of our children), she laid into me about how I was a d**k for how I handled things. That’s why I came here in the first place. Thanks for the feedback, guys.”
The subReddit couldn’t help but shake their head at how the OP’s wife handled the situation, finding a way to keep her family’s money while having an affair with the man she actually wanted to be with, despite her family’s wishes.
But they were worried about how the OP handled the situation, not because of his wife but because of the picture it could paint of him. By waiting until the ten-year mark and after a free vacation, it made the OP look like a gold digger if he continued to not reveal the truth behind the divorce.