Pregnancy brings a multitude of changes, both for the person who is pregnant and the people who make up their support system.
But a 29-year-old husband felt his wife might be exaggerating the effects of her pregnancy. So he put his foot down
After criticism and pushback, he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor fruitsnackk94 asked:
“AITA for refusing to get my pregnant wife fruit snacks and demanding she do more chores?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Alrighty Reddit, here we go. My wife (27) is 24 weeks (6 months) pregnant and so far it has been a fairly easy pregnancy (according to her and her doctor, not making assumptions of course).”
“I have done my best to be a good husband. I work full time, started doing all the chores (cooking/cleaning/pet care), and of course try my best to accommodate her cravings.”
“She has been taking it easy and spends most of her day relaxing. She says she’s ‘never felt better’.”
“Being completely honest, I’m starting to get a little burnt out. I love my wife and want her to be comfortable while pregnant but working full time and doing 100% of the chores is very draining.”
“I recently had two separate conversations asking if she’d be willing to do a 80/20 chore split instead, but both times she got offended. She says that it would stress her out and possibly harm the baby, which scared me (I don’t want anything to happen to our baby), so of course I didn’t push it.”
“Yesterday morning (2am) my wife woke me up and asked me if I could go to the store for fruit snacks. She was craving them badly.”
“I have made many late nights runs but this week has been so stressful for me; I worked overtime the entire weekend and a deadline is approaching. I told her I was sorry but I really needed to rest, I was exhausted.”
“She did not like this answer. First she tried to beg more but I kept saying no.”
“This went on for a half hour. Then she started crying and telling me what a sh*t husband I was being.”
“She also said she’s ‘scared to see me as a father if this is how selfish I am’.”
“I snapped at her. I told her I’ve been taking care of 100% of the responsibilities for the past 6 months.”
“She’s been sitting on her phone every single day and hasn’t had to lift a finger. Then I said I was done doing 100% of the chores and we need a more even split because I was losing hair from stress.”
“I will admit I had a tone and was obviously irritated. This caused her to cry more and she kicked me out to the couch.”
“This has caused a huge rift between us. She was pissed at me the entire day and locked me out of the bedroom tonight.”
“My mother-in-law (MIL) has texted me to call me an a**hole. They both said the stress I am putting on my wife will hurt the baby so now I feel super guilty.”
“I am honestly a bit afraid of how she will act when our baby is born. I can’t do 100% of the child care, 100% of the chores, and bring in 100% of the income.”
“She has acted this way before but usually we are able to talk it out and she will start doing her share again. Now she is just outright refusing and getting angry.”
“I need perspective. AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA you know what’s bad for her and the baby?”
“A sedentary lifestyle. If all she’s doing is sitting around.”
“Plenty of women keep active, hold jobs, etc… while pregnant. Unless the doctor specifically told her she needs to be bedridden she’s the AH.”
“She’s taking advantage of your fears, and it’s manipulative AF.” ~ CorrupterOfWords
“NTA. She’s pregnant, not on her death bed.”
“Pregnant women can still do stuff, even simple house work. Single mums manage it just fine.”
“Obviously some chores that require chemicals or certain movements /positions etc… aren’t as feasible, but something like washing the dishes or hoovering or something isn’t gonna cause any harm.”
“She’s also being manipulative and using your fear of losing the baby against you.”
“She’s hormonal and going through some things, sure, but you’re also under a lot of pressure and stress and need time to relax, too.” ~ HereAndBlank
“Stress is also not the massively damaging factor that she is making it out to be. There are studies that show stress is a factor in causing low birth weight or premature birth.”
“However, the ‘stress’ they were testing was traumatic stress resulting from things like natural disasters (e.g. being involved in an earthquake). Day to day stresses have zero effect on babies development.”
“Heck, I suffered from such severe traumatic stress while I was pregnant I ended up in psychiatric care. Baby was born 5 days late, a little on the heavy side and beautifully robustly healthy!” ~ MyLadyLeda
“NTA – she’s using her pregnancy as a tool to manipulate you and use you as a slave, boss you around basically man, sorry.”
“And no, doing chores and saying no will not stress her enough to hurt a baby.” ~ Sleepy-llama
“I always thought that husbands jumping up to go to the store in the middle of the night to get some snack for their pregnant wife was a stupid sitcom trope. Do people really do this?”
“I’ve been pregnant, and sure there are cravings. But stores are open during the day and pregnant women can generally still drive.”
“A craving is not a literal emergency. It just seems ridiculously overdramatic.”
“Pregnant women will not die if they have to wait until daylight hours to satisfy a craving.” ~ Icy_Obligation
“NTA. Have been pregnant four times, all high risk, and not once has my doctor told me not to do regular household chores. If anything, he encouraged it because it kept me active and reduced the amount of issues I could have.”
“Although there are certain things she should not be doing (anything involving inhaling chemicals, like bleach or bathroom cleaner), changing a litterbox, and anything physically strenuous (shoveling snow, carrying a large vacuum up the steps), and any general health concerns that she shouldn’t have been doing before getting pregnant if any, should be avoided.”
“UNLESS she has a doctor/midwife tell her explicitly not to do anything then light chores can still be done.”
“Now, on the other hand, pregnancy can be extremely fluctuating between even five minutes. She could be better than better at 1:00 and by 1:01 she could be in serious pain and throwing up.”
“You will never be TA for setting personal boundaries as far as her demanding a snack in the middle of the night. I’m currently 13 weeks pregnant with my fourth and I have a broken spine and doing most housework.”
“She has no excuse if her doctor OKs it and she isn’t in pain or too sick (which you would be able to tell. Pregnancy issues aren’t exactly subtle).”
“It has also always been my belief that whoever stays home or works less does a majority of housework regardless of gender.”
“Besides, if she won’t help you now, having a newborn and children will only give her less opportunity to help later on. It needs dealt with now.” ~ legendarywildchicken
“NTA. Most women literally hold on to their full time jobs 6 months into their pregnancy and beyond. Why is she not even capable of doing light housework?”
“The fact that she pulled ‘it would harm the baby’ out of nowhere at being asked to take on even the smallest of responsibility is so manipulative. Her saying you not bending to her whims makes you a bad father was totally out of line too.”
“Never forget, you are both the child’s parents. You get to evaluate her as a mother and as a spouse as much as she does you.”
“What does her current behavior say about what kind of mother and partner she is?”
“OP, I hope you are seeing the literal dozens and dozens of mothers who replied to this comment sharing their stories of higher risk pregnancies, more hectic home situations and more demanding jobs than your wife who continued to work and contribute to their households throughout their pregnancies with no adverse effects, all the way up to the month/week of labor.”
“This is what a loving and respectful marriage should look like.” ~ DaisyInc
Redditors assured the OP he was not the a**hole in this situation. Unless his wife has a medical condition, there was no reason for her to cease all activity.
Whether her mother told her to do this or is simply enabling her, she needs to stay out of the OP’s marriage. Reddit labeled them both manipulative and abusive.