The point in a relationship when you discuss finances is a fine line to walk. Too early or too late leads to all kinds of issues, including entitlement, resentment, and just plain hurt feelings.
Redditor Complete-Crow9179 finally told their boyfriend about their financial situation after two years of dating. But that means the original poster (OP) kept information from him while he was going through a tough time.
OP isn’t sure if they were wrong to keep their boyfriend in the dark, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” subReddit about their actions.
Was their choice really so bad?
“AITA for lying that I was renting my apartment when it was actually my parent’s?”
How could it have affected him?
“My parents raised me to not flaunt our wealth. They worked really hard for it and they taught us to be very careful with it.”
“I lived in a house my parents own but I pretend I was renting it. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We are finally ready to move in together.”
“I told him that my parents actually owned the house and he wouldn’t have had to pay any rent. I thought he would be happy but he got all quiet and then said it was bullshit that I hid this from him.”
“He asked me how I had watched him struggle through the six months where he didn’t have a job when I could have helped him out. He said he had been going through his budget so that he could make the move work.”
“He said he didn’t really needed any help but just knowing he could have moved in without being a burden for me would have helped his nerves. He also said he felt I was testing him by not telling him earlier and lying about the amount of rent I paid.”
“I feel guilty. I wanted to help him but I just didn’t want to tell him that my parents are wealthy. It makes things weird.”
“We have such natural chemistry that I didn’t want to ruin it and I never even noticed that he was struggling. He seemed to able handle unemployment well and he was up and about trying to get a job and he got a great one.”
“He is great. I feel sh** for lying to him.”
What’s the answer? Was OP justified in not telling their boyfriend before now, or should they have come clean sooner?
Fellow Reddit users would determine if OP was wrong by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The most common comment decided OP was wrong. They felt OP had an obligation to at minimum, tell him before inviting him to move in to rest his nerves about paying rent.
But the fact they didn’t offer more when he was unemployed felt particularly cruel.
“YTA. If this was someone you’d been dating for a couple weeks or months I’d feel differently, but two years? You can be truthful about it with your partner of TWO whole years without ‘flaunting’ your parents’ wealth.”
“You’ve broken his trust, failed to understand his struggles, and kept up a series of lies for no reason. You owe him an apology for sure.” – 2-Chans
“She’s incredibly naive and privileged to think he handled unemployment well. Only those making a lot of money with savings can even attempt to handle it well, and even then it sucks to be living off savings and hope it lasts.”
“He likely just didn’t want to burden the relationship or make her think he was pressuring her to move in.” – trilliumsummer
“YTA. It’s fine not to flaunt your wealth and all that, but there’s a time when a relationship becomes serious enough that you need to be honest and open with each other and share this kind of secret which you’re not comfortable telling others.”
“That time is LONG before you’ve been dating for two years and talking about moving in together. He’s correct to be pissed off and offended because someone he thought he knew and loved has been lying to him the entire time they’ve been together.” – Hi_Im_Dadbot
“YTA. I agree with other commentators that he is not entitled to your parents funds, but this isn’t a simple omission. You must have kept him from meeting your parents; lied to him about what they did, where they lived, etc.”
“For me, the worst part is all the times you probably smiled and nodded in mock understanding whenever he griped about the rent in your area or the cost of necessities.”
“You certainly can have legitimate reasons for not flaunting your wealth, and only moving in with someone when you are certain they love you (and not your money) – but at the same time he has every reason to feel hurt. You have consistently lied to him for the entire relationship because you did not trust him.”
“Now you expect him to be happy that you finally do. I don’t think you’re an awful person, and I don’t think is a relationship-killer, but you do owe him a very sincere apology.” – FuriousPug
Those weren’t the only sentiments, however. A number of commenters felt more sympathetic to OP’s situation.
It can be weird talking about finances, and sometimes people will feel entitled to take advantage of you.
But it’s their boyfriend, should they have trusted him a little more?
“NTA your arrangement between you and your parents are not any of his concern he’s a boyfriend not a husband y’all aren’t even engaged. He was not entitled to this information.” – Existing-Ad1720
“So you don’t think someone should know their partner’s income/living arrangements before they get married? Now there’s a ridiculous thought.” – Coordinator_Narvin
“Theyre not getting married, they’re moving in together after dating, and before moving in shes raised it, seems like the appropriate time.” – PassingTime82
“NTA, it’s none of their business until you decide it is. You are dating so sharing finances at this point is risky.”
“You want them to love you for you not your parents money. There are posts everyday about partners just staying in relationships for the others person’s family money/trips etc.”
“Besides you want a partner that financially take care of themselves, starting out supporting them is a just a sign of what will become your future.” – Strict-Picture-5390
“NTA. His reaction proves you were right to keep it from him. He would’ve felt entitled to your money from the moment he found out: you pay for dinner fill up my car, buy all the drinks, give me money for groceries etc because you don’t pay rent” – decemberblack
“I don’t know I’m on the fence about this one. I completely understand why you would hide your finances especially if you don’t know if it’s serious.”
“I know people think two years is a long time but it’s not that long. I personally don’t think finances should be discussed if you’re not in the position to get married if you’re still dating you could always break up and then your finances are not his concern.”
“Perhaps it’s just might strange perspective but you’re NTA. In my opinion you’re now currently at the point where I would say moving in together is when you discuss your finances, and not earlier.”
“You’re finally combining a household. Before it was his issue, he wanted to contribute something to the household. It’s OK to lie about your finances.”
“Even to someone you’re dating because it doesn’t concern them only when it starts to concern them is it appropriate to disclose them.” – Ambitious-Screen
OP’s answer was hidden in plain sight all along. Their story ended with them saying:
“I feel sh** for lying to him.“
That’s a big enough clue that they should have told their boyfriend sooner.
Bare minimum, before inviting him to move in, so he wouldn’t have had to spend time worrying about making the rent work in his budget.