We’ve all known someone who is quick to preach about how to be a good person, how to live our lives, and more.
But it’s almost laughable when that person doesn’t live up to their own expectations, snickered the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor keeping_thepeace was listening to her father talk about someone he had recently reported at work, which absolutely was not aligned with his mantra of “keeping the peace” in work and in life.
When she noted this misalignment, the Original Poster (OP) decided to speak up about it.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my dad he shouldn’t have reported a colleague to HR (Human Resources)?”
The OP didn’t appreciate how her father embraced his “keep the peace” mentality.
“My (25 female) dad is the type of person to tell you to always ‘keep the peace.’ He would always tell us that when we’re in a difficult situation with someone else, we should be the bigger person and keep the peace.”
“Sure, it’s important to keep the peace, but depending on the situation, sometimes it’s absolutely the worst idea, but he never wanted to hear it.”
“I got harassed by this guy in school, and when I told my parents about it, my dad said that I should just ignore him and it’ll stop, and telling the teacher means that I’m stooping to his level and being the smaller person.”
“Another more recent example, last year my parents went to a Christmas party (I was there too), and this woman made a rude remark about my mom’s hairstyle. Mom got upset because she’d spent a long time on it, but then dad said to not say anything and keep the peace.”
“These are just some examples but there have always been things like this, big and small, and I didn’t agree with most of it.”
The OP decided to call her father out about his belief.
“So the other day, I went over to my parents’ house to help because they’re renovating. My sister and a friend of dad’s were also there to help out.”
“He was saying how there’s this colleague who was stealing his work somehow.”
“He told me that he reported it to HR and now everyone knows this guy steals people’s work.”
“I then said, ‘Why did you report it to HR? Now you’ve started unnecessary drama. You should’ve just let it be and he would’ve stopped eventually.'”
“Side note: I was being sarcastic in what I said because that’s what he always tells us.”
“The friend was nearby and I’m pretty sure he heard it. My dad turned to me and said, ‘He was stealing my work. I’m not going to let that go.'”
“I said back, ‘But why not just keep the peace and be the bigger person? You’ve dropped to his level now.'”
The family didn’t appreciate the OP’s comments.
“He looked pretty mad and walked out.”
“My mom and sister later told me that I was ignorant and unsupportive. They also said I shouldn’t have said that to him in front of his friend and of course, he was going to report someone stealing his work.”
“Was I being an a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some wondered if “keep the peace” was an indication of the father’s views of women.
“Did you notice that the other family members mentioned in the story are all women? OP, mom, and sister.”
“I’d be curious to know if there’s a brother who is now an adult, and if adult men are required to ‘keep the peace,’ or if that’s just Dad’s idea of how women and children should behave.” – ItsAboutResilience
“Manly man needs to lay down the law, but the women need to be submissive. NTA, OP your dad sounds like a giant misogynist and a hypocrite.” – FarStranger8951
“‘Keep the peace’ means, ‘I don’t want to deal with a bunch of women having problems right now.’ I guarantee it. NTA.” – HistrionicSl*t
“Stay quiet, little lady it’s a man’s world.”
“OP, NTA. As others have said, this seems to be a misogynistic double-standard. Dad doesn’t care if you are harassed and mom is insulted and hurt in public? Sounds like a loser honestly.”
“He got mad, because you pointed out his hypocrisy, and no one will back you up, because they are scared of him and/or have been trained by his ‘keep the peace’ rhetoric.”
“Stay strong, stay sarcastic, keep pointing out the holes in the logic, and let him be mad if he wants.” – orangemoonflower
“You should definitely remind him that he says that to you and other women, so he must only think that women should keep the peace and be bigger people.”
“Also, let him know that he is being a misogynist. NTA.” – SnooOpinions2561
“According to another comment from OP, the father applied this even to when her other sister was r*ped. He’s a monstrous level of a misogynist.” – OmaeWaMouShibaInu
“‘Be the bigger person’ = ‘Be the flatter doormat.'”
“Women are indoctrinated in this from infancy, and then when we’re thirty, they’re all, ‘But whyyyyyy didn’t you stand up for yourself??? You must have liked to be treated badly. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!'”
“TL;DR (too long, didn’t read): you can’t constantly be telling women that it’s petty and crass to stand up for themselves, then blame them for not standing up for themselves.” – Basic-Bichette
Others also pointed out that, based on his actions, the father was hypocritical.
“NTA. It’s not fair that ‘keep the peace’ applies to you and your mom (and whoever else) but not to him. Also, he should keep the peace now and not be mad at you by his own logic.” – Warm-Plane321
“Whether or not he’s a misogynist is just s**t icing on a very large shit cake that is this dad.”
“What an a**hole. I HATE people like this. They are first to tell you to be the ‘bigger person,’ AKA you should accept your lot and suffer quietly. But their problems are very important, nuanced, and worth discussing.”
“Don’t get me wrong: this loser may very well be a complete misogynist, but regardless, he’s a pretty miserable fellow.”
“This is the sort of personality trait, it literally doesn’t matter how AMAZING he is in all other ways, this type of behavior is incredibly s**tty.” – madmaxturbator
“He may just be a straight-up hypocrite. As there are no other men in this scenario, it’s difficult to say whether he’s like that because they are women or just because they’re not his problems.”
“Essentially, he doesn’t want to have to deal with other people’s issues. ‘Keep the peace with the boy at school’ means, ‘dad doesn’t want to have to go to the school and speak to the teachers about this issue.'”
“‘Keep the peace about someone insulting his wife’s hairdo’ means, ‘dad is too chickens**t to stick up for his wife and would rather pretend the problem isn’t happening.'”
“These are problems that don’t affect him, so he doesn’t care. I’d wager if he had a son, he’d be just as bad to him. Not dad’s problem, so it’s not a problem at all. But as soon as it’s something that IS dad’s problem, then it must be sorted out because it’s personally affecting him.”
“Essentially, he’s just selfish and only cares about his own problems. The rest of the time, he wants an easy life. Lazy, inconsiderate loser.” – BurdenedMind79
“Just say you’re ‘keeping the peace’ by leaving his house during renovation, and if he tries to talk to you, say, ‘Hey, that’s not keeping the peace.'”
“NTA, he is for sure though. There’s a difference between keeping the peace and oppressing people. This is not keeping the peace.” – have_some_soup
“To be quite blunt, your father is a misogynist and a hypocrite. It’s painfully obvious that, to him, women need to sit up, do what they’re told, and not rock the boat, and only men should stand up for themselves.”
“Personally, I’d recommend only having contact with him when absolutely necessary, for your own sake of mind and because you can internalize things you hear repeatedly even if you don’t want to.”
“Also, if you’re planning on having kids, ask yourself if you want this man around to teach any daughters of yours his archaic beliefs. I also can guarantee you he’ll favor grandsons over granddaughters, and they WILL notice.” – I_Frothingslosh
“Dad is one of those ‘Rules for thee, not for me’ folks. He never had OP’s back, why should she spend her emotional credit having his?”
“I’m proud of OP for calling it out.”
“NTA, OP.” – Levantine1978
“NTA.”
“You used his own words against him.”
“It seems that he only wants to keep the peace when it’s to do with someone else, but is not worried about keeping the peace when it’s directly affecting him.”
“I think he did the right thing, but he shouldn’t be discouraging everyone else from doing the right thing to keep the peace.” – Fun-Two-1414
While the subReddit could agree that speaking up in front of the friend may have not been optimal, they otherwise were grateful for the OP speaking up about her father’s behavior.
Some thought it was hypocritical, and others thought it was misogynistic in nature, but either way, it was necessary for her father to hear the truth about his behavior.