Having different sexualities in a marriage can be a lot of fun and beautiful.
But everyone has to be on the same page.
And if there is confusion, you have to be able to calmly speak about it.
Otherwise it leads to trouble.
Case in point…
Redditor Kejryehe wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to a pride event with my wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (30 M[ale]) am married to a bisexual woman (28 F[emale]).”
“I’ll preface by saying that I am in now way homophobic or bigoted.”
“I’ve never had a problem with my wife’s identity itself.”
“The thing is, she is very vocal and showy about it.”
“She has a lot of pride things and clothes and whatnot.”
“Sometimes she just wears rainbow stuff instead of bisexual colors too.”
“So there’s been incidents when people think she’s just gay and don’t realize I’m her husband.”
“It honestly gets a little exhausting.”
“She says that she doesn’t like it when people assume she’s straight just because she married a man.”
“And doesn’t want a big part of her identity that she’s struggled with to be erased.”
“Still it feels like she’s almost ashamed of me.”
“There’s a big end of summer pride thing.”
“It’s also to raise money for LGBTQIA kids and whatnot.”
“I have no problem with her going but she wants me to come with.”
“Says that it’s really important to her and she even got me an ally t-shirt.”
“I told her no because it’s not my thing and she got upset.”
“She said that she doesn’t feel like I’m supportive of her identity.”
“And I replied that maybe she needs to focus less on her identity and more on her current relationship.”
“She’s been very icy with me since.”
“I get that I probably was a bit mean but still.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“If she was ashamed of you, she wouldn’t be asking you to come with.”
“If anything it sounds like YOU’RE ashamed of HER and want her to bury her identity away.”
“Support your wife. YTA.” ~ barbaramillicent
“THIS. If anything, her identity gives her a broader dating pool yet out of all the available men and women she could’ve picked, she still chose to be with and marry OP.”
“That’s the literal opposite of being ashamed of him.”
“OP, don’t make her regret that choice!” ~ redcore4
“Yeah. Bi erasure is a big thing.”
“She is fighting it by showing her colors and her husband.”
“OP YTA… u might have some hidden biases ur not aware of. Or just ignorance.”
“Do u know bis face discrimination from gays and hets?”
“Support her and the cause unless u don’t think it’s a good cause.” ~ FrogMintTea
“Agreed. As a bi person in a hetero relationship I have seen/been watching that part of my identity disappear over my relationship.”
“I have even been jokingly called the ‘token straight.'”
“Pre marriage I was asked in a gay bar if I was “gay, straight or confused.'”
“My response: ‘I’m not gay. I’m not straight. And I’m definitely NOT confused.'”
“Bi-erasure is a thing and can be hurtful.”
“If OP truly embraces his wife’s identity he would show up for her.”
“ETA: My dad, weirdly enough, is pretty much the only person in my life that acknowledges it and I never told him.”
“Not sure who did…” ~ whatevasasquatch
“100%. She is not ashamed and this is not about being in a woman/woman relationship; it is about her identity as a bi person.”
“If she’s anything like most other bi or pan people, she has been gaslit and at least was in denial about being bi/pan for the majority of her life and she is embracing it now.”
“A supportive partner would be happy for their SO.”
“OP is not supportive and either needs to see that this is also an important part of her and be happy to see her happy or maybe OP shouldn’t be married to her.” ~ athenceptus
“I will back this up. My husband knows I am Bi.”
“But I have only recently come out to the world. He fully supports me.”
“It was my birthday yesterday and he bought me a pride star trek pin.”
“He challenges me to create my own identity and do things I like.”
“He comes with me to things I enjoy and I do the same for him.”
“This is what a relationship is.’
“It is supporting each other’s interests and identity even if they do not match yours. YTA.” ~ Nanabug13
“She literally invited you to a very public event as her spouse and ally.”
“This is who she is. This is the woman you married.”
“Yes, you should go with her and YTA.”
“If you are feeling unappreciated or left out of this relationship, maybe some couples counseling is in order.” ~ Maxwyfe
“YTA. Just from what you mentioned, I can tell you clearly aren’t supportive of her identity.”
“You sound irked by her being proud of her identity.”
“Her being validly upset about bi erasure has nothing to do with you and it’s nothing for you to feel ashamed about.”
“It’s about other people invalidating her and being biphobic to her.”
“It doesn’t have to be part of your identity.”
“Many straight people go to parades to support their loved ones in the LGBT community.”
“Your comment about her needing to focus less on her identity was such an AH comment.”
“You are clearly threatened by her identity.”
“And feel that it affects your relationship when really, the truth here is that you are biphobic and don’t realize it.” ~ AssociationIll3926
“As a bi woman married to a man, this is the correct answer.”
“See, my husband actually is supportive of my identity and doesn’t really care how people outside of our relationship view our relationship.”
“I already face erasure from all other corners.”
“I’d be upset if I had to deal with it in my own home, too.” ~ SJ_Barbarian
“YTA. Look, go to Pride, don’t go to Pride, whatever, but the comment about focusing less on her identity and more on her current relationship was mean.”
“Your wife is trying to represent for her experience of being bi, which includes marrying a man, without passing herself off as straight.”
“This is a thing that’s important to a lot of bisexual women.”
“She’s being very honest.”
“And she is making efforts to recognize the importance of your relationship both privately and in her community.”
“It would be fine if you just didn’t want to go, but you telling her to put her identity down is going to wreck so much.” ~ eaca02124
“I’m a bisexual woman married to a straight man.”
“We very much still belong!”
“Unlike the OP though, my husband is a wonderful ally and doesn’t care how much rainbow/bi stuff I have.”
“When we had our daughter I bought a pride baby carrier.”
“He wears it more than I do!”
“I said one day ‘people probably assume you’re gay’ and he rolled his eyes at me.”
“He does not care what people think!”
“I’m so blessed to have such a supportive husband and he’s a big reason why I feel as comfortable in my skin as I do.”
“I wish everyone in the community could find good, supportive spouses!” ~ specialkk77
“Soft YTA but I understand your point.”
“And no I don’t believe you are homophobic but I believe you are tired of feeling like she ‘settled’ for you or that she’s ashamed.”
“It’s important to her, and she got you an ally t-shirt so it’s not like you will be pretending to be something you aren’t.”
“I’m assuming she was like this when she married you so you kind of knew what you were getting into.”
“Plus it’s a good charity event.”
“Put on a brave face and be there for her but absolutely communicate to her that sometimes her actions effect your self esteem.” ~ lividsloth14
“Soft YTA. She’s free to invite you, you’re free to decline the invitation.”
“Once you said that she should focus more on your relationship and less on her identify is where you have (unknowingly I’m guessing) f**ked up.”
“That felt like you were making her ‘choose one’ between you or her sexuality.”
“And we don’t need to point out how old of a saying “choose one” is to bisexuals.”
“It’s okay to not want to go, but this is a conversation to have with your wife about expectations.”
“There’s a lot of comphet (compulsive heterosexuality) in the bisexual community and we’re all aware of it.”
“But she may be feeling the need to overcompensate from internalized feelings of ‘not being bi enough’ so in comes the rainbow suit, the ally shirt, the merch, the decorations, etc.”
“INFO: Have you told her that it feels like she’s ashamed of you?”
“What exactly does she do that makes you feel like she’s ashamed of you?” ~ Glock0Clock
Well OP… sounds like there is deep soul searching and hard conversations in your future.
Being in a relationship means accepting one another completely.
If you can’t do that, you may need to take a different path.
Good luck.