When people in relationships are ready to take the next major step in their lives together, there comes a point where some truths are revealed prior to tying the knot.
Sometimes, however, secrets are withheld out of fear of potentially jeopardizing something good.
That is what Redditor formerescort9642 is dealing with and feels guilty about keeping her personal work history a secret from her fiancé.
So she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not telling my fiancee I used to work as an escort?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 Female) just got engaged. I’ve been with him for two years and he’s amazing and think he’d be a great father to my children.”
“There is however a secret I haven’t revealed. About three years ago before I met him I briefly worked as an escort.”
“It wasn’t long (about 4 months) and I don’t have some sob story about how I felt abused and exploited because frankly I didn’t. Like any job it had its good and bad parts.”
“I don’t have some dramatic story about escaping it, I stopped simply because I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t require therapy or rehab, I just moved on and got a normal job.”
“I have been regularly tested and have no STIs, nor do I have any emotional scars from it, so I told myself it’s now no one else’s business because it won’t impact any other relationships. However it feels wrong I can’t share this.”
“He once asked how many sexual partners I had and I simply said ‘a lot’ and told him technically the truth: that I was prolific at one point in my life but no longer am and don’t intend to do so.”
“I’m still scared to potentially ruin a great thing if I reveal it but I’m also not looking forward to keeping this a secret for life.”
“AITA for keeping it secret?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Strangers online were very blunt in their decision.
“If it’s no big deal, why do you feel the need to hide it? YTA” – happy4me5347
“I totally understand keeping it quiet, but hiding it from your life partner is just a recipe for trouble.”
“OP insists it was a small blip in her life that had no consequences on her, therefore it is bizarre she would not just tell her finance. Especially considering in her comments she believes he’d have a positive reaction.”
“Therefore, it’s telling that she’s keeping this from him. It actually shows that this was a significant part of her past.” – NoMrBond3
“If it’s not a deal-breaker for OP’s fiancee there’s no harm in her telling him. If it is, it’s wrong for OP not to tell him; people are entitled to whatever deal-breakers they want in relationships even if they’re ignorant or objectively wrong.” – fdar
“There was a guy on here a week or two ago who found out his wife was an escort at some point and thought it made her damaged and a bunch of other nonsense and he was ready to leave her.”
“You’d be better off telling him now and not 15 years from now he finds out and takes it really badly. YTA, technically.” – Phy44
“I completely agree with your point that no one should want to be with someone who makes them feel ashamed of their past (unless their past was like. Kicking puppies or whatever). I also want to add on, it’s possible that what’s the dealbreaker might not be the secret itself, but the length of time.”
“I totally get not disclosing on the first date, but but I think that if I were with someone for two years, we’d had conversations about our sexual histories, we’d been ready to get married, and then I found out that they used to do sex work, I might be upset more at the amount of time they hid that from me than at the fact itself.”
“For me, personally, honesty is a big part of any relationship, and I still consider a lie of omission a lie. So this would be hard for me to move past.” – AliceInWeirdoland
“I feel like the technically at the end is important. I’d argue NAH, but it’s definitely true that OP should tell him now. If he also starts going off about damaged goods and other bullsh*t, she dodges a major bullet.” – [deleted]
“Yeah…people are allowed to have their deal breakers, and this is something that definitely could be one of his. He has a right to make a fully informed choice before any paperwork gets signed.”
“One the one hand, at least OP didn’t totally misrepresent her past, but in my experience that he even asked her partner count (something I haven’t had a partner ask me in a very long time) indicates he feels some kind if way about it. Maybe he was cool with overlooking a high count, but maybe he wouldn’t be able to get past this.”
“Not trying to shame OP, but these kinds of things have a way of coming out eventually, and you have a way better shot of working through it if you do so now, rather than some point after marriage.” – IAMA_Shark__AMA
“YTA – If you honestly believe that knowing this about you would cause him to end the relationship, then you are marrying him under false pretenses. The element of fraud in that makes you the a**hole.”
“If you want to also consider whether him dropping you over it makes him an a**hole too, i would have to say no: having sex for money is rather more extreme than simply having an active sex life, and being unable to get past it is, while not saintly of him, at least understandable.”
“It’s also no way to live, waiting for the other shoe to drop.” – avast2006
“YTA because you’re hiding something. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being an escort but let’s be honest there’s a huge stigma around it. I get why you haven’t told him but it’s something akin to not telling him you were married before, it’s still a lie.”
“Much better to say it before you’re married, and not make it seem like you were intentionally withholding it until it was too late.” – Alternative_Answer
“YTA. If you’re deliberately hiding something because you don’t want to face the other person’s reaction, that’s a good sign that you shouldn’t be hiding it because you know it does actually matter to the other person which makes it a deliberate deception.”
“If you tell him now you have a much better chance of working through it because you can reasonably take a few steps back to give space to deal with it, but if you don’t and he finds out after you’re married, his reaction will probably be worse.” – vodka_philosophy
“This might be controversial, but hear me out: he has a right to know. It’s true that your past is your past and it doesn’t define you or your future, but this is your life-long partner we’re talking about.”
“If he finds out (and chances are he will one way or another), he will understandably feel upset. Way more upset than if you came clean to him early on or even now.”
“He needs to have all the facts before he makes a decision to marry you and that’s not because sex work is ‘degradable’ or anything else. It’s something that not everyone will be okay with and he needs to know.
“YTA to him but also YTA to yourself. If your fiance won’t marry you because you used to be an escort, you have a fundamental incompatibility and he is clearly not the person for you.”
“And if he starts judging you or verbally abusing you because of that, well you know where he stands. Better find out now than 5, 10 years down the line.” – clementinesdot
“YTA for leaving him in the dark. I get that sex work is stigmatized in many countries and societies but this secret hurts you both – You’ll have to live with this secret every day while hoping he doesn’t find out, react poorly and leave you.”
“He is being denied the opportunity to make an informed decision and may get blindsided one day, maybe even by a former customer who recognizes you at a company party or a family reunion. Do you really want to put both of you through that without any warning?” – [deleted]
“Former SW here.”
“Although I completely understand not wanting to say anything, I believe this is something that should be talked about in the beginning. Everyone should be with someone who will not judge you for what you chose to do as a consenting adult.”
“I personally think that someone’s sexual past is not their partner’s business, whether they were an escort or not. If that is something that both parties were happy to talk about then that’s fantastic!”
“But it’s also a topic where I think the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’ may apply, unless one party has something like a lifelong STD or severe trauma. That needs to be discussed.”
“The problem here is that sex work is still heavily, heavily stigmatized & there are still many misconceptions (not all women are trafficked, folks). Many people consider sex work to be a deal breaker.”
“If this is something you know your partner didn’t like, imagine how much he’ll lose it once he finds out you did it but also LIED to him about it.”
“I have to say a gentle YTA because you were honest about how many partners you had, you just didn’t tell him in what context. Not that you’re obligated to but some people feel entitled to that information.”
“If you ever need to talk please feel free to message me. I understand the struggle.” – kiratnyc
Overall, Redditors thought the OP should come clean about her work history.
They also believed that keeping it a secret from someone with whom she was planning to spend the rest of her life with was pretty much tantamount to lying.