Being compared to a famous person or celebrity can be a mixed blessing.
Most people are nothing but flattered to be told they look like someone known for their glamour and good looks.
Being told they resemble someone who is not known for their physical beauty or charming demeanor, on the other hand, is usually met with anything but appreciation.
Redditor Cweev10 recently met up with a good friend, who, in turn, brought a friend of his that the original poster (OP) was never particularly fond of.
Particularly as this friend continued to make jokes comparing the OP's wife to a highly polarizing individual.
While the OP initially did his best to take it in stride, he eventually couldn't take it anymore, snapping at this "friend by proxy" and turning the lunch out into a somewhat tense scene.
Feeling a bit bad about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making a scene when my friend's friend was making fun of my wife?"
The OP explained why he found himself causing a scene while out to dinner with friends:
"For some context, my wife is from Sweden."
"But her mother, who still lives in Sweden, is Ukrainian and my wife got a lot of her traits so she does look very Slavic and, to be fair, it is something that stands out in the part of the US we live in."
"She is also not eligible to be a naturalized citizen in the US for a couple of years, as she hasn't been in the US long enough, and we have only been married for 10 months."
"But, yesterday I went out to dinner and drinks with some of my friends, and one of my close friends brought his longtime friend who was visiting, I've known for a while."
"I have never particularly liked this person, but he's kind of a 'friend by proxy' since he's close with one of my close friends and I just see him a few times a year at most."
"He's the type that has a tendency to really push the envelope on making jokes and will often go over the line, so I already don't particularly like him."
"During dinner, he immediately starts asking about my 'Russian wife, or wherever she's from,' and I explained her heritage."
"He clearly didn't understand and was clearly already inebriated because his response was along the lines of 'oh kind of like Melania!'"
"In reference to the First Lady...who is not Ukrainian or Swedish, she's Slovenian lol."
"And then, trying to be funny, he asked, 'How much does it cost to get her over here?'"
"I didn't think that was very funny, but others did, so I just kind of brushed it off and hoped he'd drop it."
"He said it in a way that was joking, but I gave him a smart ass response back."
"The whole evening he would just ask random questions, some of them actually good questions."
"But, he kept referring to her as 'my Melania' and would do a sh*tty 47 impression when he said it."
"Where it hit the line was when he made a joke about her leaving me just because she wanted to be a US citizen, and then started making jokes about a particular law enforcement agency I can't post on here showing up to our home and making fun of her accent."
"At that point, I could tell other people were kind of like...okay..."
"Little too much here, and I just straight up said, 'will you f*cking stop?'"
"And got into it a little bit and I said some nasty stuff back to him where people several tables over could hear it."
"Clearly ruined the evening and I feel bad for that but It was disrespectful."
"Even though I love to lovingly pick on my wife, I also know she is really sensitive to getting made fun of and she struggles still with some stuff and there's been times where she's got made fun of for not knowing certain slang terms or her accent even though it's subtle and it hurts her a lot."
"So his saying some of that sh*t bothered me, and it would've really bothered her if she was there."
"I maybe could've handled it better, and I do feel like an asshole for ruining the evening, but I was just over it."
"To clarify, my friend was also really upset with me for making a scene instead of handling it privately and I definitely made the rest of the evening uncomfortable."
"I had no quarrels making sure the tables around us heard what was going on, and I had no issue in the moment making it heard."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at this "friend by proxy".
If anything, just about everyone felt the only thing the OP did that was wrong was not snapping at him sooner:
"NTA."
"But I really cannot believe you didn't get up and leave at the cost comment."
"You allowed this to go on for too long, and even your other friends didn't seem all that bothered."
"You need better friends given the situation of your country."- sideglancegirl
"NTA."
"Your friend is also an A for being more concerned about the evening and less concerned about his friends bigoted comments."- Mizuyah
"'Will you f*cking stop' is pretty mild, given the drunkard's behavior."
"Your 'friend' should be upset with the other guy, not with you, and if he were really your friend, would take your side in this."
"NTA, maybe move on from this group."- AnnaT70
"NTA."
"That guy was horrid, and I'm surprised that nobody else spoke up and told him off."- KarinSpaink
"In any other country, the conversation would have been:"
"'Where's your wife from?'"
"'Sweden'."
"'Oh, cool'."
"And on to the next thing."
"NTA."- mailforkev
"NTA."
"But your friend's friend is."
"I didn't even have to read to the end, but I did."
"Ukrainian Canadian here who has always abhorred being called Russian."- MidtownMoi
"NTA."
"The guy is a hateful person."
"Please be careful, I bet that guy reports your wife to immigration."- Jstrangways
"NTA."
"In fact, that's exactly what women have been asking men to do for decades."
"Hold other men accountable for their shitty behavior and comments."- UngnomeCawler
"NTA."
"And the other people who sat there silently while this guy demeaned and made fun of your wife because she's from another country are also AHs."
"If the night was uncomfortable, it was because everyone was pretending it was normal to mock someone for being born outside of the US."
"Get new friends."- SlinkyMalinky20
"NTA."
"None of those ppl are your friends."
"Please find better ppl."- F*ck_Your_C0uch
"Ahh the societal norm of letting people publicly get away with disrespect because correcting them in the moment is disrespectful and 'makes a scene'."
"Literally bollocks, you did the right thing and probably should have spoken up sooner."
"As everyone else should have."
"Your friend by proxy is a weirdo to keep picking on your wife, he needed to be shut down."
"Your friend can be mad at you for not handling it privately."
"But you should be mad at them for not reeling in their friend."
"NTA."- Serenith_Youkai
"You're NTA."
"He sounds like an overgrown middle school bully."
"'My friend was also really upset with me for making a scene instead of handling it privately'."
"Why?"
"That A-H wasn't making his 'jokes' privately."
"You should be able to respond as publicly as he was making his idiotic remarks."- Dittoheadforever
"NTA."
"But you need to re-evaluate your friendships."
"They should have shut it down much earlier and stood up for your wife."
"Consider if they let him continue because they agree with him."- km4098
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, while also sharing some contingency plans regarding his wife's safety and well-being:
"Wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your thoughts."
"At this point, almost everyone in the group has offered an apology to me...except the guy who said all of this, and my friend who was upset."
"That told me everything I needed to know."
"I told my wife, who was away for work, about the whole thing and she isn't upset with me but was very bothered by some of the comments made and it's actually kind of created a situation where we are going to sit down and talk about keeping her safe with all of the stuff going on in the US even though she has every legal right to be here."
Making jokes at the expense of others is always a gamble.
What some might consider "light teasing" may be viewed as cruel bullying by others.
Something that was made abundantly clear to this "friend by proxy".
Even if one doubts that any lessons were learned.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp