Getting along with possible future in-laws can be a challenge.
Everyone hopefully tries to put their best foot forward.
But things can get tricky once family traditions and expectations are called into question.
That’s when the real drama begins.
Case in point…
Redditor Subatancial_Oracle wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to honor my boyfriend’s family’s tradition?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend Eric (29 M[ale], fake name) and I (27 F[emale]) have been dating for three years.”
“For context, I have met his family, and they are friendly.”
“We don’t meet them very often because they live in my B[oy]F[riend]’s home country.”
“I don’t want to reveal country names either for privacy reasons, but my BF and I are of different nationalities, and we both work in my country.”
“The conflict happened during our last visit last weekend.”
“We have been looking up houses to move in together and engagement rings.”
“While we were having dinner, we mentioned this to his family as it’s a big step in our relationship for us (we are not engaged yet).”
“His parents and brothers expressed their happiness for us, then out of nowhere, his youngest S[ister] I[n] L[aw] asked, ‘So is she going to take the test?'”
“I asked, ‘What test?'”
“In summary, BF’s family has this tradition where the future M[other] I[n] L[aw] tests future daughters-in-law to see if they are good enough for her sons.”
“Apparently, his mother and aunts went through the same test.”
“The tests include how clean they can keep a home, how well they can cook, their manners, etc.”
“Basically life skills most people learn from childhood.”
“I found it ridiculous because…”
“1. If I’m good enough for my boyfriend, he should be the one deciding it. And…
“2. I don’t fit in their targeted category.”
“In his mom’s words, you can’t be a good S[tay] A[t] H[ome] W[ife] and S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om] if you can’t be a good homemaker and she wants to make sure of that.”
“To be clear, his mom and all three of his brother’s wives are SAHMs, and although I respect their choice, I am not quitting my career.”
“And did not under any circumstances make my BF think I could compromise on that.”
“I hate house chores, and I would rather buy homemaking gadgets and hire staff no matter the cost than have to do chores myself.”
“I told my BF’s mom all this, and it caused an argument that eventually ruined dinner and, in extension, our visit.”
“BF doesn’t care whether I’m a working wife or a SAHW, but he thinks I should have just done the test because ‘it’s just a test,’ and it’s not like they would reject me if I failed it.”
“He thinks it’s a fun tradition that everyone was looking forward to, and I should have gone along with it anyways.”
“My boyfriend thinks I’m the AH and suggested I make this post.”
“If I really am the a**hole, I’m sure you guys will let me know… so am I?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“He thinks it a fun tradition for women marrying into the family to be judged on their ‘skills’ in traditional, old-fashioned gender-conforming roles?”
“Fine. Let HIM take a test.”
“He can rotate the tires, change the oil and maybe rework the transmission on a car.”
“Install a new muffler while he’s at it.”
“Then he can perform a series of tests of lifting heavy objects.”
“How are his plumbing skills?”
“He’s gonna need to know how to fix a leaky faucet.”
“Your father and brothers and male friends can judge him on his manliness and decide if he is prepared to be a ‘proper’ husband.”
“He might also need to prove he makes enough money to support you for when you have to stay home and perform all those ‘wifely’ duties.”
“What an obnoxious family. NTA.” ~ miss_trixie
“Exactly. I had a similar thought.”
“I love traditions! Let’s start new ones.”
“The men in my family will drop you in the woods with no resources, a few days’ walk from civilization.”
“If you make it back, the men will be at a judges’ table with scorecards to judge your wounds, health, and weight of leftover hunting winnings.”
“Hope you score above a 5! Good luck!”
“OP, you are very NTA.” ~ concretism
“Kinda sounds like what my uncle had to do.”
“OP is NTA.”
“No chance would I have accepted this nonsense.”
“My free time is valuable.”
“Spending it proving myself to folks who should accept me unconditionally is not even close to making the cut.” ~ ArwenCherryBlossom
“NTA, and I think it’s a huge red flag in the relationship that he is not defending you against his family and leaving you hanging on this sexist bull.”
“He’s failing the ‘man’ test right now and doesn’t seem like husband material unless he can step up and keep his family in check immediately, and apologize to you for the whole debacle.” ~ rpsls
“The fact he knew such a test existed and never let his partner know about it is total bulls**t.”
“If my S[ignificant] O[ther] knows there is a sexiest ‘test’ coming down the pike, he sure as sh*t better tell me, or he knows I’m laughing and going home.”
“OP is NTA, and her partner needs to be honest with her about his expectations after marriage.”
“It feels like he might be misrepresenting himself a bit here.”
“A calibration conversation is needed when they get home.” ~ hilwil
“Honestly, as a pretty traditional guy myself, I’d feel awkward having my gf go through such tests.”
“These are really non-essential traits, especially considering I prefer to cook for myself.”
“On top of that, it’s ME, who decides, whether someone’s a good enough partner for me.”
“I don’t need permission from anyone else. NTA.” ~ Gr4nd45
“Yes! When my sister got married, there was a ‘game’ at the wedding where her new husband and her had to ‘switch roles’ and how they could take on the ‘other’s’ jobs, too, in times of need.”
“The funny thing was, my B[rother] I[n] L[aw] was made to iron his shirts – which he does all the time – and my sister was made to build an IKEA nightstand – and she loves putting furniture.”
“OP’s (maybe not anymore) future in-laws don’t sound as fun, though. NTA, OP.”
“If they had taken it jokingly, or if the BF had to do it too, there’d be an argument for NAH, but not like this.” ~ TurnipWorldly9437
“NTA. Your boyfriend’s family is ridiculous, but your BF is insensitive and ignorant in this.”
“Why would he want his family to judge and criticize you for something you don’t want to do?”
“Doesn’t he understand how stressful and hurtful it would be? And…”
“It’s not like thy would reject me if I failed.”
“Yes, they probably would.”
“Not by forbidding your marriage but by ruining your life later and making you feel like an ‘unworthy’ wife and mother.”
“Maybe ‘correcting’ your behavior too.”
“As I see it, there is no win here.”
“You can accept, have a horrible experience, get tired, nervous, and upset, ultimately not live up to their expectations and fail – and they’ll be mad.”
“Or you can refuse, and they’ll be mad.”
“The end is the same, but the second option is much better for your mental health.”
“Also for the future of your relationship, because you’ll set boundaries right away.” ~ Garamon7
“NTA. This isn‘t just some ‘fun test.'”
“This shows you everything about their views that you need to know.”
“Just a gentle warning.”
“My ex-husband came from a traditional family like that.”
“We talked about me not quitting my job and him helping with kids, chores, etc.”
“And before we got married, he always assured me that he doesn‘t want a relationship/family life like everyone in his family has, that he wants to be more modern.”
“Welp, it was all crap.”
“After the wedding, he wanted me to be a stay-at-home wife, keep the house tidy and spend all day cooking meals for him.”
“He just grew up with this kind of life being normal, and ultimately, it was what he wanted, too.”
“We got a divorce over this. Take care.” ~ HighOnCoffee19
“NTA – if your bf knew they would expect this from you, he should have given you a heads up and let you know that it’s not serious.”
“But he would appreciate it if you went along with it, and it would mean a lot to his family.”
“Then you would have had the opportunity to think about it rather than possibly offending his family/causing any conflict with your gut response.”
“For the avoidance of any doubt, I absolutely would not be taking this test either and think you had every right to express your feelings on the matter.” ~ Chance-Bread-315
OP came back with a little info.
“Adding this as it’s been coming up.”
“I know disclosing the country may or may not bring up some unwanted arguments that will violate the rules here. But just for context, it’s a family tradition, not a national culture.”
Well, OP, Reddit is pretty loud and clear.
It sounds like you might need to do some serious evaluation about this relationship.
Communication and expectation need to be precise, and hopefully no more surprise ‘tests.’
Good luck.