Dynamics with siblings-in-law are often rife with complications.
Redditor No-Dirt-6358 has a sister-in-law who, while lovely and enjoyable, is a bit financially dependent on him and his wife.
This has caused some tension in his marriage, ultimately driving the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit āAm I the A**hole?ā (AITA).
He asked:
āAITA for telling my wife to stop being a pushover or I would take away her spending privileges?ā
He went on to explain.
āMy wife [25-year-old Female] of 5 years has a sister [20-year-old Female].ā ā
Sheās somewhat disabled, and while this may sound contradictory, she has a condition which makes working difficult but not entirely impossible unless she is under stress (neurological condition, loses muscle control, makes her hit/throw stuff, fall over).ā
āI have no problem with her sister. She is sweet and nice to have around, and my wife loves her more than anything. She basically raised her and stepped in when her parents wouldnāt or couldnāt.ā
āThis has led to a relationship closer to mother-daughter.ā
āMy wife would constantly be paying for stuff for her sister, and this made sense to me when she was a minor and was doing much worse health-wise.ā
āRecently though, this has increasingly been getting under my skin. I am the sole provider for my household right now since my wife was pregnant and only gave birth recently.ā
āWeād spend a lot to buy her sister gifts for holidays, which she would never return the favor – even with something cheap with thought (or no thought) put into them.ā
āWeād always take her out to events or dinner and pay for her every time. She would never even pick up the bill for herself.ā
āAgain, wasnāt entirely an issue until she became an adult – and now Iām fed up with it.ā
āShe expects my sister to do things like pay for her to go to the doctor or invites us out to lunch and then expects us to pay.ā
āShe doesnāt even schedule her own appointments, my wife takes her wherever she asks, even if she has the ability to do it herself, and we live 45 minutes away.ā
āShe always talks about how she’s freelancing and is making money, but then somehow has no money whenever she needs or wants anything.ā
āI did not have an issue with this either, really. I thought my wife was being a pushover, but it’s ultimately her money. Until recently.ā
āNow she’s spending my money on her, and it’s really getting me angry. I want to spend my money on my daughter, but weāre spending money on this financially irresponsible leech.ā
āI explained this to my wife in a much nicer way, but we ended up in a fight where I called her sister some pretty messed up things.ā
āI ended the conversation by telling her I would take away her access to our joint bank account until she contributes again if she doesnāt tell her sister to grow up and that she is not her mother and she is no longer a child.ā
āShe cannot be dependent on people forever. I think itās an important lesson for her to learn.ā
āIf she doesnāt learn it, she can get back to work and continue supporting her until she’s 40 with her own money. Not mine.ā
āShe honestly thinks this is an end-of-the-world situation, and I think it’s quite clear this is for the better.ā
āI think she’s scared of hurting her sister, but at this point, she’s crippling her by allowing her to do nothing.ā
āEDIT: I should have worded it better in my post. I just meant having the debit card and using our money on her sister.ā
āNot taking away all her access to money but setting a limit or giving her cash so she can’t just get suckered into paying for stuff.ā
āA lot of the criticism still stands despite this, but I want to clarify I’m not taking away her access to all the money entirely.ā
āI also understand the comments about my wife being a homemaker means she is putting in equal work, so my money is her money, but we are on a single income, and we can barely afford our familyās needs.ā
āI can’t give her half my salary so she can spend half of that on her sister. A majority of it goes to keeping us paycheck to paycheck right now.ā
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
āESH – oh dear. Her āspending privilegesā?!ā
āI get not wanting to spend all that money on someone who seems to be almost taking advantage, but this is not how you frame this situation.ā
āEdit – OP is 24. Stop with all the comments asking.ā – jrm1102
āCutting her off after one conversation sounds controlling to me.ā
āThe relationship between wife and sister has followed the same pattern for 20 years, and you think she’s going to reverse course after one talk?ā
āI understand that you have a child now, but did you have conversations with your wife about your feelings leading up to the birth of your daughter.ā
āIt sounds like a switch flipped, and you suddenly felt no more handouts and then got angry when your wife didn’t instantly feel the same way.ā
āI would apologize and try this conversation again. Adding that your daughter (and any future children) need to be your and your wife’s priority.ā
āInstead of spending money on your sister, you should be setting up a college fund. With your wife, I would make a list of all the ways she supports her sister, then start figuring out how to outsource it.ā
āSince she is disabled, there is likely social security money she can apply for. And there may be programs in the community that can help her get to appointments.ā
āSet goals for getting sister independent and work towards it. YtA for exploding in her face when you suddenly felt different. Your wife’s TA for enabling her sister.ā – Desperate-Tip-4730
āYTA. I get why youāre upset about your wife spending money on her sister, but you are using the fact that your wife currently does not have her own income because she just gave birth to your child in order to control her, which is an a**hole move on a whole different level.ā – morgaine125
āSo this sister, that is “somewhat disabled” but “not entirely impossible to work” (as long as she isn’t under stress when she literally loses physical control and can hurt herself) is someone you have “no problem” with and find nice and sweet …ā
āYet a few paragraphs later is suddenly a “financially irresponsible leech”?ā
āDid anyone else get a whiplash from this change in tone?ā
āHonestly, forget about the disabled sister, who your wife has as a dependent since before you were married.ā
āYou had an argument with your wife, who recently gave birth, and you literally threatened to cut her off your joint finances if she doesn’t do what you want or āshe starts contributing again.āā
āAnd that’s why, for me, YTA.ā
āShe isn’t contributing because she was pregnant with your child and is now post-labor caring for it.ā
āPlease calculate how much would this child care cost 24/7 for the period since your child was born until the child was, let’s say, 2.ā
āCan you afford to pay this out of pocket? Cause this is what your wife is contributing with right now to your household.ā – atealein
āESH. You are the TA on pulling the āmy moneyā since Iām the breadwinner and being controlling to the point of financial abuse in cutting off joint account access.ā
āHer – for continuing to enable her sister. If she can work, why on earth are you two footing the bill for allllll her own medical appointments and then social events with you two?ā
āA few things – each spouse should get some money thatās theirs for discretionary spending without judgment from the other. If she wants to fund her sister out of that share, so be it.ā
āYour wife needs to grow a backbone. If the sister is inviting you out, she needs to pay for her own share at a minimum.ā
āItās super tacky to expect others to fund a social life that you canāt afford.ā – Snackinpenguin
āYTA because you think your wife not working after giving birth is spending āyourā money.ā
āIām betting your wife is doing the majority of the parenting and home duties – thatās her contribution and sheās entitled to have equal access to the money.ā
āOf course, there should be agreement on large spends, regardless of whoās making the money, but youāre not entitled to her free labor and child gestating abilities.ā – Elleketel
āESH You have a very chauvinistic view towards gender roles in your marriage. Your wife isn’t taking a vacation or being lazy. She is on maternity leave for giving birth to your daughter.ā
āWhatever money is coming into the household should be shared equally. Having said that, you and your wife’s primary responsibility is to raise and support your new daughter, not her sister.ā
āIf her sister is capable of working, she should. Where are your in-laws in this? Why can’t they help her and drive her places?ā
āYour wife is setting you all up for financial ruin supporting a grown woman for the rest of her life. Why wasn’t this discussed or addressed prior to your marriage?ā – pixelated_fun
Best of luck to the OP and his family.