Two families come together when a couple is formed. Those unions aren't always amicable.
When a relationship ends, extended family might choose to stay in touch.
My Mother maintained a strong bond with my Father's family after they were divorced. In fact, she saw her in-laws far more often than her ex-husband did.
My Father's relationship with his in-laws post divorce was much closer to good riddance than good vibes.
Every divorce is different.
A woman in the midst of an amicable divorce enjoyed the added benefit of an end to her toxic relationship with her mother-in-law—or so she thought.
After her soon-to-be ex mother-in-law announced a pending uninvited, unwelcome visit, the woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sea-Purchase-6547 asked:
"AITA for saying my ex mother-in-law (MIL) is not family?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (34, female) am in the process of divorcing my husband (33, male). We're on good terms and still live together in my house."
"The house is in my name and was bought before marriage, which means my husband is not entitled to it according to my country's law. He hasn't moved out yet because of his financial issues."
"I'm ok with it. He just started a new job and hopes to move out in a month or 2."
"He doesn't pay me rent. He does pay his share of utilities."
"I was able to pay off my house very quickly—with massive help from my parents—so I no longer have to pay mortgage. I never charged him rent because it felt unfair, even though we always had seperate finances."
"My MIL is a nasty person and we never got along. She never liked me and made sure I didn't feel welcome in the family."
"Last month she called me on my birthday to tell me she's glad she no longer has to buy me anything for my birthday because I'm no longer family. She had recently found out we'd be getting a divorce."
"Yesterday she called me. My ex was at work and didn't pick up—that's why she called me not him—to inform me she'd be coming over for 2 days next week because she will be having a medical procedure done in our city—the capital."
"She does not drive so she can't go home straight after the procedure. She was planning to spend the night and take a bus the next day."
"I said something like 'no, you can't come' at first, but she kept talking and I figured I don't have to be polite with her anymore."
"I told her absolutely not, she's no longer family. The house is mine and I don't want random people I don't even like in my house."
"Neither she nor my ex can afford a hotel. He can't drive her back because of his new work."
"I won't, because she's no longer my problem. My ex is very angry with me and told me I shouldn't be taking out my frustrations on his mother."
"I'm not. I just don't want her here because I don't like her and I don't feel like I have to put up with this anymore. We're no longer a couple."
"He never stood up for me against her and that's one of the reasons things didn't work out for us. We're from different cultures, so he always claimed it was cultural and I should respect it."
"I was expected to always put his family first, even though they clearly disliked me and were rude from the start."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my ex-MIL she's not my family and I might be an a**hole because my ex thinks so."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"She already decided you aren't family. You are NTA." ~ ahknewb
"Tell her 'You decided that we aren't family and always treated me as if I wasn't family. I never invite people who hate me to stay with me. That's how I live my life'. NTA."
"If his mom had been a kind person, the response would be different. She wasn't kind and that was her choice and now she gets the natural consequence for not being nice."
"Oh well, c'est la vie." ~ BlazingSunflowerland
"'If you want your mother to stay with you, go get your own place. Since we're broken up, you're a guest in my home and are not entitled to your own guests. If you let her in, your things will be outside within the hour'. NTA."
"OP, the cool thing about being done with the relationship is that you don't need to argue anymore. If he's upset, that's his problem. Not yours." ~ SpaceJesusIsHere
"NTA. If he's angry about it, tell him he can move out earlier. Nothing preventing him from leaving if he's so incredibly offended on behalf of his mother."
"She's not related to you and neither is he now."
"His choice is, he can be civil and thankful for your kindness and generosity or pack his sh*t up and leave ASAP. You're not a charity for everyone who rocks up looking for a free place to doss and chauffeuring everyone around."
"The utter gall of the pair of them!" ~ Frankifile
"I warned my husband I would divorce him before I let his toxic as f*ck, been in jail since he was 12—he's 31 now—mom move in with us again."
"She wanted a crash pad, and I drew up papers."
"Whaddya know‽‽ My hubs found his spine—and a sadly realistic view of his mother—and we are now low contact with her and much happier." ~ Its_panda_paradox
"So you weren't family when it was your birthday, but now that she needs something, you are. She FAFOd. NTA." ~ BangarangPita
"Don't feel bad. They can deal with it—it's their problem. NTA."
"I get cultural differences, but it's always the excuse for the 'boundary pushing' culture. What about respecting YOUR culture? I hope you stand your ground on this." ~ Character_Schedule34
"When did 'cultural differences' become a valid excuse for being a nasty piece of work? NTA." ~ ParticularBanana9149
"NTA. Your ex-MIL made very clear that you aren't considered her family. So she doesn't get to ask for things."
"Having said that, please, get rid NOW of the ex husband. He will not go away peacefully as he said, and him being angry about your choice about his mother is a Red Flag."
"He clearly thinks you owe his family favors, and also thinks your actions are a manner of 'vengeance' against him. That's a huge Red Flag." ~ pescawn
"Tell him he's worn out his welcome and has to get out. If where you are requires you jump through hoops for a legal eviction, now is the time to start the process. NTA." ~ extinct_diplodocus
"Ex-MIL didn't even ask, she told OP her plan. The entitlement with this one is strong. NTA."
"I guess ex-MIL never learned that words and actions have consequences. Ex-MIL effed around and found out." ~ Prestigious-Bluejay5
"OP, you need to have it out with your ex about his entitlement and his move out date."
"Depending on how far you want to go, you can always call the police and have your MIL escorted off the property if she shows up at your house. It would burn the bridge with your ex, but it doesn't sound like there is much of a bridge left."
"Regardless, it is time for you to stand your ground on getting your ex out of the house."
"Tell him 'I was willing to allow you to stay in MY house as long as you respected me and my boundaries. One of those boundaries is no unwanted guests—certainly no one that treats me with disrespect. But you clearly are unwilling to do that, so its time for you to find a new place to live immediately'." ~ lovetotravelanytime
"Get him out now. It's no longer your problem that he has financial issues and nowhere to stay. Boohoo."
"The balls on this guy. 'How dare you disrespect my mother when she clearly doesn't like you but wants to continue using you for free room and board'."
"You'll feel about 400 pounds lighter after you drop them both off at the shelter. NTA." ~ BohoFox1
"NTA. You're being generous enough to let your ex stay, so he doesn't get a say."
"She is NOT family anymore. She burned her bridges when she was an a**hole to you."
"It's your house and you don't have to have people you don't like in it." ~ ReviewOk929
"MIL: 'You're no longer family and I hate you! And I'll be staying at your place for free for a couple of days'."
"OP: *extends middle finger*"
"NTA and enough said." ~ Ok_Conversation9750
"NTA. You aren't taking your frustrations out on her. She is reaping the consequence of her own direct actions and words."
"Remind them both of the lovely phone call she made on your BIRTHDAY." ~ Valuable-Spare-7164
"OMG! I'm actually laughing."
"She called you on your BIRTHDAY and said what she said, and she and your ex are surprised that you won't let her stay in YOUR home‽‽"
"NTA, buy a long shot." ~ Goalie_LAX_21093
"NTA. I don't blame you. You cannot be horrible to me then expect my hospitality."
"Block her. Tell him you blocked her. If he doesn't like it, he can go now."
"You don't have to house him or his nasty mama." ~ LouisV25
"NTA. Aside from any of the rest of her nonsense, she made plans for her procedure without checking with you—or her son, it seems."
"That's a her problem, not a you problem. She needs to figure it out or cancel for a more convenient time for her son." ~ CreativeMusic5121
The OP got their answer together with some advice about her current living arrangement.
Whether or not she shows her ex the door may depend on if his mother darkens her doorstep.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.