When divorced parents remarry, their first concern is almost always how well their children will get along with their new spouse.
Some are lucky, as they instantly hit it off, and even if their stepparent will never replace their actual parent, they are nonetheless embraced as a fully-fledged member of the family.
Not everyone is so lucky, however, as some children will never accept their stepparents, only seeing them as a reminder that their parent’s marriage didn’t work, or worse, the stepparents never love their stepchildren as their own.
Redditor whoevenisthat5 was relieved when it seemed that his new fiancé and his 11-year-old daughter seemed to get along.
When it came time to plan the wedding, however, the original poster (OP) was shocked and disturbed when his fiancée shared how she felt his daughter should be involved.
So much so that the OP even said the wedding could not go on unless this were changed.
Wondering if he overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my fiancé my daughter has to be in our wedding?”
The OP explained why he threatened to cancel his wedding after learning how his fiancée wanted to feature their daughter.
“I (45 M[ale]) have a daughter (P) from a previous relationship.”
“I divorced my ex-wife on good terms, and we share 50/50 custody of P.”
“She is now 11.”
“After I divorced my ex-wife I met my now fiancé (S).”
“S and my daughter got along very well.”
“After five years in my relationship with S, I proposed.”
“S was super excited and wanted to start planning right away.”
“She looked at venues and started asking her friends to be her bridesmaids.”
“She then told me she wanted her niece to be a flower girl.”
“Which I had no problem with, but I said I also wanted P to be a flower girl.”
“S looked at my funny and then said that she didn’t think that P would ‘fit the part’.”
“I got angry and told S that my daughter would be in our wedding.”
“S started to become upset and said that the girls in the wedding were up to her and P wouldn’t be one of them.”
“I told S that if P wasn’t in the wedding then there might not be a wedding.”
“I stormed out and took P to get ice cream.”
“P knows we are getting married and told me she thinks she will look pretty I whatever dress S decides she should wear. This broke my heart, and I decided to text S.”
“I told her I would be staying at a friend’s to think this over.”
“My MIL texted me saying I and overreacting and that my daughter doesn’t have to be in my wedding and I was an @ss for saying that I would cancel.”
“So did I take it too far saying I will cancel?”
“Am I overreacting or just being a good dad?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for threatening to cancel the wedding unless his daughter was a flower girl.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to be angry at his fiancé’s response, with many wondering if he shouldn’t just cancel the wedding altogether, as it led them to wonder how involved his fiancé actually wanted to be in his daughter’s life.
“NTA.”
“Be careful, S just showed you her true feelings for P.”
“You want the people who mean the most in your wedding.”
“The fact that your fiancée, who I’m guessing is younger than you and this will be her first marriage, doesn’t think your daughter fits that description is extremely telling to me.”
“Even if S gives in, you’ve now seen where your daughter rates in her potential stepmother’s life.”
“If you choose to ignore this, it won’t be the last time your daughter is left on the outside looking in.”-Music19773
“NTA.”
“Props to you for standing up for your daughter, that’s exactly what a good dad should do.”
“Your fiancé is trying to diminish your daughter’s role in your wedding.”
“I’d be concerned that’ll carry over to other parts of your life too.”
“Whatever bullsh*t she means by her not ‘fitting the part’, sends up huge red flags to me too.”
“I have kids, and this would be dealbreaker for me.”- MuppetJonBonJovi
“NTA.”
“She could be a junior bridesmaid if your fiance also wants a younger child in the role of flower girl.”
“It’s also a possibility to have her stand up with you on the groom’s side.”
“I would be rethinking if I wanted to proceed with marriage to someone who was so adamant about not having my only child in our wedding.”
“Even if she decides to ‘give in’, I would have a hard time moving past this.”- JazzyKnowsBest13
“NTA.”
“You aren’t overreacting at all.”
“It isn’t just S’s wedding, it’s YOUR wedding as a couple.”
“And a joining of families.”
“What an dumb hill for S to die on, but she is showing you who she really is.”
“The fact that S wants to exclude your daughter should tell you all you need to know and how S really feels about your daughter.”
“I think you’re right to reconsider things.”
“How S is treating so now will set the stage for how she will continue to treat her if you marry her.”
“Imagine how S treats your daughter when you aren’t around.”
“Think about that.”- ariadne_of_crete
“NTA.”
“Dealbreaker on multiple fronts.”
“Your fiancee has just told you that:”
“She doesn’t care about your daughter.”
“At all.”
“She thinks her opinion trumps yours automatically.”
“She will sic her mommy onto you every time you have a disagreement.”
“Proceed accordingly.”- Psychological-Wall-2
“NTA.”
“This is a major red flag.”
“Please don’t ignore it.”
“Your daughter comes first.”
“Please do not marry this woman who diminishes you and your daughter’s feelings.”- pinkunder
“Your future MIL and fiancé are already feeling way too comfortable excluding your daughter from your wedding.”
“This is just the first red flag to come.”
“Once she got you locked in marriage, she won’t have to put on a facade of liking your daughter anymore.”
“She can pretend to be nice in front of you and a total b to your daughter behind closed doors.”
“The mask is slipping already.”
“If you let this slide, it’ll show that they can easily walk all over you to exclude your daughter.”
“Is this a family you’re really willing to marry into?”- Street_Math3177
The OP later returned with an update, sharing why his fiancé was hesitant to include his daughter in their wedding and where the wedding currently stood.
“I came home to talk to S today.”
“When I pulled in our driveway, my MIL was sitting there in her car.”
“I got out and went inside, trying to avoid talking to MIL.”
“S was sitting at the kitchen table, and I joined her.”
“She sat in silence, so I asked the first question, why does P not fit the part, and why don’t you want her in the wedding at all?”
“Her answer full-on shocked me.”
“She quietly said; I was hoping that after the wedding you could become a holiday visit only dad, I didn’t want her in the wedding, so she wouldn’t be in the photos around the house since she wasn’t going to be around much.”
“I kept my cool, calmly took her hand, and pulled my engagement ring off.”
“Her eyes started to tear up. She said we shouldn’t end the marriage over this and that she can change.”
“I told her the damage was already don.”
“I told her I wanted her things moved out by next week and that she could come get them when my daughter wasn’t home.”
‘The house is in my name and I paid for it, I was allowing her to get her furniture that she paid for.”
“She stormed out and MIL came knocking on the door saying I was being unreasonable.”
“I couldn’t imagine only seeing my daughter 3 or 4 times a year.”
“The fact that S wanted me to give up part of my custody blew me away. I’m sitting on my couch just in shock.”
“Our honeymoon was supposed to be in Hawaii.”
“Looks like me and P will be going instead.”
“I will update again if anything happens.”
It’s hard to decide which is more shocking, that S thought the OP wouldn’t have a problem with his daughter not being a part of their wedding or that she didn’t discuss his custody arrangement with P before agreeing to marry him.
As P was part of his life long before she ever was, and no parent would willingly spend less time with their children.
One can only hope that the OP might one day find love with someone who loves P as much as he does.