Having a baby involves a lot of planning for the big arrival. The last thing expectant parents need is someone throwing a spanner in the works.
A soon-to-be mum turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her mother’s announcement regarding her labor and birth.
Yllomee asked:
“AITA for not allowing my mother to stay with us when I go into labour?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am expecting our second baby in August. Since we don’t have any family nearby, we’ve arranged for our oldest child to stay with a friend when I go into labour.”
“My mum, who lives five hours away, has taken two weeks off work around my due date and the following period. I was unaware of her specific plans until she announced she would be staying at our house.”
“She knows we value our privacy and prefer not to have guests due to limited space and my partner’s irregular/unsociable work hours.”
“We recently moved to a larger house, but the spare bedroom is now the baby’s nursery, fully furnished and decorated, with no room for even a single blow-up bed. My mum believes that because we have more space, she is entitled to stay with us.”
“I struggle to spend more than a night with my mum due to her narcissistic and manipulative behaviour, which I’ve endured my whole life. When we visit her, it’s usually a short stay.”
“I don’t want her around constantly before/after I give birth.”
“So, AITA for not allowing her to stay with us and expecting her to book a B&B or hotel?”
“We don’t need her here for the birth as we have other plans for our eldest; she’s coming because she wants to.”
“I am sure regardless of what/how I say it, she will blow it out of proportion.”
“I absolutely can tell her no, and I will, but she will make an incredibly big deal about it, and cause some sort of drama that involves the rest of the family.”
“She doesn’t and won’t see our perspective—just assume that I am being incredibly selfish. I will want and need time to recover and enjoy the newborn bubble, but she won’t accept that as a good enough reason for her not to stay.”
“I guess I’m just looking for justification that I’m not being out of line for making this decision.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I completely understand that she is coming to help us out, and believes that she is doing a helpful thing. So I can see it from her perspective.”
“She has already shown frustration when I said she needed to ask before just assuming she was staying, so I know how it will go when I ask her not to stay at all.”
“The reason we would prefer her not to stay is due to many different issues.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You can say yes and have her stress you out in your own home with a new baby, or you can say no and she will stress you out BUT be far from your home.”
“If either way is commotion, do what is best for you and what you want. NTA.”
“Reasons are for reasonable people, and with the unreasonable and narcissistic ones do what is best for you as there will be kvetching no matter what you do.”
“And perhaps a ‘no visitors in first two weeks’ or something for all helps give you a barrier of time and doesn’t single anyone out.” ~ nycvoyageur
“Look at it this way: You will soon be dealing with lots of whining, crying, and complaining—and that’s just your mother.
“It could be good practice for when your kid grows into a toddler. Tell her no. You don’t need more stress. NTA.” ~ blueavole
“Before you tell her no, write an email/text to your family explaining your decision. Tell her no then send the email/text right after so your story is out there first.”
“You shouldn’t have to explain yourself at all, but it sounds like she will have all the family harassing you. NTA.” ~ LilyLuigi
“Don’t waste that wonderful new baby haze on her bullsh*t. Tell her straight up no. She didn’t ask and she can’t impose herself.”
“You don’t want to look back on the birth of your second child with regrets that you couldn’t enjoy and welcome them comfortably because you let a black hole void for attention take over.”
“She will be angry either way it seems, so let her be angry far away from you. You can’t waste your mental health on those who don’t care about it. NTA.” ~ peachesfordinner
“After you say no, don’t explain why. ‘We want to be alone with our baby for the first few weeks, so no, you can’t come to stay. I’ll let you know when we we’re having visitors’.”
“After that, the answer is ‘No’. One word. No. It’s a complete sentence. NTA.” ~ SuluSpeaks
“OR you can tell her no and then block her and anyone else that causes drama. Who cares if she throws a fit? Let her be mad. It’s only your problem if you allow it to be.”
“‘No mom. We are not having guests while I’m recovering from child birth. We will let people know when we are ready for company’.”
“Cue mom’s tantrum. ‘Mom, I don’t have time for this. I’m getting off the phone now’. Then hang up. If she calls back or texts you, ignore her. If she continues, block her.”
“If she’s not bringing positive things to your life, then she doesn’t deserve to be in it. And your child doesn’t deserve to be her next victim. NTA.” ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
“This is exactly what I was thinking. Both options suck. Saying no sucks less. NTA.”
“OP shouldn’t tell anyone when they go to the hospital, even if mom’s allegedly five hours away. Maybe even tell the hospital to restrict ‘guests’ if such a thing is possible.” ~ MyLlamaIsTyler
“From what I’ve read—including comments by nurses—you can definitely restrict “guests.” Not just to the birth, but visiting at all in the hospital.”
“There are often privacy laws that don’t permit hospital staff to confirm a patient is in their hospital unless the patient has given permission to share the information with the person calling.” ~ PotentialUmpire1714
“NTA. You know your mother blows things out of proportion regardless of what or how you say something, so don’t worry about it. Tell your Mom ‘No’.”
“You don’t owe her lodging just because she wants it. She’s coming for two weeks and expects to stay with you, freshly postpartum, hormonal, exhausted and sore? No. Just no.”
“‘Mom, thank you for thinking of us, and we can’t wait for you to meet baby, but you cannot stay with us when you come. We don’t have the space. Here is a listing of local hotels, and AirBnBs’. Wash, rinse, repeat.
“She’s going to freak no matter what, so why set yourself up for 336 hours of misery?” ~ SubstantialQuit2653
“NTA. Whatever she intends is definitely not for your benefit. This should be a hard no and a clear marker for the next stage of your life.”
“If she stays nearby, access to you and your family should be determined by you, not by her.” ~ diminishingpatience
“NTA. If you don’t even need her there at all then she doesn’t need to be there at all. Tell her ‘NO’, be firm.
“The way she’s treated you and ‘her narcissistic and manipulative behavior’ means you can tell her not to come at all and you should have nothing to feel bad about. She is the only a**hole here.”
“‘…she will blow it out of proportion’. Too bad for her. If it were me, I would at least go low contact with her; and definitely not let her hang around for two weeks, whether she’s at a hotel or not.” ~ StonewallBrigade21
“NTA, do not bring any stress upon yourself when that baby arrives. Your mom can’t improve her personality for the sake of your relationship with her, so she can’t stay with you.”
“She took time off work without telling you and invited herself to stay with you, so I’d go even further and tell her not to bother booking a room because she will not be allowed in the house. If you don’t stand your ground, she will never improve.” ~ phostachio
“NTA—tell her you wish she would have talked to you guys first because you had decided not to allow visitors during that time frame.” ~ zolumad
“NTA. You are setting a reasonable boundary. Tell her she will have to stay somewhere else, and she van only visit when invited.” ~ Excellent-Count4009
“NTA. You will be recovering & in no condition to deal with her narcissistic garbage, meaning she will likely see it as an opportunity to pick on you when you are weakened, much like she did when you were a child.”
“Tell her you appreciate the offer, but you will let her know when you are open to visitors. You and your partner need to bond with your new baby, heal, and adapt to your new family unit.” ~ BOOKjunkie000
The OP received plenty of backup for their decision.
Hopefully it empowers them to stand their ground and do what’s best for them and their family.
Sorry, Mom, but uninvited houseguests are unwelcome.