Several morning routines in one household rarely go smoothly.
Everyone is in their own zone.
One of the most stressful parts is the use of the shared bathroom.
Redditor AzelPatate wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister she can't use the bathroom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a twenty-year-old disabled person."
"I get up at 6:30 AM every day, and have to leave home at 8:00 AM to go to work. "
"I take meds in the morning, and I have to wait 30 minutes after taking them before I can eat my breakfast (or it won't work)."
"I also sometimes take longer to shower since my mobility is reduced and I might need to sit (and I have a hard time washing my hair)."
"I'm waking up extra early just for this, even though I have chronic fatigue and need to sleep longer than average."
"I also go to bed between 8:00 PM and 8:30 PM to try to meet my needs, but it's still not enough."
"So I wake up, take my meds, go to shower, when I have my underwear on, I go back to my room to get ready, and only then can I eat breakfast."
"And I still have to make my lunch for work."
"My sister's 15 and she's waking up at the last minute every day to go to her high school."
"She showers at night, and she's the only one with a room that can be locked."
"So she doesn't need to lock herself in the bathroom or get dressed in there."
"But every morning, I'm trying to go shower, and she's inside the bathroom, locked, for 20 minutes, just to get dressed."
"So every morning, I get pissed, 'cause she has other options and is blocking me from getting ready."
"And when I'm trying to explain this to her (a bit annoyed, I'll admit), my sister's screaming at me or straight up lying in my face about what she's doing, and our mother is getting mad at ME for being mean, saying it's not worth it and it's not that important anyway."
"Like I'm dramatic."
"In their opinion, it's not a big deal; she can use the bathroom whenever she wants, and I'm just impatient."
"But I'm trying to be respectful and let her use the bathroom for its intended use at the hours she needs it."
"I'll wait for her to use it or go brush my teeth and hair extra early for her to be able to use the bathroom freely at her usual hours."
"It's not the first time my sister and my mother told me I'm in the wrong in this situation, so I'm starting to worry they might be right."
"But to me, it's just poor time management and a lack of consideration from her side."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. As someone who also has a chronic illness and a disability, not everything can revolve around us; we do need to be fair."
"Your sister is entitled to use the bathroom for 20 minutes in the morning for whatever purpose she likes."
"You know how long she's in there for and when; work around it."
"Having a sibling with extra needs is hard."
"Don't cause issues where they needn't be any." ~ Minimum_Schedule6155
"YTA. Sorry, but... wake up at 7 am - she's on her way out the door, and you get extra sleep."
"Meds at 7, in shower by 7.10."
"Shower and get dressed in peace. Breakfast 7.30-8.00."
"Leave for work at 8."
"Really easy solution, and you get an extra bit of sleep."
"Make lunch the night before if 7.10 - 8.00 might not be enough time to shower, dress, have breakfast, and make lunch, but from your timeline currently, it should be." ~ Educational-While202
"YTA Your sister leaves for school at 7 am, giving you a whole hour to do your thing in the bathroom after she's gone."
"No reason why you can't do other things like making your lunch before 7 am, or you could get up at 6h15 so you can eat breakfast at 6h45."
"Shared bathrooms require compromise, and you don't get to demand uninterrupted access to the bathroom for 90 minutes, when your sister only wants 20min." ~ doublethebubble
"YTA, and even though everyone is pointing this out, you are still arguing why everyone needs to arrange their schedule around you."
"You seem completely unwilling to change anything about your morning routine."
"If you're waking up at 6:30, and she's gone by 7, it seems very easy for you to just shower at 7."
"You said it takes 10-15 minutes to shower, so that still gives you 45 minutes to get dressed."
"Wake up, take your meds, and go prepare your lunch."
"If you're too tired to be making lunch as you claim, then you definitely shouldn't be standing in a slippery shower stall."
"My kids can easily take 20-30 minutes in the bathroom in the morning when not showering."
"Brushing teeth, hair, washing their face, and doing skin care, etc."
"No makeup, but right there, that's 20 minutes."
"It is unreasonable for you to tell your sister that she can't be in the bathroom for 20 minutes in the morning before school." ~ Independent_Pay649
"Your every comment boils down to 'Everyone needs to change to accommodate ME!'"
"If she leaves for school at 7 am, that gives you a full hour to yourself before leaving at 8 am."
"Get up, take your meds, make your lunch while she's in the bathroom (why wait and do that later?), then shower and dress after she leaves."
"YTA for trying to make everyone cater to you." ~ wesmorgan1
"YTA. She has to go to school by seven."
"You have to go to work by 8."
"She gets first dibs on the bathroom."
"You are trying to block her from getting ready too; she has to go to the bathroom, brush her teeth and hair, wash her face, etc."
"You are not the only person who needs time to get ready in the morning, and she has to leave first by a full hour."
"What are YOU doing in the bathroom that an hour is not enough time??" ~ DarkHorseAsh111
"YTA. You have your routine, and your sister has hers. 20 minutes isn't going to throw your whole day off, and she'll be gone way before you." ~ hoagieam
"YTA. Take a look at your schedule with clear eyes, and the solution is obvious."
"Your sister leaves for school at 7.00. You get up at 6.30 now, so change that to 6.25."
"Then, take your meds, make your lunch, prepare your breakfast, eat it at 6.55 -- and the bathroom is all yours from 7.00-8.00."
"I have every sympathy with chronic fatigue, believe me."
"But you are not living alone, and others also have needs."
"Getting ready in the morning is a dance with predictable steps, and you're being unnecessarily rigid here."
"There's more than one way to make your routine work, and you're allowing your resentment of your sister to cloud your view." ~ IllustriousBowler259
"OP is NTA."
"If the sister is only showering, fine, but in a shared bathroom, you only use the room when using the water."
"Make up, hair and clothes are in YOUR ROOM."
"Put on a robe after the shower and get dressed in your room."
"I live in a house with 4 adults."
"This is how it is handled." ~ alcohall183
"This is annoying, but I don't understand why you can't do the non-bathroom stuff while she's using it, like meds and making food, and then shower and get ready when she's done."
"She leaves before you, so it makes sense that she would use it first."
"You have an hour after she leaves to get ready."
"You don't have to be freshly showered to make lunch."
"Personally, I would also change in the bathroom if I knew you were going to try to slip in before me to shower when I still needed to brush my teeth and put on my makeup when I need to leave earlier." ~ mothwhimsy
OP came back with an Update...
"I live in France, and in most houses/apartments the toilets are in a separate room."
"And the sinks and the shower/bath are in another room."
"That is the case in our apartment, so we can all go to the toilets freely if the bathroom is used and locked."
"I do try to pack my lunch in advance, usually the Sunday for the next week, but sometimes I physically can't do so, and my sister regularly steals my lunch when I'm not home."
"I didn't mention this issue because I didn't want to influence people."
"We already tried to solve this problem by organizing the fridge (one shelf per person), but it still happens."
"I also can't afford to eat out, I'm not financially comfortable, and I plan my groceries really thoroughly to be economical, meet my needs, and last the whole week."
"My sister showers at night, and I make sure to take my precautions before she comes home so she can get clean after coming home."
"I shower in the morning, but keep the door unlocked for everyone to use the rest of the facilities and do what they have to do while I'm in the shower."
"Everyone knows I don't mind, and that's how we do it on the weekend, so I know it's not a problem for anyone either."
Reddit has some problems with your actions, OP.
It's not fair to expect everyone to mold their schedule around you.
If your sister has to be out first, it makes sense for her to get ready first.
Maybe you can all sit down and calmly make a schedule chart to follow.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp