Family heirlooms can cause a lot of jealousy and tension in family’s unless there’s an established tradition for passing the heirloom on.
But if a sibling demands the tradition be thrown out the window just because they want the heirloom, is the rightful recipient wrong when they say no?
A young widow pondering that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
FlightAny7202 asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to my sister’s wedding after she disrespected my late wife and demanded a family heirloom?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (32, female) lost my wife, Lily (30, female), two years ago in a drunk driving accident. Losing her shattered my world, and I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.”
“My family, though, has never really understood what I’ve been going through. To be honest, they never fully accepted my marriage to Lily in the first place.”
“When we got married, my grandma gave me a necklace that’s been passed down in our family for generations. It’s a tradition that the first woman in the family to wed gets it when they marry, and it meant the world to me because it felt like one of the few times my marriage to Lily was actually recognized as real.”
“The necklace is supposed to be given to and kept by the first woman in each generation who gets married. Since I received it for my wedding to Lily, it’s my keepsake now.”
“The tradition doesn’t involve passing it on until the next generation, so it’s important to me as a symbol of my marriage and connection with Lily.”
“Since Lily passed, my sister Emma (28, female), who’s always been the golden child, has been eyeing the necklace. She’s getting married soon and recently mentioned how, now that I’m ‘not really married anymore’, I should pass it on to her.”
“That was hard to hear, but what really broke me happened last week at a family dinner. We were talking about her wedding, and she made a joke about setting me up with one of her fiancé Luke’s (35, male) friends.”
“I felt uncomfortable, but tried to brush it off. Then she said, ‘At least Lily won’t be there to haunt you if you hook up with someone!’.”
“I couldn’t believe she said that. I didn’t even know how to react—I just sat there.”
“Later, when I told her how hurtful it was, she rolled her eyes and told me I was being ‘too sensitive’, that I needed to stop being ‘so depressing’ and ‘lighten up’. Then she brought up one of her bridesmaids, Sarah, who had a crush on me even when Lily was alive, and suggested I ‘have some fun’ with her at the wedding.”
“As if my wife hadn’t mattered.”
I told her there was no way I could come to the wedding if that’s how she feels about Lily and my grief. Things escalated from there.”
“Emma accused me of being ‘dramatic’ and said I was ruining her big day over ‘one little joke’. My parents took her side, of course, saying I should just let it go and show up to support my sister.”
“They even mentioned again how I should give Emma the family necklace, saying that since I’m ‘not using it anymore’, it should go to her now. Since then, I’ve been bombarded with calls from my parents, Emma, and even her fiancé Luke.”
“They’ve all told me I’m selfish, that I need to ‘move on’ and stop holding onto the past. Luke even said I should be grateful my family didn’t disown me when I came out, as if I owe them something for barely tolerating me.”
“Now, I’m questioning everything. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to her wedding after all this?”
“Part of me wonders if I should just suck it up and go, but another part of me can’t believe how little my family seems to care about Lily, or me, for that matter.”
“Sorry if this is a bit rambling—I’ve had a few drinks, and I’m still trying to process everything. There’s more to this, but I’m running out of space.”
“AITA for refusing to go to the wedding and keeping the family necklace, or should I just give in to keep the peace?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Am I wrong for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding and keeping a family heirloom for myself and making her and my family feel bad before her big day?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Please put the necklace in a safe deposit box at a bank so no one can steal it from you. And make other plans (weekend away or time with a couple of friends) instead of attending the wedding.”
“Message a trusted family member to let them know that you’re safe but won’t be attending Emma’s wedding due to her poor treatment of you. Then, immediately turn your phone completely off for the entire weekend.” ~ teresajs
“I also suggest documenting the history of the necklace to show the pattern of it being passed down to the first daughter, getting it appraised, and adding insurance coverage. You can easily add to your existing homeowners or renters insurance coverage.” ~ Reddit
“NTA. ‘She’s getting married soon and recently mentioned how, now that I’m “not really married anymore,” I should pass it on to her’.”
“No. You absolutely shouldn’t. Your grandmother gave it to you to honor your marriage.”
“‘They’ve all told me I’m selfish, that I need to “move on” and stop holding onto the past. Luke even said I should be grateful my family didn’t disown me when I came out, as if I owe them something for barely tolerating me’.”
“So your sister’s clearly met her match in mean-spirited entitlement then. I totally get why you don’t want to go. So don’t. Keep the necklace.”
“I’m sorry you have such an insensitive bunch of idiots as a family & even sorrier for your loss. Maybe go low contact or no contact while you grieve. I hope you have other actually supportive people in your life.” ~ Apart-Ad-6518
“The Petty Crocker in me says to go to the wedding and wear the necklace! NTA!” ~ WearMySassyPants
“Wear a drop-dead gorgeous black dress so you can remind them you are still in mourning as you ostentatiously adjust the necklace.”
“Then go form a family of friends who love you and support who you are and leave your rolling ball of snakes family in the dust.” ~ Accomplished-Emu-591
“Bonus points if she wears a mourning veil.”
“But really, I would just cut my losses, not go, and find a new chosen family, because I’m socially anxious and afraid of confrontation.” ~ avalinka
“No, OP should wear the necklace on an outing or vacation to somewhere that holds significance to her, on the same day as the wedding, have a wonderful time and post pictures on social media, so everyone knows it was a choice.”
“Bonus points if she does it early enough in the day so that everyone at the wedding is gossiping about it. Extra bonus points if someone asks the bride why she’s not there.” ~ ProgrammerLevel2829
“I think this is the best idea. She is out doing something that makes her happy and reminds her of the love she and Lily had.”
“I’d block every one of those toxic people. They are not healthy to be around.”
“You won’t feel like this forever, but you are allowed to grieve however long you need. Lily’s memory won’t be diminished if and when you are ready to move on.” ~ teamdogemama
“NTA—no one should force you out of grief and mourning. Only you can make the determination of when you are ready to move on.”
“Your family is being complete a**holes because what they are telling you with this is that they have no more room for you in dealing with the loss of your wife, which is absolutely appalling.”
“Your sister is an a**hole for obvious reason, but your parents are too because they have decided that it is easier to try and push you out of mourning than it is to admonish your sister who has a wedding coming up.”
“They’ve probably put a lot of money into the wedding, so even if they had compassion or empathy—doubtful—they wouldn’t want to chance being uninvited should they side with you, OP.”
“I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I wanna give you a big hug!” ~ Roderick567
“NTA. Your grief and memories are valid, and your sister’s behavior is deeply hurtful. It’s clear she doesn’t understand your loss.”
“Prioritize your well-being and stand firm—your feelings matter, and your family should respect that.” ~ nicolasmohamed
“First of all, I am so sorry for your loss, and so young, all those plans the two of you didn’t get to see through…your grief is completely valid and I am disgusted by the people telling you that after just 2 years you should be ‘over it’. There’s no timeline you’re supposed to meet.”
“Skip the wedding, attending would just be fishing around for more salt to be poured on your wounds…with a wider audience. Your unpleasant, grasping sister is marrying a bigot, nothing there for you to celebrate.”
“Keep & cherish the necklace. Your grandmother’s decision was hers to make and you’re honoring her as well as Lily.”
“I’m well aware that cutting off family members is a difficult, often complicated decision, but you’re not required to keep people in your life who consistently bring you more pain than comfort, understanding, joy and sense of belonging.”
“You may want to spend some time with a grief counselor to help you navigate their nonsense. Again, my deepest condolences, and if you take hugs from strangers, consider yourself hugged very tight.” ~ rapt2right
As the saying goes, never move mountains for people who wouldn’t move a grain of sand for you.
OP is being told to do a lot to accommodate her family, but why should she? These aren’t people who value her feelings, so what difference would it make if they weren’t in her life?