Friendships are tested when invitations and gestures feel conditional.
A Redditor was recently invited by friends to attend a niche-themed event and their decision became a conflict that made them question their loyalty to the group.
So they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Master_Key5453 asked:
“AITA for Refusing to Participate in My Friend’s ‘Silent Dinner Party’?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A friend invited me to what they called a ‘silent dinner party’, where people could only communicate through written notes or gestures.”
“They said it was supposed to make them mindful and improve their non-verbal connection.”
“I asked if they meant the silence was optional since it felt awkward; they told me it was very integral to the whole thing.”
The OP continued:
“I politely declined, explaining that it’s not my idea of fun, and I’d feel uncomfortable. They’re now upset, saying I’m being close-minded and unsupportive of their creative idea.”
“Some mutual friends think I should just go to make them happy. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to attend something that makes me uneasy just to avoid offending them.”
“I started to question whether I was being an a**hole for not getting out of my comfort zone for their special event.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. You don’t have to attend every event your friends host. I occasionally decline invites to events that aren’t really my cup of tea. For instance, I’m not really a swimmer so any sort of swimming activity I’m not a fan of.”
“Also off-topic but a ‘silent dinner party’ sounds like the sort of insane thing Hyacinth Bucket would come up with on Keeping Up Appearances. Trying to impress the head of the National Deaf Foundation, Hyacinth throws a candlelight supper and makes everyone communicate only in gestures or notes.”
“Her neighbour Emmett gleefully accepts the invitation as he can be a fly on the wall to the chaos and for once not be subjected to Hyacinth’s singing.” – SquiffyRae
“The annoyance having to take a bite, scribble a note, wait for a reply, take a bite, scribble a note, pass this one’s note to that one, take a bite…”
“would drive me making alternate use of all the sharp, pointy objects on the table.”
“A Buddhist, Vipassana, or any other kind of retreat would be different, as the silence is part of the experience and it is set up that way. Why not choose another group activity to be silent, like a game, or watching a movie at home – anything that involves communication and NO CUTLERY.”
“NTA.” – schrodingersdagger
“I’ll be honest, I’d struggle with it.”
“I’m on the spectrum. I can get overstimulated by a lot of loud noise, but silence is almost as bad, sometimes it’s worse. I’d be so stressed in her ‘mindful’ exercise that I’d probably just end up leaving pretty early from pure discomfort.”
“Your friend needs to accept that different people find different things tolerable, and that trying to shoehorn everyone isn’t smart or ‘evolved’, it’s foolish and insulting.” – axw3555
“The silent dinner would be my worse nightmare. My mum used the silent treatment as a punishment when I was a child.”
“When my parents split up I was the only one out of my three sisters to visit my dad on weekends and I’d come home and no one would speak to me. By the end of the week they’d start speaking to me again only for me to visit my dad again. I don’t know how I had the strength at that age to keep going.” – bettyboo5
“Inform them their silent dinner is nothing new and actually a pagan practice and see what happens.”
“Literally, she wants to have a Dumb Supper to ‘teach mindfulness.’ “
“NTA, as a Pagan who has done and hated an actual Dumb Supper, out of respect for another pagan friend I lived with. I’m with you on it feeling awkward, etc. I’m ADHD, a chatterbox, and it was AGONIZING to try and do for a friend’s religious reasons.” – notyourmartyr
“NTA. But do you only ever try things you think you’ll like? I mean, I get it, it sounds like a stupid dinner to me as well. But I’d still give it a shot, if for no other reason than to support a friend. Sometimes you really do need to try something before deciding it wasn’t worth the effort.” – mtngoatjoe
“And sometimes you don’t. Also, let’s not stretch out the word ‘supportive’. To me, being supportive requires somebody in need of help. OP’s friend doesn’t need help, she wants the glory of teaching her friends a valuable lesson about ‘communication.’ “ – Turbulent-Vacation-3
“NTA You’re invited to a dinner party where you can’t eat because your hands are busy writing notes or making hand signals instead of using utensils to eat? If you do eat them its cold. Doesn’t make sense.” – wlfwrtr
“NTA. No one has to go to a party.”
“But what about it makes you so uneasy that you can’t just try it? I admit I think it sounds sort of dumb and won’t achieve mindfulness. But it would be interesting to go to see how it plays out. It certainly doesn’t sound scary. Just potentially boring.”
“It might be good for you to try something new or out of your comfort zone.” – TraditionalLoad8228
“NTA – it’s an invitation, not a subpoena. And your friends shouldn’t insult you when you turn it down.”
“That said, if I were you, I’d go. It’s one night. And either it will be kind of cool or else it’ll be a great story at other dinner parties where you can talk.” – ExitingBear
“NTA.”
“You politely declined them which is your right. Didn’t mock their idea. And better yet didn’t go and then sleep midway and start snoring on their couch breaking up the silence.” – notthatgreatrtnow
“Definitely NTA (Not The A**hole). Your comfort zone is yours to guard, and just because an event is creative doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s cup of tea. It’s totally fine to support your friend’s idea from afar without having to dive into the deep end of the silent pool yourself.”
“Props to you for being honest about your feelings rather than ghosting or being uncomfortable the whole evening. Maybe suggest an alternative way to hang out that feels more you!” – Sweet_Shainna
“This reminds me of that post a while back or the bride who wanted a silent wedding where everyone had to communicate via sign language. She literally expected all her guests to learn sign language to be able to communicate with others (including the bride & groom) at the wedding.”
“(Everyone said she was the AH & what she was doing was an insult to the hearing impaired who have to communicate in such a manner. Obviously, sign language shouldn’t be made into some party favor to make a wedding unique. It was sickening honestly.)”
“This seems like that. People who want to have their guests feign being mute &/or non-verbal as a neat party trick to make their event seem special. As someone with a hearing-impaired grandchild who also has trouble speaking (he’s had to go to a communication specialist regularly & can speak a bit now), I think this party idea is gross.”
“NTA.” – MyHairsOnFire2023
“NTA. I find awkward silences intolerable and makes me extremely anxious, even during conversations where the person is busy thinking. Them not respecting you not being comfortable with this is just insensitive.” – FlooffyAlpaca
“NTA. Personally I think that sounds fun, but another person’s idea of fun could be agony for someone else. I see your choice to decline as something akin to a person who doesn’t know how to swim refusing to go to a pool party.” – Ok–World9924
“NTA — very weird and unappealing concept…..unless it was for a family dinner that the obnoxious relatives were attending. Then I would be all in.” – TravelDaze
“NTA. The point of such things is to push you outside of your comfort zone. They became the AH when they didn’t accept your answer.” – Maximum–Earl1745
“Would honestly feel weird about attending a ‘silent dinner’ if none of the guests were trying to learn sign language or dependent on nonverbal communication.”
“What would even be the purpose? Playacting limited communication as dinner entertainment? I get wanting to be ‘mindful’, but this feels like a half-assed gesture that would involve a lot of unnecessary texting.”
“There are many free beginner courses for sign language that could make a ‘silent dinner’ useful and fun.” – EllieCrown2
“All I can think of is Ricken’s dinnerless dinner party on Severance lol, I guess it’s pretty harmlessly ‘creative’ but if you don’t want to go you shouldn’t be pressured into it. NTA.” – Quiet_Snail
Overall, many Redditors didn’t fault the OP for not wanting to attend this silent culinary affair.
However, some did suggest that aside from appeasing their friends, the foreign experience could be an interesting experience.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?