People with foreign names typically deal with those who have a difficult time pronouncing them, and there are two outcomes: Either they make an effort to embrace the name, or they don’t.
The latter is what one Asian male is dealing with.
When he ran out of patience one day, he reacted in a manner in which he sought judgment on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Illustrious-Role-187 asked:
“AITA for asking my boyfriend’s mom to call me by my actual name?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (30 M[ale]) have a name that, in English-speaking countries, is usually a gender-neutral nickname (think Alex, Charlie, Frankie etc). I am half Asian, and in the country of my name’s origin, it’s a unisex name that isn’t short for anything.”
“Since I first met my boyfriend’s (46 M[ale]) mom (70s F[female]), she has repeatedly asked what my name is short for. I’ve told her it isn’t short for anything and different languages just have different naming conventions, but she keeps asking anyway.”
“She also makes other related comments that make me uncomfortable – asking where I’m ‘really’ from; that it doesn’t make sense for me to have a name from Country A if I’m ‘really’ from Country B; that she hates the trend among young people of having gender-neutral names and I must have a ‘proper’ name she can call me.”
The OP continued:
“I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it, and he says he gets why it’s uncomfortable, but doesn’t want to bring it up because she wouldn’t understand. I’ve started clarifying what my name is and asking to leave it at that, because I’m sick of answering the same questions every time.”
“Last time we saw her, she greeted me by calling me a ‘long version’ of my name (eg Alexis instead of Alex). I didn’t say anything but my boyfriend laughed, assuming it was a joke. However, she continued to refer to me by this name, despite mine and my boyfriend’s corrections, until I eventually snapped at her to stop.”
“I’m usually polite in trying to divert these kinds of comments, but being referred to by a Western name really pissed me off, and I said something like, ‘Can you stop this bullsh*t with my name please, I’ve had enough of it now and it’s f’king racist.'”
“She got really upset, saying she couldn’t believe I would speak to her like that. I left the table, and my boyfriend shouted after me to come back and apologize, but I went outside to calm down. Eventually, my boyfriend came outside to tell me to apologize for swearing and calling her racist.”
The conversation didn’t turn out the way she expected.
“I said I would apologize for swearing because I shouldn’t have been disrespectful, but I wasn’t going to apologize for calling what she said racist. He said she doesn’t see it as a race thing and she just finds my name a little funny, so I told him to forget it, I was going to drive home and he could get an Uber by himself.”
“‘I left by myself, and he came home later. I apologized for leaving without him, and he said he understood why I was upset, but I needed to apologize to his mom because she’s really hurt that I called her a racist.”
“I said I hadn’t called her a racist and that I wanted to apologize for swearing but didn’t want to apologize for saying that what she said was racist because then she’ll just keep doing it.”
“However, I’m worried I’m wrong to be so stubborn because my distinction between saying something racist/being a racist feels kind of pedantic, and because she keeps phoning my boyfriend to tell him he shouldn’t allow me to talk to his own mother like that.”
“So, AITA?
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“Do not apologize. Instead, talk to her.”
“For the record, it is definitely intolerant, with the end result being that it is racist.”
“You need to start with your boyfriend. Explain to him that what your mother did is about not accepting someone with a different background than hers. At best, she is very selfish. At worst, she is in fact intolerant of those from different backgrounds and/or race.”
“For that reason, you will not be apologizing. If anyone needs to apologize, it is her. But you aren’t done yet. It is his job to manage his mother. It is his job to protect you from her behavior.”
“He should have stopped his mom and clearly stated, ‘Mom, his name is X, not Xtopher,’ every single time. At some point, he should have escalated to, ‘Mom, we are leaving. We’ll come back when you apologize and just use X.’ “
“Be clear that you will not cave to keep the peace with her. When people keep the peace to placate AHs, the AHs win.”
“You will not be visiting his mom again until she apologizes. He has to figure out what to do.” – GreekAmericanDom
“NTA but your boyfriend absolutely is. He should have been the one pulling his mother up on her rudeness and if he’s too scared to do that at 46 then he needs some therapy.”
“It is completely fine to react the way you did, after all, that’s what his mum wanted to happen. She instigated the whole situation and it’s her responsibility to apologise to you for being incredibly rude to a guest and potential future family member.” – squirrelgirl1111
“And this is how racists get away with it.”
“NTA. Your boyfriend is, though. Imagine being a 46-year-old mama’s boy and, instead of being able to set your own boundaries with your parents, stopping someone who does have self-respect and independence from doing so as well and basically trying to make them apologise for taking up space.”
“fxck him. you can’t parent him as well he’s a grown man. I don’t think you need to talk to either of them again.” –
Plastic_Farmer_6561
“NTA- his mom is being horribly disrespectful by refusing to just call you your name- you told her your name and she continually tried to get a different name out of you that would suit her liking- that’s rude- unfortunately your boyfriend may not be worth keeping around since he obviously doesn’t care enough about you to stand firm with his mom or educate his mom about your name- I’m sorry you have to deal that…”
“His mom probably is a little racist, and he may be ok with it – and that’s not cool… if he truly cared for you then he would correct his mom and not allow her to just give you another name or constantly ask you about your name- it’s never that dramatic, but that family feels the need to constantly do it- good luck hope you find someone that will appreciate you and treat you with respect and dignity.” – Cautious_View_9248
“NTA, don’t apologize. She doesn’t get to demand respect from you if she can’t be bothered to respect you in the first place. Respect is only shown to those who respect you. Also, start calling her by a random name every time she misnames you. ‘Hey Alexis’ ‘Oh hey George,’ she’ll understand real quickly how disrespectful she’s being.” – Shadow5825
“Nta. Why has your bf not been stepping in. He failed you there. His mom knows exactly what she is doing. She has been pushing and prodding for a long time, and eventually, everyone has a point where we snap. She reached it, because your bf didn’t stop her in time. This is his mom, and he should’ve stepped in long before this moment.”
“That said if you want to save this relationship, sit down with him and his mom. Attempt one more time to explain your side. You can apologize for snapping but not for what you said because her behavior is wrong and should’ve stopped after your first gently set boundary.”
“Her unwillingness to leave well enough alone is what brought you here. Set the boundary again, but with a calm and collected mind this time. Of either of them cross it again (and by downplaying it, your bf has been crossing it) than you know where you stand.” – Throwaway-2587
“NTA, this is a classic case of micro-aggression. His mom doesn’t see it as racist, he doesn’t see it as racist, but it absolutely is. Asking where you’re really from also falls under this category. As a WOC, I get so exhausted by this, especially in online dating. To the point where the second someone says, ‘Where are you from?’ I almost always unmatch.”
“And if a white person comes at me like ‘they just want to know where you grew up or if you’re not from here’, there are better ways to ask!” – thesongsinmyhead
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s frustration was warranted; however his berating the mother with f-bombs probably probably wasn’t the right way to articulate himself.
Redditors were also disappointed in the OP’s boyfriend for not defending him and continuing to make excuses for his mother for deliberately disrespecting the OP’s name.