When someone is undergoing a major change in their life, they look for support from as many people as they can.
Particularly their partners or spouses.
Most of the time, these same partners and spouses are more than happy to back them up and offer to help them in any way they can.
Even if, in their partner’s eyes, they aren’t doing enough.
The wife of Redditor Lil_Moody247 was on a mission to make a significant lifestyle change.
A decision the original poster (OP) was firmly behind.
However, in the eyes of the OP’s wife, he wasn’t doing nearly enough, which she told him in no uncertain terms.
Concerned he may have let her down, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not be more active/present in my wife’s journey to lose weight?”
The OP explained why their wife didn’t think they were showing adequate support:
“Some backstory first; My wife had back to back pregnancies over the past two years with the second pregnancy being a twin.”
“If you have kids, then you know how being pregnant CHANGES a woman’s body and it can take years to recover.”
“Ever since giving birth to our twins, my wife has been very insecure about her body.”
“Simply put, she doesn’t like how she looks. I know this and can honestly say, I’ve never been critical about how she looks, even before the pregnancy, not once.”
“I have no problem with her looks, not one bit, she’ll always be pretty in my eyes.”
“In the beginning of this year, she started getting back to working out and just couple weeks ago decided to join an online nutrition program that helps her eat better.”
“I was 100% onboard with everything because I know this is very important to her.”
“I want her to succeed and start loving herself more.”
“However, she thinks I’m not active or present enough in her weight loss journey.”
“I’m just on the sidelines cheering and she feels like she’s in it alone.”
“She said I’ve not shown any active interest in her progress and only listens when she shared her learnings, never directly ask her about anything relating to working out or eating healthy.”
“She said she expected me to show support by also start eating the same food as her and also start paying more attention to my body (I’m not fat nor skinny, just an average build with average BMI)”
“Honestly, I was kinda pissed when I heard this and told her I’ve been nothing but supportive.”
“I just don’t want to eat too healthy (by her standards) because it’s kinda boring, and I’d like to have some not-so-healthy meals from time to time.”
“Then there was a lot of back-and-forth of me not understanding her point, my attitude is bad, etc.”
“I decided to keep quiet and just left the room to do other chores and calm down a bit.”
“When I returned from taking the trash out, I saw her crying.”
“I felt bad and went over to hug her and told her I’ll start eating healthier with her but please don’t take a way my favorite food, which I’ll usually have once or twice a week for breakfast (it’s around 650 kcal) I thought my response was appropriate, I took a step in the direction that she wanted and just have one minor request.”
“This was also said in a non-confrontational, couple-y, apologetic, all I want is peace type voice.”
“I was trying to be cute with that ‘please done take away’ line.”
“Then she hit me with, ‘Don’t you think I would also want to have that?’”
“’What makes you think I won’t want the same thing?'”
“‘But I can’t’.”
“’If it’s such a sacrifice for you, I’d rather you not’, etc. And now I’m PISSED. I told her I thought this was a step in the right direction. Why can’t she just appreciate this decision, and we can all be in this together?”
“Her response was, ‘Why are you getting so worked up over this food?’”
“I honestly couldn’t see what I did wrong, especially our last conversation.”
“The decision I made felt right, but she told me my ‘attitude’ was wrong’.”
“Some more info:”
“We had two pregnancy but we only have the twins.”
“The twins are 9 months old, we stopped breastfeeding almost 6 months ago.”
“We order takeout or Uber eats every meal.”
“Don’t really have time to cook.”
“I don’t eat my favorite food in front of her. I have it for breakfast at work.”
“We don’t do snack or sweet, I’ll have milk tea occasionally but I volunteered to give it up when she started the nutrition program.”
“Am I the A**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: No A**holes
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole, despite his wife’s feelings.
Everyone agreed that the expectations of the OP’s wife were too high, and the OP was more than supportive enough in her mission to lose weight:
“NTA.”
“A weight loss journey is personal. She can’t expect others around her to join in.”
“As long as you’re not sabotaging her efforts by encouraging her to eat things she wants to avoid, discouraging her from exercising, etc, you’re good.”
“You should sit down and have a discussion with her about what support from you would look like from her perspective.”
“She shouldn’t expect you to read her mind.”
“I’m on a weight loss journey myself rn and I’d hate it if my spouse was always asking me how it was going or commenting on my efforts.”
“But different strokes for different folks.”
“Instead of coming to her with what you thought would be a good compromise, you should have asked her what would be helpful.”
“But then she also needs to be willing to meet you halfway because you’re an adult and should feel free to eat what you want.”
“She can say what she wants from you, but if it’s not something you can or want to give (such as give up a favorite breakfast) then she needs to realize that it’s not all about her.”- catsaway9
“NTA.”
“I’m currently on a weight loss journey and am down about 70 lbs in the last year.”
“You are not unreasonable to want to eat some treats from time to time — your wife’s weight loss regimen isn’t yours.”
“However, eating in a calorie deficit sucks sometimes, especially a few months in when the novelty has worn off and the results aren’t super visible yet.”
“I never realized how much of my social life revolved around food, happy hours, movie dates with popcorn, weekend treats with my partner, food is everywhere and it gets a little old feeling like everyone else gets to enjoy while you eat your chicken breast and veggies.”
“I don’t think you need to give up your favorite foods, but you could show more support for her.”
“Ask her about her weight loss, compliment her, offer to go on walks with her, etc.”
“If you show support for her in her journey, she might not mind your special breakfast.”
“Also, it’s ok for her to treat herself sometimes.”
“Sustainable weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint.”
“If she’s being too rigid without a treat here and there, of course she’ll be resentful of any ‘extras’ you eat.”- karenna89
“NTA.”
“Though situation is different- my dad recently began a weight loss journey and was able to do it!”
“However, my mom wasn’t on it, and though she wasn’t on it, she began to buy brown rice instead of white rice, or made more food with veggies, and stuff like that.”
“She didn’t completely change the diet in the whole house, but was considerate with my dad.”
“Ultimately, though, he was the one that had to control himself and even when going out only ate salads and stuff.”
“Because the rest of us (my and my siblings ) continued eating the same foods he couldn’t.”
“So she has to learn unfortunately, how to control it by substituting.”- Eastern_Garlic_7853
“NTA.”
“Your wife is on a journey that can be hard, especially if it’s her first time really trying to lose weight.”
“It may be extremely difficult for her to focus on her journey when the food is in the house.”
“Instead of admitting that, she’s blaming it on the way you eat.”
“Maybe if you want certain foods that she struggles with, keep it in a separate part of the house.”
“It sounds a little looney tunes, but it may help.”
“Also, she may benefit from a nutritional coach/counselor.”- mebenfie
“NTA.”
“Eating healthy / living healthy is great but for some people (especially folks just getting started) it becomes their whole life.”
“I can 100% understand being supportive but not super interested.”
“You’re cheering her on.”
“It’s her journey not yours.”
“It’s not like you’re actively hindering her progress.”- GarbageWitch87
What the OP’s wife is going through can’t be easy.
And the OP is offering as much support as he can.
One wonders if his wife ever considered if she is asking too much of him, and might need professional support?
As it seems the support of a professional might be beneficial for both her physical and mental health.