They say opposites attract.
Truthfully, the chances of a person falling in love with someone with whom they have absolutely nothing in common are slim to none.
But almost no one finds a partner with whom they share the exact same interests and hobbies.
That means you might have to partake in activities that you normally wouldn’t do… simply to support your partners.
Redditor ironmanvssailormoon had supported her husband through his biggest passion throughout their entire relationship.
So, when the original poster (OP) finally found a hobby of her own that got her excited, she expected her husband to be just as supportive.
Unfortunately, his reaction was not at all what she anticipated, resulting in a somewhat tense exchange of words between the two of them.
Having doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for prioritizing my hobby over my husband’s?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to confront her husband regarding her new hobby:
“Me (39 F[emale]) and my husband (39 M[ale]) got into an argument tonight because I would rather do a sailing course than go to his half Ironman.”
‘I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here.”
‘For context, we’ve been married for 2 years and dated for 7.”
“The whole time I’ve known him he’s been into endurance sports.”
“He’s done multiple marathons, sprint and half Ironmans, and one full Ironman.”
“I have attended almost all of his races to cheer him on.”
“If you know anything about this world, it is A LOT for the spouses and families.”
“We plan almost every summer around his race calendar and training schedules.”
“This means taking our vacations in the off-season or him training during our vacation.”
“And him doing many hours of training during the week and on weekends.”
“This is totally cool with me as I like my alone time and am generally pretty independent.”
“Now for the argument.”
“I’ve been wanting to learn to sail since 2020, but due to COVID and some personal health issues, it hasn’t happened yet.”
“This year, we moved spitting distance to a marina, and I’ve made friends with people who sail.
“I feel like it’s finally meant to be, and I can’t wait.”
“The problem is that the sailing course I want to take is only offered on certain dates.”
“Due to other plans we have this summer, the first one I could do overlaps with his half Ironman so I wouldn’t be able to go with him.”
“If I don’t do this one, then I have to wait until mid-August, which is late in the season (where we live).”
“I could find another place that offers courses, but I want to join this specific club because I know people there already, and they have the best facilities and events.”
“When I explained this to him and showed him the other dates he suggested I could call in sick from work for 3 days and do a different date.”
“I replied in a snarky way ‘so you want me to miss work so I can go to your Ironman?’.”
“He immediately got annoyed, walked away, and said, ‘Fine, I’ll just go by myself’.”
“This sparked a huge argument.”
“I felt like it was unreasonable to even ask me to do it and that skipping one race isn’t a big deal.”
“He says he felt like my response was dismissive and that it was just a suggestion.”
“He said this race has been planned for months, and he was looking forward to taking the trip with me (the race is somewhere we both enjoy visiting around 3.5 hrs from where we live).”
“While I do enjoy supporting him, attending a half Ironman isn’t a relaxing vacation for me.”
“It’s super fun for him, and I know it helps motivate him to see me cheering along the course, but it can be pretty tiring for me, and I’ve been to so many at this point, so why shouldn’t I put my sailing first?”
“We talked it out, and I apologized for being dismissive and snarky.”
“He’s ok with me not going but I’m doubting now.”
“Should I just take time off and do both (I wouldn’t call out sick, but I could take PTO)?”
“AITA for how I reacted to his suggestion and skipping his race?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: No A**holes
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for prioritizing sailing over her husband’s competitions.
Everyone agreed that, as the OP has spent almost the entirety of her relationship cheering her husband on at his competitions, it’s high time he allowed her to partake in something that made her happy as well:
‘Are you kidding me?!”
“You spend all this time and money going to your husband’s races, and he throws a fit because you are going to miss ONE?!?!”
“How is this a partnership?”
“Are you a grown woman or a varsity cheerleader?”
“Explore your own interests!”
“NTA.”- Next-Wishbone1404
“NTA.”
“You have had to postpone your personal interests due to extenuating circumstances for years.”
“And your life/intimate life revolves entirely around his full-time hobby.”
“He needs to give you grace for putting yourself first.”
“Don’t feel shame.”
“There’s many more moments to show up for him.”
“Allow yourself to show up for yourself for once.”- OkPanda8627
“NTA.”
“He’s enjoyed all your support for his activities.”
“It’s time that he starts supporting your activities, too.”
“That might be a hard change for him.”
“But worth it.”- ScarletNotThatOne
“NTA.”
“I had a few years where I did races as well (up to half distance), and while it’s definitely nice to have a support crew, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t.”
“Plus I can appreciate that on the spectator end, you see the racer a few times for a few seconds at a time.”
“Not exactly thrilling.”
“Surely by this point, he has some tri friends who are also attending?”- Hasselman
‘Why do so many women get stuck playing the supporting actress role in their own life?”
“You deserve to do something for you at least 6 months of the year.”
“NTA.”- capmanor1755
“NTA.”
“What exactly does attending his race entail for you?”
“Standing around for hours and not even being able to see him most of the time?”
“And what does it entail for him?”
“He gets a sweaty hug at the end and praised for being a good boy and told that mommy watched him the whole time?”
“I don’t see why he and his interests need to be centered all the time.”- themonicastone
“NTA.”
“You have wanted to learn to sail for half a decade.”
“Over that time, you have attended his hobby for hours and days at a time.”
“He can put on his big boy pants and compete one time without you watching.”
“He needs to understand that all your free time can’t be about him.”
“You deserve a hobby, too.”- Donutsmell
“NTA.”
“His requests for you to miss work to go sailing another time (so that you can be at his race) suggest some deeper insecurities lurking.”
“Or we are missing information.”
“Is he open to doing some counseling?”
“It’s healthy for partners to have their own hobbies and enjoy them away from each other, and also to have hobbies you do together.”
“You guys can work through this, just be curious and open with him.”
“I’m not hearing any concessions or gratitude from him either regarding your consistent and supportive attendance.”
“Not sure whether you’d unconsciously left that stuff out or not, but just pointing it out.”- UnlikelyCandy8167
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment and share where things currently stood between her and her husband, as well as her sailing:
“I just registered for my course!”
“Thank you to everyone who took the time to share your perspective.”
“For people wondering why I was doubting my decision even after we initially talked, it’s because I’m a recovering people pleaser, and I’m hyper-aware of the faintest whiff of disappointment/negative emotion in people.”
“This has helped me see that I’ve created the expectation over the years that I’ll attend (most) of his races.”
“And I haven’t been open with him about how much mental and emotional effort it takes for me.”
“We talked again this morning, and I shared my honest feelings.”
“We agreed that I won’t be going to his races in the future unless they’re a really big milestone.”
“He expressed how appreciative he is of all the support I’ve given him, and he’s very excited to support me in my sailing.”
“This was a good lesson for me in overcoming my people-pleasing tendencies, so thank you!”
Having someone cheering you on from the stands or the audience is a great feeling.
But those people cheering us on are just as worthy of our support.
It looks like the OP’s husband has thankfully come to realize this and will hopefully cheer her on at her first sailboat race.