Life is constantly changing, and as we grow and change with it, it’s understandable that sometimes we’re going to change our minds about certain things.
But when you have a committed life partner, and the two of you agree about something major like how many children you want to have, it would be concerning for one of you to change your mind, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Pure_Mongoose5188 and his wife previously agreed about how many children they were comfortable with having and also how many children they could afford, and he was comfortable with the conclusions he and his wife came to.
But when she started hinting at having another baby and was angry when he said no to more, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do about the situation.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife I don’t want any more kids?”
The OP and his wife previously agreed that they would not have more children.
“My wife (28 Female) and I (31 Male) have three kids together, with two boys and one girl.”
“About one year ago, after our last child was born, we discussed if we wanted any more kids. We both agreed on no more kids because having another child when we already have three children is enough for us.”
But the OP became concerned when his wife seemed to change her mind.
“Okay, so last night my wife started going on and on about wanting another baby, showing me baby TikTok videos, and nursery photos.”
“I reminded her about the fact that we already agreed on having no more kids, and even if I did want another baby, it wouldn’t work out money-wise because our two boys already play sports, and we are planning on putting our little girl in a sport also (if you know, you know sports ain’t cheap).”
“I listened to her rant for about 20 minutes, saying how once the baby was born, I wouldn’t regret saying yes, and how she would refuse to have kids after a certain age if I ever asked again.”
The OP maintained his response.
“I just flat out told her, no. We agreed on what we agreed on already, and I just don’t want any more kids. And I also wouldn’t have a strong connection to the baby because I didn’t want another baby in the first place.”
“She got up, stomping her feet upstairs, and locked herself in our room. When it was time for bed, she sighed every time I tried to talk to her and ignored me.”
“I don’t get it. We already agreed on not having any more kids. Am I being a jerk or what? I feel like I am.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were surprised by how flippantly the OP’s wife spoke about having more children.
“She’s talking about it as if you’re getting a new dining room set or some s**t.” – Just_Appointment5353
“NTA. Planning on having another baby is a mutual agreement. She can’t throw a fit over your feelings being different than hers.” – Ok_Requirement_8223
“I don’t understand why people treat a pregnancy as such an, ‘Oops, oh well,’ situation like this. Women who purposely get pregnant without their husband’s consent are horrible.” – ThrwWsy997
“NTA. It seems reasonable for her to change her mind and want that discussion again (same as it would be for you), but that’s on the premise of testing it like the mutual-double-yes that it should be.” – DadsMailbox
“NTA. I see this so many times. Kids start to get older. Mom misses the cuddly baby and early toddler stage. Talk to her about what she’s missing and why she changed her mind.” – UndebateableMom
“You’re not being a jerk.”
“I’m gonna be honest here: when ovulation hits, a baby sounds like a phenomenal idea. The ovulation ends and I wonder what the hell I was thinking.”
“My advice is don’t make a big deal out of it, quietly stand firm on your decision (if it helps, tell her to sit on the idea for a while and you’ll come back to it), and see if the baby fever wanes. Also, if you’re truly done, get the snip. It’ll save you a lot of anxiety and uncertainty.”
“May the odds be ever in your favor.” – ___unloved___
Others theorized that the OP’s wife was being influenced by “tradwife” trends on social media.
“NTA. She’s letting herself be influenced by TikTok and the emotional high that comes with it, but she’s not thinking about the effect it’s gonna have on your family and your finances.”
“Honestly, you guys need to sit down and have a conversation because if she decides to get pregnant without a serious talk, it’s gonna suck all around for all of you.” – ConstantLuxury
“Oh boy. You’re in deep s**t, OP. Trad wife content is straight up looney tunes. Best of luck to you and your wife; I hope you make it.” – ConradChilblainsIII
“Ohhh my God no, NOT the trad wives. They are fake as h**l.”
“Tell her to watch Hannah Alonzo’s video on trad wives. And no, I don’t think you’re the AH because you’re just being realistic.” – ConvectionPerfection
“All the TikTok trad wives have rich husbands and/or are making bank off being influencers. And they have nannies. And they have housekeepers and personal chefs. It’s not in the same universe as the reality of being a regular SAHM.” – LadyFoxfire
“All those trad wife influencers are raking in serious dough from their social media. They can afford to have a gaggle of kids because many of them are making $10k+ a month from social media on top of whatever their husbands bring in.”
“And that’s what disappoints me in today’s society. That these losers actually make an income from this s**t. It’s not about family for them. It’s about entertainment.” – Forward-Repeat-2507
“It’s definitely brainwashing, which is really sad. If a woman wants to choose to be a traditional wife for her own reasons and her and her partner’s lifestyle can support that, then that’s one thing.”
‘But to allow yourself to be brainwashed into thinking that’s your purpose or the main driving force in life is, well, sort of tragic. Feminism has fought hard to let women know they can be more than just their identity as a stay-at-home mom.”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with being one, by the way! But everyone (your wife included) needs to also allow themselves to be more than just their identity as a parent too, or the burnout and emotional load will be intense, especially as your kids continue to grow up and their needs only get more demanding (and more expensive).” – borderlinebreakdown
After receiving feedback, the OP offered some initial responses.
“I do plan on having a serious talk with her when I get home.”
“And about the vasectomy comments, I planned on getting one after our baby girl was born, and we had both decided on no more kids. I do plan on getting one sometime soon because we are not fit for another baby, and I don’t want to accidentally get her pregnant.”
“Thanks for the advice. I appreciate all of you.”
“And for everyone saying my wife has a mental illness, please stop. Either you agree or disagree with me, or give some advice/insight, but don’t talk rudely about my wife.”
The OP then shared a very sweet update.
“Here’s the update. I got home from work, and my wife and I had a deep conversation. It felt nice really talking to my wife on such a deep level.”
“We decided to go on a walk around this little park near our home, and it was very nice. We really opened up to each other.”
“Her friends were the main influence. They’re also on that trad mom Tiktok trend, and they convinced my wife that she should have another baby because, ‘That’s what God put her on this earth to do.'”
“I told my wife I respect her, and being a mother may be one part of your life, and it’s meaningful, but it’s not the only thing that gives you worth or purpose. It made me angry that her ‘friends’ really told her that’s what she was put on this earth to do, and that it’s her only purpose to have babies.”
“She is a creative woman, and she’s funny, kind, and very intelligent. It hurt me to think that having babies is her only purpose when there is so much more about her.”
“We’re home now, eating chocolate-covered almonds and popcorn while watching a funny movie. I love seeing her laugh. We understand each other now on a much deeper level than before.”
“I love my wife. And to all the comments that said we should get a dog, we might. She’s thinking of a golden retriever. Thank you for all the advice.”
“She decided she wants a garden, too, when we were having breakfast together, something to do while the kids aren’t home. I think that’s pretty nice, so I’ve got to plan when I’m going to build it, though.”
“She wants tomatoes, berries, peppers, cucumbers, and a bunch of flowers, too. I’ll make it work out somehow, just got to find time to start building that thing.”
Fellow Redditors loved the update.
“That update is so wholesome. This whole situation was surprisingly well resolved for a Reddit AITA post, love to see mature communication like this.” – MadnessRed08
“I like the update; it shows that most Reddit relationship posts can be solved by talking to your significant other.” – Aetherfool
“Great update, OP. Maybe your wife should consider expanding her social circle with some non-trad wives/women who don’t think her value is only in her uterus.” – Comfortable-Ad-8324
“Thanks for the update. Now go make an appointment for your vasectomy.” – Wanderlustwednesday
“Loved your update, so mature and thoughtful!”
“Her friends sound frightening.”
“My hubby and I wanted two. He had a vasectomy a few weeks later, and we couldn’t be happier.”
“All the best, OP.” – Judgecanderlay
“I’m so happy to see the update. I’m glad y’all came to an understanding. A dog would be a lovely addition to the family when you all are ready!!” – lilcatastrophe
“That update is f**king amazing. Actual communication, no overreaction, and actual love for one another. That’s a relationship, folks.” – jpb59
“That update was a d**n romantic movie ending. Applause to both of you.” – Background-88
While the subReddit was happy to see such a positive and hopeful update, they also hoped that the OP’s wife would rethink the people that she kept around her, with the exception of the OP.
She started feeling this way about herself because of her friend group, and there’s advice that you’re the sum of the five main people you surround yourself with for a reason…