When romantic relationships grow, we want to become an increasingly active part of our partner’s lives.
This includes getting to know their friends better, being their plus one at work and social events, and more or less becoming part of their family.
We also want to be a support system for them should their life hit a rough patch.
That is, if they’ll allow us to.
The boyfriend of Redditor Steff4296 was recently faced with some devastating news.
Naturally, the original poster (OP) wanted to be right there by his side to help him through it.
Much to the OP’s surprise, however, her boyfriend was almost completely uninterested in her support.
Unable to shake off her shock and confusion at this, the OP took to the subReddit “AM I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for holding a grudge that I was uninvited to my boyfriend’s mother’s funeral?”
The OP shared why she remained unsettled by her boyfriend’s exclusion:
“Me “35 F[emale] and my boyfriend, 42 M[ale] are from the same country but met overseas.”
“We have been together 5 years and live together.”
“I did not meet his parents until year 4.”
“He always had excuses such as distance, timing, and that his mum had dementia and it would be too hard on her to meet new people.”
“By the time I finally met her, her dementia had progressed and she disliked me immediately, which devastated me.”
“I felt it had been left too late for us to form a bond.”
“My partner is difficult.”
“He values his privacy over connection and often puts up emotional roadblocks.”
“His mum passed away last month.”
“I assumed I would be at the funeral to support him.”
“He flew home earlier to see her and I booked a flight after.”
“The day before the funeral, I asked for details and he told me ‘maybe it’s best you don’t go’.”
“He said I barely knew his dad and had not met the extended family, so it was not the right setting.”
“I said I wanted to support him, not anyone else.”
“He went back and forth before finally telling me late at night not to come because he preferred to deal with things alone.”
“I was devastated.”
“On the day I sent him a kind message, he thanked me, but I did not hear from him until evening.”
“The next day he said, ‘I made the right choice not having you there’.”
“‘It would have been too stressful’.”
“He also said he had spoken to friends and family who agreed.”
“Finding out his friends were there broke me even more.”
“It has been 3 weeks and I cannot shake it.”
“I already feel like I am low on his list, below friends, family, and nights out.”
“Being excluded from one of the hardest days of his life feels like confirmation.”
“For clarity, I have never suspected cheating.”
“A week later I did spend a few days with his dad and met some of his friends, so I do not think he was hiding me.”
“He has never seemed interested in female attention and prefers being with his male friends.”
“Part of me wonders if I am being selfish.”
“Should I just be compassionate and accept that grief makes people act differently? Or am I justified in feeling pushed out and hurt?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community all but unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for holding a grudge against her boyfriend.
Everyone agreed that not only did the OP have every right to be upset for being excluded from the funeral, but also that the OP should seriously reconsider how healthy this relationship is, as it seems her boyfriend was uninterested in having her be a part of his life:
“Hun…I’m going to hold your hand while I say this.”
“This man is not in love with you.”
“The red flag is flying high and clear.”
“Your gut is screaming loud to you as well.”
“Please see and listen to them.”
“He may be your bf, but you are definitely not his gf.”
“Time to close that door and move on.”
“No need to hold a grudge.”
“He does not deserve such free real estate in your mind.”
“Know your worth.”
“NTA.”- LylyO
“He doesn’t sound like he likes you.’
“Like at all.”
“It’s ok to be single.”
“Life is too short to live with someone and force yourself to pretend they like you.”
“Move on.”
“NTA.”- Disastrous-Soup-5413
“NTA.”
“Except maybe to yourself?”
“Grief is difficult and everyone handles it differently, so as a one-off I’d actually have called it NAH.”
“Some people need a little distance before they’re ready to be a good partner.”
“BUT you’re describing something persistent.”
“‘My partner is difficult. He values his privacy over connection and often puts up emotional roadblocks’.”
“‘I already feel like I am low on his list’.”
“I have bad news, friend: you do not have a partner, not the kind you seem to mean.”
“He may be a few steps above a friend-with-benefits but he’s not interested in sharing his whole life with you, not really.”
“That’s not inherently wrong of him, but it’s a particular relationship preference and it sounds like you would be happier with someone who engages with and includes you at a more typical ‘partner’ level’.”
“THAT SAID, I can’t help but notice:”
“‘Puts up emotional roadblocks’.”
“‘His friends were there’.”
“‘I am low on his list, below friends’.’
“‘Never seemed interested in female attention and prefers being with his male friends’.”
“Look, I dunno the guy, but are you sure you’re not his beard?”
“You’re also a good bit younger than him- at 35/42 it’s definitely not ‘worrying’ level age gap to me, but with everything else it makes me wonder.”
“Either way, you don’t seem happy in this relationship, so why are you still in it?”
“If you’re sticking with him because you’re determined to break through his walls and then he’ll change and be open and everything will be perfect, I highly advise against making life plans based on that.”
“It may never happen and you’ll resent giving up so much time beating your fists against a wall, but even if you do get through someday- sometimes breaking through a person’s walls means finding things you don’t like.”
“Good luck out there, OP.”- oliviamrow
“Huge red flag.”
“NTA at all.”
“5 months, maybe I could get on board with his position.”
“But 5 years totally different.”
“This isn’t a forever relationship for him.”
“The fact that you flew there and he only told you after you were there is absolutely wild.”-thesweeterpeter
“‘Should I just be compassionate and accept that grief makes people act differently? Or am I justified in feeling pushed out and hurt?'”
“I think both things can be true.”
“Grief can impact how people think and act.”
‘But this sounds like you were deliberately and thoughtfully excluded.”
“That doesn’t sound like a partnership.”
“Unless there’s more going on than you’ve shared or are aware of (a reason that his family wouldn’t want you there) it isn’t a typical or healthy relationship dynamic to exclude your partner from a situation like this.”
“While a long-term grudge isn’t a healthy behavior, you’re NTA for feeling hurt, excluded etc.”-
tinyd71
“NTA.”
“But why do you stay in this relationship with someone who is clearly not interested in integrating you into his life?”- PeachBanana8
“NTA, but to me this warrants a bigger conversation about what you both want out of the relationship.”
“You’re both fully adults in 30s-40s, there is absolutely an expectation that you would face these life events together and support one another after 5 years in a relationship.”
“If he doesn’t want you around for those moments, or you don’t have a lot of interaction with his family and friends, I would wonder if there are traumatic or uncomfortable events/connections in his past that he doesn’t want people to bring up with you, or if he’s just never grown up in a family that really leans on each other and he doesn’t know how to be vulnerable with you.”
“My husband grew up in a family that did not openly love and support one another, so while day to day he his affectionate and fun to be around, when he really gets stressed or worried about something, his inclination is to retreat and not share with me, because it was never previously safe for him to do so.”
“It’s getting better as time goes on, and he’s learning on a subconscious level that it’s safe to be vulnerable with me even though as a child he didn’t grow up with that reality or example.”-Altruistic_Ad_9821
There were a select few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, entirely owing to the fact that she let herself stay in this relationship that wasn’t good for her at all.
‘Why are you still with this man after so many years of him sabotaging the relationship?”
“ESH.”- panic_bread
While a few others felt that no one was an a**hole in this situation, for the exact same reason:
“NAH.”
“But honey, that man is not your husband.”
“Your husband would want you by his side during one of the most tragic events of his life.”
“Go find your husband.”- Reddit
Sometimes, mainly in an effort not to feel lonely, we might tell ourselves that having a partner, any partner, is better than not.
However, being with a partner that doesn’t value or treat us as we deserve will likely only make us feel all the more lonely,
Something the OP seems to be feeling in this relationship.