Cleaning up after someone's 'intimate encounter' with a partner is not something everyone is comfortable doing.
If it's a person's job, like a hotel maid, that's one thing,
But cleaning up after family and friends can give a person that 'ick' feel.
There are just some chores people might need to do themselves.
Redditor Remote_Tangerine_718 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA Mom mad because I don't wanna clean her dirty sex sheets?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom travels for work and is often away for months at a time."
"When she does come home, she usually flies in late, so she likes her room to be clean and her bed freshly washed and made."
"I'm happy to oblige because she's letting me live at home for free while I save up for my own place, and it's a simple request to just want the house clean."
"Plus, she's my mom."
"She's been dating this guy and has him over sometimes when she's in town."
"The last time she was here was Thanksgiving, and this guy spent the night at our place."
"I know that he and my mom had intimate relations because I could hear it from my room."
"Yes, gross… but she's an adult, and I'm living at her house."
"So, it is what it is."
"Anyways, she leaves to go back to work the next day without cleaning her room/sheets."
"And now, she'll be coming home next week for the holidays."
"I told her that I didn't feel comfortable cleaning her dirty sheets because I don't want to touch dirty sheets."
"She got pissed off and was saying that it's not a big deal, as housekeepers in hotels clean dirty sheets all the time."
"But I stood ten toes down that I'm not touching those sheets even with gloves."
"She's still pissed but said she'll do it herself, but I don't understand how she doesn't understand that I actually feel offended that she'd expect me to handle those sheets in the first place."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, she could have stripped the bed and put them in the washer before she left." ~ Physical_Dance_9606
"Right... ask to move them to the dryer and make the bed if you don't have time, but it takes two minutes to strip a bed and start the laundry." ~ mrsthibeault
"NTA, anyone else who disagrees is weird. It doesn't make op immature/lazy for not wanting to be around her mother's fluids."
"Also, OP does do the laundry as she stated in her post."
"She just doesn't want to wash these sheets from her mother's sexual activities." ~ BookkeeperWorking875
"Yeah op is fine cleaning, and it's a very healthy boundary not to want to touch your parents' sex blanket. NTA." ~ i_was_a_person_once
"This. Why would OP's mother want her own child to touch her sex sheets? Ew..."
"My father has had a VERY active sex life, and while he may say a bit too much at times, he would never, EVER want me touching his sheets unless they are fresh out of the wash... and even then it's a very rare request."
"It was never a boundary that needed to be established; it was just always there."
"Once you come out into the world, you are done dealing with your parents' sex life."
"No more of that." ~ Lower-Elk8395
"NTA, 'I'm not a housekeeper, I'm your child.'"
"To be clear, I think general cleaning is a reasonable ask given her letting of live there."
"But not going into another person's bedroom is a hill I will die on."
"I will not clean someone else's room."
"At most, I'd open the door and put the Roomba in there." ~ First_Departure8072
"NTA, all the Americans in the comments are honestly so weird, acting like parents are doing charity for their children if they still live with them past a certain age."
"You decide to have a kid, you sign up for supporting them for a lifetime, even though the kind of support you do will likely change throughout their lifetime, it doesn't stop when the child reaches adulthood."
"You apparently do enough housekeeping that she feels comfortable comparing you to an actual housekeeper (presumably including washing her sheets if they're not dirty with sexual fluids), and from another comment, you do pay for several things."
"It literally takes a few moments to take off dirty sheets."
"She's a grown woman; she can do that herself." ~ sleepyggukie
"NTA, that's just gross."
"As a mother living with an adult child, I would never ask him or her to do that."
"I also wouldn't do it for him." ~ DueRaccoon4897
"NTA. It wouldn't have been difficult for her to throw them in the washer before she left and then ask you to dry them and remake her bed while she was gone."
"She's treating you like a housekeeper, not her child."
"There's no respect there." ~j en_esse
"NTA - you are not a housekeeper, and I see below that you said you pay many bills in the house."
"She can strip her own bed and throw the sheets in the wash before she leaves town (not a big deal for you to throw them in the dryer once they are clean and leave them on her bed for her) or wash her sheets when she gets home."
"I've never lived with any roommates or family that expected me to change and wash their sheets."
"It's a weird ask in the first place to ask someone else to clean your bedroom." ~ Aggravating_Onion_52
"NTA, her room should be her responsibility, and if she wants a clean room when she gets home, she can clean it before she goes." ~ Silent-Appearance-78
"NTA, and anyone saying yta is welcome to wash their own parent's cummy sheets."
"That's nasty AF."
"It's mental to ask anyone to clean that, outside of the person who helped you get them dirty."
"And you ain't a housekeeper, you're her child, no matter how old!!!" ~ HoodieGalore
"As someone who works in healthcare, this IS gross."
"The mom could easily strip the bed, put the laundry in the washer and start it, and I'm certain OP would not mind making the bed with the clean sheets."
"There is a HUGE difference between cleaning up after your child and cleaning up after another grown adult, and I say that as someone who does for work." ~ wisewolfholo14
"Right? I swear some of these commenters are actual children who don't understand that bodily fluids smell and get gross."
"I had to clean restrooms at an old job for about two weeks once, after the cleaner quit and the company was waiting on a new one."
"People are f*cking disgusting, and you could not pay me enough to clean up after them."
"I was on the verge of throwing up sometimes."
"Your mom can clean her own nasty bedsheets, OP. NTA." ~ hiddenone0326
"Completely reasonable to expect Mom to remove the semen/saliva/secretion/lubricant-laden sheets and throw them in the washing machine while she's off to her next shag."
"After that reasonable for you to do the rest."
"Be sure and do a hot wash with bleach. NTA." ~ Waste_Worker6122
"Yeah, Mom should have pulled those off and thrown them in the laundry room at the very least!"
"That's pretty f**king rude and entitled to ask you to change dirty sex sheets!"
"When I go to visit my mom, and if my husband and I do the thing, I always insist on stripping the bed and throwing them in the washing machine."
"I know she doesn't mind and understands married things, but it gives me the ick to think of someone else touching it."
A hotel is different because you're paying somebody to deal with your gross sheets and towels."
"They already know what they need to avoid and how to deal with the biological items." ~ lissabeth777
"NTA, you're allowed to have boundaries even when still living with parents."
"If she wants you to continue, she can put her sheets and bedding into the washer, and you can take it from there."
"The difference between this and housekeeping is that you aren't cleaning up after your own mom (extra ick factor), and you know what you're signing up for as a housekeeper."
"Shes just doing a favor for her mom."
"Was this a stipulation for you staying, or is it just something you decided you would do to thank your mom?"
"It sounds like you did this cuz you know she likes the fresh cleaning bedding, and you felt you could do this to show you appreciate her."
"It really doesn't mean you have to do something that makes you uncomfortable."
"I do think the best solution is that she handles the dirty bedding from now on, you can start the washer, dry them, and put them back."
"It isn't unreasonable to want to touch sheets with your mom's and boyfriend's fluids on them.
"That grosses me out, too." ~ Exoquey
"NTA. It is totally reasonable after someone has sex that they take their own sheets off and put them in the wash."
I imagine you wouldn't have an issue with then making the bed thereafter; she could just leave it stripped." ~ YoshiJoshi_
Reddit is with you, OP.
Some chores just cross a line.
You're keeping everything else clean and taking care of the house.
This isn't that big of an ask on your part.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp