Grief hits everyone in different ways.
Sometimes moving on is a form of releasing grief.
But everyone’s grieving process can start to clash.
What does one do when there is still life left to be lived for those left behind?
Redditor TheGamingSenpa1 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not wanting to go to my Dad’s wedding after my mom passed away?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I’m (20 M[ale]) and my mother recently passed away a couple of months ago in February, and she and my dad were married for 38 years together.”
“My siblings and I had a really close relationship with her; she was our best friend, the glue that kept the family together.”
“But maybe only a month after her funeral, my father was already starting to go on dates again.”
“My siblings and I thought it was weird at first, but we didn’t think anything of it.”
“Continue down the line, he reconnected with a woman that he knew years ago, from when he was in his teenage years, and seemingly she saw the video of my mom’s funeral online and texted my dad on Facebook, wanting to check in with him, and see if he’s alright.”
“After that point, a couple of weeks later, he then sat down and told me, my brother, and my S[ister]- I[n]-L[aw] that he was talking to someone new, but they were just friends talking.”
“Well, a couple of months later, after that point, I started seeing my dad less and less each weekend, until he just had the routine of always leaving Friday and not coming back until Monday because she lives in Ohio.”
“And the more he went, the more they got closer until they started dating for a bit, and then got engaged.”
“They’ve even started building a house together down where my dad and I live, which I’m moving into because I’m still a college student.”
“At this point, neither my siblings nor I agreed with the fact that he was doing this, as we felt it was weird.”
“My brother is even cutting off contact with him for a bit because of it.”
“We’ve explicitly told him we don’t want to see her, or have anything to do with this new woman in his life.”
“But as stubborn as he is, he keeps bringing her around after we tell him no.”
“Now they’re planning on having their wedding in December in Ohio, and they invited me to come.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not wanting to go to this wedding?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. My condolences on the loss of your mom.”
“You and your brother don’t get votes in your dad’s love life.”
“Yes, it’s fast for them.”
“That’s not that unusual, in my experience.”
“Your dad has likely never lived alone and not had someone do almost everything for him, and he doesn’t want to do it himself.”
“My grandparents had been married for 55 years when my grandma died.”
“Grandpa remarried within a year to someone they were friends with, her and her husband, way back in their early married years.”
“One of my aunts was discombobulated by the quickness of their relationship, but she was hoping to become ‘the matriarch’ and take him in.”
“Grandpa was too independent for that.”
“They were married for 20 years.”
“You may need to rethink your living arrangements.”
“You may not be invited to live with them.”
“That’s their decision.”
“Welcome to adulthood; it sucks sometimes.” ~ KatzAKat
“Dating, engagement, and marriage within 10 months of your wife’s passing.”
“That’s definitely too fast.”
“I hope he gets a chance to see someone (therapist?) before his marriage just to make sure this isn’t a grief response.” ~ Stasia177
“NTA for not wanting to go to the wedding, there are some other items to consider…”
“I agree that 10 months seems pretty quick, and it *does* depend on the circumstances.”
“If the mom were ill for a while and they had discussed it, then that’s his decision, too.”
“Were they happily married?”
“Maybe he’s desperately lonely and wants to experience that again.”
“I know that’s how my dad felt when my mom was ill and passed away a year later from cancer.”
“Maybe the new wife-to-be was also widowed, and they just became kindred spirits, sharing their grief and trying to find some happiness and companionship.”
“I know several people who experienced that.”
“Everyone deals with grief differently.”
“There is no specific timeline.”
“Maybe he dealt with it long before the mom passed away.”
“That’s not disrespectful.”
“At least try to get to know this woman.”
“She’s obviously going to be in his life, and perhaps she is making him happy.”
“Isn’t that what we would want?” ~ GrandmaBaba
“NTA. You’re not required to go.”
“These stories make me shake my head… getting remarried 10 months after a spouse of 38 years passes is certainly one way to move on.”
“New wife kind of sounds like a vulture.” ~ MediocreWonder3929
“It does feel fast, but there are people who just can’t stand the fact that they are alone.”
“I get it, it’s a weird time for you, and you need to tell him the boundaries you need as well, but men of that age don’t know how to care for themselves either; they go from their mother’s house to their spouses, and then once alone again realize that they need another woman around.”
“Should he have therapy to grow as a person?”
“Yes. Is it likely? No.” ~ VBunns
“It can also depend a lot on how long the person was ill for.”
“In some situations, people have been doing some of their grieving in advance.”
“I think this is particularly common where someone had dementia or other conditions, meaning that the person they were was lost before they physically die, but it can be true in cases where someone has a terminal illness – In particular, the element of coming to terms with the fact that they are dying/gone.”
“That doesn’t mean that it’s not hurtful or distressing when someone seems to move on very fast, but it can be the case that they are further on in the grieving process at an earlier stage.”
“Equally, in some cases, losing someone you love can result in a strong ‘Carpe Diem’ mindset – seize the day and enjoy life now, while you can, because you may not be around to do so tomorrow.”
“There’s no single right or wrong way to grieve.” ~ ProfessorYaffle1
“NTA. And there’s the answer.”
“He already grieved his wife’s death.”
“As sad as it is, it was a long time coming and expected.”
“I can understand why he moved on quickly, but what isn’t fair is rushing his kids to do it and accept this new person.”
“He lost his wife and companion of almost 40 years and doesn’t know how to be alone.”
“They lost their mom.”
“It’s a different relationship and a different grief.” ~ Huntress145
“If you really don’t want to see this woman, then the only real option is moving out, because once the house is built, it won’t just be your dad’s place anymore, it’ll be theirs together.”
“That means you’d essentially be living under her roof and her rules, as well, and that could create even more tension for you.”
“I know it’s tough while you’re still in college, but it’s something you need to think through carefully before deciding what’s healthiest for you in the long run.”
“Maybe time to start looking for a roommate.” ~ cgm824
“NAH. My husband lost his father, and seven months later, he found out his mom had reconnected with an old college boyfriend, and they ended up getting married just a little over a year after he passed away.”
“My husband had a hard time with this, but we also had people explain that sometimes when people had a good marriage, they also just liked being married.”
“That doesn’t mean they didn’t love the parent, and it can also make it clear how short life is.”
“That you take chances and jump at happiness, as you have no idea how much time is left.”
“I think you and your siblings probably need to talk to your dad about how you feel.”
“You don’t need to go to the wedding, as I do think that’s asking too much.”
“I do think that unless you want to lose your father, too, you may need to all adjust to telling him you want him to never mention or be around his wife.”
“Maybe tell him you need more time, and he needs to respect that.”
“That it won’t be forever, but that it hasn’t even been a year, and it feels too soon for the rest of you.”
“That you all need time to grieve, and you aren’t in the emotional or mental space to process welcoming in a new spouse.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” ~ Ikfactor
“NTA. You and your siblings are still grieving, and he is asking you to set your feelings aside and come to his wedding.”
“He is allowed to move on and get married, but he should also consider your feelings and accept that you aren’t ready to move on yet.” ~ Sad_Entertainment758
“NAH here.”
“You are still processing the loss of your mom.”
“And your dad is scared of being alone after this long marriage.”
“I am not sure this new marriage will be good; nobody is sure, but I can understand him trying to be with someone.”
“I bet you are not going to live with him forever, so let him go with his own life.” ~ Trespassingw
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your father has every right to move on.
You and your siblings have every right to feel how you all feel as well.
Maybe your parents discussed this scenario before your mom passed, and your dad feels he has her blessing.
Also, maybe some family therapy could help.
Good luck and sorry for your loss.