“Our house, our rules.”
Standard regulations by parents towards their children, the rules often including a curfew, a bedtime, and driving restrictions.
But what if the children living in their parents’ home are, in fact, adults?
Do they still need to follow “house rules”?
Redditor SeveralBullfrog76 was still living with her parents at the age of 21, while she attended college.
Despite being a legal adult, the original poster (OP)’s parents still lay down a series of rules she had to follow while she was living there.
Despite another resident of the house not being beholden to these rules.
Having finally had enough of being under her parents’ scrutiny, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for leaving to stay at a friend’s after my parents grounded me at 21, while my younger brother does whatever he wants?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to flee her parents’ house:
“I’m 21 F[female] and still live at home while finishing school and working part-time.”
“My parents are really strict with me.”
“If I go out, I have to answer a bunch of questions about where I’m going, who I’ll be with, and exactly when I’ll be home.”
“If I’m even a little late, I get texts, calls, and a lecture waiting for me.”
“Meanwhile, my younger brother is 18 and he basically does whatever he wants.”
“He stays out all night, doesn’t check in, sometimes skips classes, and my parents just laugh it off like it’s nothing.”
“Last weekend I was invited to a friend’s birthday.”
“I knew if I asked, I’d get grilled with questions and probably told not to go, so I just left without saying anything.”
“I came back late and my parents completely lost it.”
“They yelled at me, said I disrespected them, and actually told me I was grounded.”
“At 21.”
“I snapped and told them they only try to control me because I’m their daughter, while my brother gets away with everything.”
“Then I packed a bag and went to stay with a friend for two nights.”
“My parents blew up my phone, saying I embarrassed them and humiliated the family.”
“Now they say I can’t ‘come back properly’ until I apologize.”
“I feel guilty for sneaking out and maybe scaring them, but at the same time I feel like I had no choice if I ever want to be treated like an adult.”
“So, AITA for walking out and staying at a friend’s instead of accepting being grounded at 21?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for leaving to stay with a friend after being “grounded”.
Everyone agreed that her parents did have a ridiculous double standard, with many encouraging the OP to consider making her departure permanent:
“You say you work part-time while being at school.”
“Do your parents fund your education?”
“Can you survive + continue studying with the money you earn and have saved so far?”
“If yes, you have the option of moving out right away.”
“If not, sounds like you’ll have to apologize, keep your head down until you finish school and then move out for good and go NC with them as a bonus.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you and the situation you are in.”
“But sometimes you have to focus more on not getting mad but getting even.”
“NTA.”- Spiritual-Bridge3027
“NTA.”
“Also just don’t come back.”
“Clearly they are going to keep being controlling.”-xicor
“NTA.”
“You are 21 years old still being treated like you’re 16.”
“Why do they never do the same with your brother?”
“Is he their favorite child?”
“I would just find a friend to become roommates with and remove yourself from the whole situation.”
“There is no reason for you to be grilled with questions and grounded for not wanting to be dictated and for your brother to be able to do whatever he wants without consequence.”-Confident_Set4216
“NTA”
“You are a grown adult… like wtf are your parents trying to do?”
“Control you and your future partner?”
“Your future kids?”
“Did you think about going low/no contact with them in the future?”- GoGinka13
“NTA.”
“You are 21 and having to SNEAK out, that’s not fair on you at all.”
“The day I turned 18, my dad told me I didn’t have a curfew but asked me to be quiet when I came in, and usually liked a rough idea on time but was very flexible.”
“Every family is different, but I definitely think they are pushing it, trying to control you still at 21.”
“When will it stop?”
“You need to move out as soon as you can and set firm boundaries.”- EmmaandMax
“NTA.”
“It seems as if you need to move out of their home, completely.”
“That is the only way that they will accept that you’re an adult and not subject to their discipline.”-
Individual_Ad_9213
“NTA.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty for sneaking out, you’re a grown adult there’s no reason for them to treat you like that and punish you like you’re an immature child and not treat your brother the same way.”- Loki__15
“NTA.”
“First of all, get rid of the guilt.”
“Drop it, step on it, bury it.”
“You have nothing to feel bad about.”
“Your parents are sexist, controlling AHs.”
“Second, do what you need to do to be safe, that could be playing all apologetic, contrite, etc. or arranging to stay with friends and ditching the parents.”
“Being safe is important.”
“Finally, plan your escape.”
“Save money – you are 21 and can open your own bank account (at least in the states).”
“Make sure it is not at your parents’ bank and make all statements/messages electronic so you don’t get a statement mailed home.”
“Survival is the first thing, getting out of the situation is second.”
“But, if staying ever becomes dangerous, leaving becomes primary.”- fellfire
“NTA.”
“And you aren’t sneaking out, you are 21, meaning an adult who can leave whenever they want and doesn’t have to answer questions.”
“Sneaking out only applies if you are under 18.”- No_Hurry9076
“NTA.”
“Lol grounded at 21, more like flying out soon.”- Hexas87
“NTA.”
“You really need to find a permanent place to live.”- 3bag
“Can you move out to an aunt, grandparents or another family?”
“How about to a dorm?”
“NTA at 21yo, they are crossing the line.”
“Show them this post.”
“Maybe also ask for family therapy?”- Ok-Listen-8519
“NTA at all.”
“If they aren’t reasonable, then you can’t use reason.”
“You have to use actions instead.”
“Nothing changes without action on your part.”
“Since they don’t want anything to change, they’re going to do whatever they can to keep you under their thumb.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”
“But at the same time, you do have to play the long game to make sure you have a place to live until you have the money to live on your own.”- Parasamgate
“Can you afford to live on your own?”
“You are probably right about their sexist motivations (do they adhere to a strict religion?) and are NTA overall but you live in their house.”
“If they financially support you, then they have a say over you.”
“Assuming you are almost done with school and can’t afford to support yourself while doing that.”
“Bite the bullet, apologize, keep your head down until you graduate (less than 9 months?), and save the money you would have used to go out in an account your parents don’t have access to.”
“I know it seems like the end of the world to not socialize like an adult, but it is temporary with a goal – graduation, then moving out.”
“Cut contact once you go, if they ask why, point to this incident as the straw.”- Jealous-Contract7426
“NTA.”
“Make an exit plan, make sure you have all the official documents you need, and get the hell out of that house.”- Wonderful_Two_6710
“Smacks of sexism.”
“NTA, and stay away.”
“Consider lower contact.”- oneblackened
“NTA.”
“I used to live this life.”
“My little brother could get away with anything and my sister and I hated it.”
“So she moved away for school without their help or approval, and I moved from Florida to Colorado with my then-boyfriend, now husband.”
“Life couldn’t be better.”
“Hang in there and don’t cave and go back.”- Outrageous_Ad_3611
“NTA.”
“Girl, you’re 21, you didn’t ‘sneak out’.”
“Your parents are sexist, and clearly they don’t see it if you told them, and they still cried about embarrassing the family.”
“They embarrassed themselves by trying to ground a whole adult.”- PaladinHeir
The OP and her brother are both legally adults.
The fundamental difference between them, however, is their gender.
The difference one can safely assume is why her parents treat the two of them so differently.
As is often the case in these situations, the OP is the last person in this scenario who should be feeling anything close to guilty.