As a Gen-Xer, youth activities were sparse in my childhood.
From that perspective, the number of after school and weekend activities has exploded in the last few decades.
One of the biggest additions is youth sports—especially soccer and t-ball where kids can start as early as 3-4 years old.
A mother overwhelmed by the idea of her 4-year-old partaking in weekend youth activities turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SingerDue4540 asked:
"AITA for not wanting my 4-year-old daughter to join a soccer team simply because I don't want to get up early every Saturday?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband has said he thinks I'm being selfish and I am. But I am being strategic here."
"I'm a mom of two 4 and under. Currently 5 months pregnant. I'm a kindergarten teacher and I have narcolepsy….so needless to say I'm tired all the time."
"Saturday is the one day in my week where there are no set plans and I like it that way. Why do I need to ruin the one day I get to choose what I want to do, just so my 4-year-old who probably won't know what she is missing can go play a sport she probably isn't ready to play anyway?"
"She has years to pick up a hobby/extracurricular. I just don't see the point right now other than to stress me out even more than I already am."
"Point blank, I'm just tired and don't want to, so I can't even say it's not selfish, but we are allowed to be selfish on some things and I feel justified because I'm at my personal capacity."
"My husband won't even be able to help with every game because he sometimes works weekend, so no, I'm not interested in putting my kids in sports right now because I will likely flake on those days he works."
"Also we live in a very hot state. I have zero interest in spending more time outside than I have to."
"My daughter is super flip floppy, so she says she likes something and then will move on quickly. With swimming that's a necessity. Dance is not necessary, but something she genuinely tries to do everyday and has consistently done."
"Soccer is something her dad has suggested to her, so I'm not sure if she is just going along with it or if she is genuinely interested."
"My husband's reasoning is he wants her to be athletic and mostly that she will make friends and have fun socializing. I'd rather help her socialize through play dates, not a weekly commitment to be on a team."
"My in-laws have made it clear they agree that it would be good for her and I'm being unfair. My family thinks it's not that important right now at 4, but say she would have fun."
"So what do you think? AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I find a culture that requires kids to start at 4 or they'll never be able to play later to be toxic from the start. Not that there's anything wrong with competition, but children should be given many chances to participate."
"The only kids who get ahead in that system aren't those who deserve it, but those whose parents were well off enough for them to participate at such young ages."
"I'm not athletic at all, so maybe I'm biased. But I can also say my daughter's run alone signifies that she may take after me more than her father. She can't run with any speed to save her life."
"So I'm not expecting her to go pro at anything, nor do I really want her to. She's 4! She should be able to just have fun with zero pressure on her future success."
"It's insane the way we have treated athletics and kids. I would say it's more toxic than helpful for many kids. Also, some kids resent being made to go to all these sports."
"I had a kindergartener a few years ago break down crying because his parents kept him so busy after school and on weekends, and all he wanted to do was rest at home. He said he barely had time in the day to even drink water."
"That's sad! I'm not doing that to my kid for some tiny chance she goes pro. I just want her to learn some structure and have fun, that's it."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I don't want to enroll my daughter in team sports at school because I'm a tired mom and don't feel like roasting in the Texas sun on Saturday mornings, and everyone around me thinks I'm being selfish to keep her from her friends."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If the in-laws think soccer is so important, they can volunteer to drive her to and from her games + practices. Problem solved! NTA." ~ swiftiebookworm22
"The people who are emotionally attached to her participating are the ones who need to be responsible for it."
"She's 4. She's not the one who cares. There are plenty of ways for her to be active and socialize. It's not exclusive to soccer on Saturdays."
"There will be plenty of opportunities for sports in the future that don't involve you sacrificing your mental health and well-being. Time for you is important too." ~ bandgeek_babe
"Having coached the under-5s soccer team last year because there was no one else and my niece was on the team (I was the only spectator who actually knew the rules and had an active Working With Children's check) - this is entirely accurate."
"Most of the kids were more concerned with finding four-leaf clovers or looking at butterflies. You had to set them up where the ball might bounce off one of them into the goal."
"It was basically playing pinball with preschoolers. Not one game went by without three kids crying. More than once a kid laid down and fell asleep on the pitch." ~ goshyarnit
"Ordinary, active, outdoor play should be totally adequate. As a kinder teacher, you know if she is the sort of 4 year old who wants, needs, or requires the imposed structure and discipline of organised sport."
"Also, as a kinder teacher, relish your Saturdays. You deserve it, and you've earned it. Young kids should really want to play sports, not be forced or expected to. That might change, depending on the individual, a few years down the track." ~ belindahk
"4 seems very young to join an organised sport like this. I think the husband may be getting ahead of himself."
"I know it's only for fun, not a serious thing, but in my area most kids need to be at least 5 to join anything like this, because they just don't have the attention span for it."
"In some clubs I'm in, an exception might be able to be made if a kid has an older sibling or parent who's also involved in the club, or present. But honestly, they do seem to lose interest after about 20 mins even then. Waiting a year or two is usually just the better move."
"There are activities and groups that would suit a 4-year-old much better, I imagine. And OP could keep their Saturday routine." ~ Tikithing
"I agree with the attention span thing. I was in soccer when I was around that age, and if there was a park nearby, I was leaving the field and going to play in the park, even if we were in the middle of a game and not a practice."
"I also only wanted to be in soccer because my older brother was, and they got orange slices, and my 4-year-old brain thought you could only have orange slices if you played soccer." ~ thatclassyturtle
The OP provided an update:
"My daughter has been enrolled in soccer. Believe it or not, I actually have a very supportive village, including my in-laws and husband."
"Maybe I'm selfish but it is because I know of if I burn out I will not be a good mother, teacher, wife, or person."
"Everyone needs rest and time for themselves. If that makes me selfish, then oh well, I'm unashamedly selfish."
"I love my children more than anything in the world. But I have needs too and they need to understand others have needs too. It's a good thing to say no sometimes."
"I also clean house and Saturday's and know of if I get up and leave the house early I will find other things in town to do and never come home to clean."
"My children need a clean home to live in more than extracurricular activities. However, I am giving this a try and will continue letting her do soccer if she likes it and if it works for the whole family."
It seems like OP found a solution that satisfies her needs as well as her husband's and her in-laws wants. Kudos to them for stepping up instead of putting it all on OP.
Hopefully it works as planned.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp