No two parents have the same view of childcare.
Some parents never let their eyes leave their child under any situation, so worried are they that their child might be harmed.
Others are a bit less hands on, always ensuring their child is out of harm’s way, but feeling secure enough to look away, or even go into another room.
When two parents with these differing views of parenting have these different parenting styles, it can occasionally lead to a less than harmonious home life.
Redditor Altruistic-Pickle-13 had a more easy going view of childcare.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)’s wife was not thrilled with their parenting methods, and made her displeasure known.
Resulting in some choice words from the OP.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for the way I look after my son?”
The OP explained how their parenting methods caused friction with their wife:
“I told my wife today that she treats me like ‘the babysitter she doesn’t trust’.”
“We have a 5-year-old son who has way more energy than either of us.”
“My wife puts a lot of effort into keeping him entertained, while I try to teach him to entertain himself by setting reasonable boundaries.”
“I work from home about 60 hours a week, so sometimes I’ll set him up with something and then get back to work.”
“He often hovers near me, and about once a week I’ll watch a short YouTube video with him (planes, trains, trucks; typical 5-year-old stuff).”
“My wife has a strict no-screen policy, which I mostly agree with.”
“I don’t believe in daily ‘screen time’,” but I think the occasional youtube video is harmless if he’s behaved and just wants a short break with me while I’m working.”
“I also take him out a couple times a week for longer activities: hiking, swimming, football, etc.”
“My wife stays home full-time, so she spends many more hours with him and is understandably frustrated by how demanding he can be.”
“But when she gets home she often asks, ‘What did you do with him today?'”
“In a way that feels like a trap.”
“She regularly asks if we watched videos.”
“Today I lost my temper.”
“I said f*ck you and walked out fuming.”
“We hadn’t watched any videos, we worked on his behavior and played a board game.”
“But she kept pressing, and I snapped.”
“I think I’ve been holding a lot in, and her questioning just broke through my calm.”
“And I am not allowed to broach the question with her — she becomes hostile and just repeats that she has a zero tolerance policy when I ask to talk about it.”
“Am I the a-hole for the way that I parent, or for getting mad about being called out on it?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not the OP was the a**hole.
Some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or their wife, feeling the OP’s wife was being overtly critical of their parenting choices, but that the OP treated their wife very poorly as well:
“Too much missing information, but I’m landing on ESH.”
“You cannot care for a child while working, but she expects this (she is a TA).”
“You and your wife have aligned on a no-screens policy that you are violating.YTA.”
“From this post, it sounds like you spend the bare minimum time with your son when you are not working?”
“Unfortunately, today was a day you spent with your son while not working, but your wife didn’t believe you because of your past actions, and you argued.”
“Y’all need to sit down and have a conversation about when you will and won’t spend time with son.”
“And if your wife needs time without him, this is the perfect age for school to start.”-AnyProgram8084
“The main issue here is that your communication with your wife sucks.”
“Y’all are both aware that you don’t agree with her expectations… so conflict is expected and a regular occurrence.”
“Things usually get to this point because one or both of y’all suck at conflict resolution- so you’ve formed a habit of dealing with the fallout of mismatched expectations rather than even trying to work out compromises.”
“You need to sit down with her and get on the same page.”
“Your son is the one suffering because neither of you wants to be a responsible adults who solve problems rather than letting them fester.”
“ESH.”- 1568314
“I think ESH.”
“No screens till 13 seems really excessive.”
“I think there should be some kind of compromise, since you and your wife feel differently about it and you’re both the parents.”
“I do understand some concerns about screen use, but IT skills will be an important part of his education and employment in the future so he will be at a disadvantage if he doesn’t get to learn them till he is a teenager, unlike his peers.”
“And he can’t watch TV at all not even educational programs or documentaries?”
“It’s not all brainrot.”
“But I think that you need to address the issue instead of saying you’ll go along with it and then going against it and then getting upset when she asks about it and swearing at her.”
“Sounds like a lot of frustration has built up from a lack of communication.”
“Maybe consider couples counseling.”- theficklemermaid
While others didn’t think either the OP or their wife were a**holes, feeling both were justified in their behavior and need to find common ground:
“NAH, but you and the wife need to talk and get on the same page.”
“It’s good you acknowledge her frustration, I also agree that the occasional video won’t hurt, but you may be missing a deeper thing she’s struggling with: a desire to be the ‘perfect’ mom.”
“Some of that may be internally motivated, some may be expectations imposed by family, friends, media, but it sounds like she has an idea in her head of the ‘right’ way to parent.”
“I’m betting this is your first/only child, right?”
“And unlike you, she doesn’t have another job; the child is her job.”
“Also, is your child in kindergarten or have you discussed that option?”
“It’s be a great opportunity for him to socialize for you and for you and your wife to get other perspectives from other parents and educators.”- Live_Pressure_5432
While others felt the OP was justified in their anger, agreeing their wife deserved to be taken down a peg or two, even if they felt they could have been more diplomatic.
“NTA.”
“He is 5, not 2.”
“A few minutes of video of things he likes once a week is not harmful at this age.”
“Especially if the two of you discuss about the content of the video.”
“There’s a difference between this and just giving him a phone to watch TikTok in order to distract him.”
“Also, I’m curious what your wife considers to be the appropriate age for a child to start using tech.”
“Has she considered that children do need to know how to use a computer at a certain point?”
“That they will most likely need to use one for school?”
“Also children SHOULD sometimes get bored!”
“It helps teach them patience, and it makes them able to rely on themselves to be entertained; they use their imagination, etc.”
“I simply don’t understand why one of you has to always keep him company.”
“And I also think it would be beneficial at his age to be at kindergarten – is this the case or is he at home all day with the two of you?”- 3CatsAndAPiggy
“NTA.”
“I am very much in the no parking child in front of a screen camp, but what you described seems perfectly reasonable for a 5 y.o.”
“Most importantly: you are a parent as well!”
“You guys should sit down and set guidelines consistent with both your values, needs, and schedules.”
“Example: just 15 min YouTube a day, or just one dessert a day, or no roughhousing after 6.”
“After that every parent should uphold the rules as best they can, no control needed.”- cyclingalex
“NTA.”
“It is important to teach a child to entertain themselves.”- TouristOld8415
The OP later returned with an update, sharing a discussion they had with their wife and where things currently stood between them:
“I spoke to my wife once and she got defensive, but suggested we go out for coffee this morning, and during coffee we discussed it.”
“She didn’t agree with my method but accepted it, and I told her that I’m open to ideas if she wants to propose something different.”
“So that’s progress.”
What ultimately matters is that the OP’s child was safe and happy.
Even if it’s not exactly unreasonable for the OP’s wife to have opinions regarding the dos and don’ts with their son.
Nor did the OP necessarily need to use their choice of words towards their wife.
Thankfully, based on their recent discussion, it looks like there is a happy path forward toward parenting.