The best thing about having a friend is the ability to be candid with them.
That we can share our honesty, unadulterated opinions with them, without a lick of judgement.
That being said, sometimes we may realize too late that we don’t know our friends quite as well as we think we do.
And as such, our candid opinion on some things might shock them or rub them the wrong way.
Redditor Zealousideal_Pen8983 was recently enjoying a candid conversation with a close friend.
When the topic shifted towards being about the original poster (OP)’s mother, the OP was less than appreciative of what their friend had to say.
And the OP did not hide her unhappiness with her friend’s remarks.
After their friend accused them of being too “reactive”, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for being upset that my friend essentially called my mom a bad person for looking older than her age?”
The OP explained why they found themselves at odds with their friends:
“My friend (18 F[emale]) came to my house for a spa day.”
“As my mom was bringing us popcorn and face masks, my friend started talking about how she believes people’s insides begin to match their outsides in middle and old age.”
“She said wrinkles are the result of frowning and holding your face in negative expressions, so if you look older than your age, it’s typically due to living a life of negativity and hate.”
“Right as my mom walked away, she asked me, ‘How old is your mom?’”
“I answered and she said ‘she looks much older’.”
“‘Her glabellar lines and age spots seem more like those of a woman in her sixties’.”
“I said ‘are you calling my mom a b*tch because she has wrinkles?’”
“She said no, that it’s just an observation.”
“I said my mom has survived several life-threatening illnesses in the past ten years, which tends to affect the appearance, and that I find her comments disgusting.”
“She said I need to calm down because it’s not that deep, and that it’s hard being friends with me because I’m so reactive.”
“AITA for thinking she’s calling my mom a bad person?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for calling out their friend.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to call out her friend, agreeing that not only were their friend’s comments insensitive, but also ageist:
“NTA.”
“Your friend’s a rude child.”
“Well done for speaking up for your mum.”
“Keep doing that.”- Ma-Hu
“NTA.”
“Your friend is a shallow person who only sees people’s outward appearance.”
“On top of badmouthing your mom, she also minimized your reaction.”
“Pretty unpleasant person to be around if you ask me.”- No-Tie-526
“NTA.”
“How do you get to be 18 years old and believe sh*t like that?”- Linkcott18
“NTA.”
“Your mom made you guys snacks, and she repaid her by insulting her appearance behind her back.”
“Then she tried to gaslight you.”
“Your mom will always be a beautiful person because she survived these illnesses, cares for others and supports you.”
“Your friend is ugly because she is manipulative and rude. It is only going to get worse.”
“Dump her as a friend.”- WelderOk9617
“NTA.”
“She actually finds it hard to be friends with you because you hold.”
“She’s accountable for the things she says.”- JustSort6370
“NTA.”
“If someone said something like that about my Mom – especially when she’s had a stressful time and challenging health issues – they would be an ex-friend so fast their head would spin.”
“Your ‘friend’ is rude and your Mom doesn’t deserve that when all she’s been is kind.”-SleepDeprivedMummy
“NTA.”
“Tell your ‘friend’ that she has the personality of a disease, so she’s gonna look ugly very young if she doesn’t change her tune.”
“And BTW, smiling and laughing gives wrinkles.”
“They’re literally called ‘laughter lines’ so your friend is full of sh*t and either incredibly dumb or seems to be making a pointed jab at your mom.”
“Send your friend this post thread.”
“Might wake her up a bit.”- unicornhair1991
“NTA.”
“Give your friend a few years and see how she looks.”
“Then she can comment.”
“Saying that about your mother was rude, so good for you for pushing back.”- RevRos
“NTA.”
“Kick that ‘friend’ and her judgmental attitude to the curb.”
“She disrespected your mom in her own home.”
“Girl needs to keep her mouth shut and keep her nastiness to herself.”
“She may have been there for a spa day, but she brought her ugly attitude with her.”-Radiant_Ad_9912
“NTA.”
“She is ageist, judgmental, and spouting things she knows very little about.”- ServelanDarrow
“NTA.”
“I sure as Hell hope your mother didn’t hear that.”
“Due to health reasons, I’ve probably aged 10 years in two.”
“To hear someone say something like I must be a hateful/hate-filled, unhappy person would be devastating, as nothing is further from the truth.”
“You need to drop this shallow friend.”- Shadow4summer
“‘It’s not that deep’.”
“Girl, you’re the one saying if you look old early, it’s only because you’re mean and hateful.”
“Not anyone else’s fault, you were dumb and forgot stress and medical conditions exist, lmao.”
“NTA, and my petty ass would start asking if she has a weird mascara line at the edge of her eyes, or is it the start of crows’ feet.”
“I cannot stand people who assume wrinkles and/or white hair mean that a woman is less-than.”
“They never say this shit about men, too.”- Donequis
“NTA.”
“Good job for speaking up for your mom.”
“Honestl,y that ‘observation’ was so uncalled for and sounds like your friend read it somewhere and made that their whole personality.”- Pseudonymous_Alien
“NTA.”
“You’ll find that if you decide to be just as rude about your friend’s mum, all of a sudden your friend will be upset and would be annoyed if you brushed it off as not that deep.”
“Sometimes people like this need a mirror in order to see what’s wrong.”
“Other times they’re just arseholes and not really your friend.”
“It’s up to you to figure out which it is, but it’s better to do it sooner rather than later.”-HungryTeap0t
“NTA.”
“Your friend has a lot to learn about life and the people living it.”
“I hope your mom is doing well now.”- PrairieGrrl5263
“NTA.”
“You’re not ‘too reactive’.”
“You’re reacting perfectly normal for this situation.”
“If someone looked at my grandma and told me, ‘Yeah, she looks a lot older than she actually is’, right after telling me that a person’s true nature starts showing later in life, that person would be getting dropped immediately.”- maybebaebea
“NTA.”
“If she starts that again, you might want to remind her that by her own guidelines she can expect to be staring at warts and wrinkles before she’s 35.”- FloatingPencil
“NTA.”
“She’s right it’s not that deep – she’s just a sh*tty human being.”
“Time to find friends who don’t insult people for their appearance.”- Gloomy_Ruminant
“NTA it obviously is that deep if she feels the need to preach such rubbish.”
“As a mum who has gone through two very hard surgeries this year, if my kids had a friend who said this to them they’d be exactly the same as you OP.”
“And the friend would be an ex-friend.”
“So good for you for sticking up for your mum.”
“Your mum has raised a wonderful daughter with you, so don’t change.”
“Love to your mum and glad she has made it through.”
“So what if she has a few wrinkles? They’re all part of our journey through life.”
“I have a fair few scars now and I don’t mind them at all, I’m quite proud of them.”
“Without them, I most probably wouldn’t still be here.”- Floofieunderpants
“NTA but you need a new friend.”- Jdawn82
“Your friend is misinformed.”
“She got a stupid theory from some dimwitted influencer and considers it Gospel.”
“NTA, take her ‘advice’ with a truckload of salt.”- Low-Television-7508
“NTA, although I‘m not 100% sure whether your friend is just a plain old AH or also tremendously stupid.”
“I hope your mom didn’t hear how rude this AH was – first by speaking condescendingly about your mother and then by doubling down on her rudeness and even trying to turn it on you by pretending you’re overreacting.”
“I also hope spa day was cancelled for this AH and you threw her out straight away.”
“Once and for all.”
“It’s certainly not you who’s hard to be friends with.”- RiverSong_777
It’s entirely possible that the OP’s friend didn’t entirely mean what she said, and this was just another one of those unfortunate cases of speaking before thinking.
Even so, the OP was doing this friend a favor by telling her how her remarks came off.
Hopefully leading this friend to keep some of her thoughts and ideas to herself going forward…