Even in this day and age, a person’s coming-out is a very private matter.
There are still a lot of homophobic people in the world.
So the coming-out process can still be delicate to navigate.
There can be a lot of missteps along the way.
Some parents don’t learn as quickly.
Redditor PeanutTraditional555 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my houseguest about my son?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (38 M[ale]) live with my son (20 M).”
“His mom is not in the picture, and I have no other children.”
“Last year, my son came out as gay.”
“While it was not something I am familiar with, I of course accepted him because he’s my son and I love him.”
“It was surprising because my son typically presents as very masculine and was very athletic and into sports growing up, and still is. “
“I apologize if that’s not P[olitically] C[orrect] to say I’m still learning, but it is important to this story.”
“When my son came out to me, I asked how open he wanted to be with it, and he said it’s not a secret, and anyone can know.”
“I’ve casually mentioned to other people that my son is gay, and he’s never had an issue with it.”
“About a month ago, my friend (40 M) asked me if his son (22 M) could live with us for a while.”
“He started grad school, and my house is close to the school.”
“I’m very close to my friend, and his son is like a nephew to me, but our sons have only met a few times (my friend moved to the other side of the country when his son was 5).”
“I was worried it would be weird for my friend’s son, but he got very comfortable right away, almost too comfortable.”
“I found that he was very comfortable being at home wearing nothing but skivvies, which I would never do in someone else’s house, but maybe this generation is different.”
“I’ve always been on sports teams and in this kind of culture, so it didn’t bother me, but it occurred to me that he might not know my son is gay and might not be doing this if he did know.”
“I tried to bring it up in a way that I thought was subtle (I mentioned a date my son went on and kept saying ‘he’) to my friend’s son, and I guess he got the hint.”
“He started being dressed more, especially when my son’s home.”
“One day, he mentioned my son being gay, and my son asked him how he knew.”
“He said I told him.”
“My son privately came to me and asked if I told our houseguest about him being gay, so he’d wear more clothes.”
“I said he deserved to know so he could decide if he felt comfortable doing that, and it seems like he isn’t.”
“My son got mad and said we were being homophobic.”
“I asked if anything else had changed between them besides him wearing more than underwear (he and my son have been bonding), and my son admitted no.”
“I told him that if he is this upset about our houseguest wearing clothes, I clearly did the right thing by telling him.”
“My son is calling me the AH, but I don’t think I did anything wrong.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA, why are you treating your son so weirdly?”
“Like some sort of sexual beast?”
“He isn’t gonna be after every guy ever.”
“You are being homophobic.” ~ BluenaSnowey
“Sorry, but YTA.”
“Just because your son is gay doesn’t mean he’s some deviant that can’t control himself around men.”
“The fact that you’re thinking SO much about this whole thing is quite unusual.”
“I’m not sure why you are so obsessed with making your son’s sexuality such a focal point.”
“You really need to figure out a way to stop having that subconsciously define to you who you think your son is.” ~ slackerchic
“I don’t think the issue is that your son is gay.”
“I think the issue is that you conveyed to your friend’s son that he should feel unsafe in the home dressing as he pleases because your son is gay.”
“You weren’t telling the kid your son was gay; you were warning him, and that’s the problem.”
“You are doing what many people do, confusing gay people with criminals.”
“Your son is gay, and unless you’ve left something out, he’s not a criminal.”
“Did you think he might blindly attack the man because he was partially unclothed?”
“Quick edit to say the second paragraph was maybe harsher than it should be.”
“Don’t default to internalized aggressions.”
“Acknowledge them and understand why your son is upset.” ~ Caliopebookworm
“I mean, this could be read that he was worried his son would come on to the houseguest, but I read it more as information so he could make an informed decision knowing how he might be viewed.”
“I dress differently if I’m hanging out with lesbians vs straight girls, and I dress very differently around my gay guy friends and straight guy friends because I know that I’ll be perceived differently.”
“It’s not because I’m worried about assault, it’s just information about how I will be viewed and looked at.” ~ Responsible-Chair-25
“Personally, I would have told the young man he needs to be clothed when he comes out of his room, that it is not respectful to you to run around in just his underwear.”
“Nothing to do with your son or his sexual preference.” ~ Sweet-Necessary3257
“To be fair, homophobes are usually worried that gay men will treat them the same way straight men treat women.”
“Same thing with the whole ‘It doesn’t bother me as long as they don’t hit on me.'”
“As though they are even attractive enough in any regard.”
“Definitely YTA, but maybe his son will make it big someday by telling the stories of growing up with a homophobic father.” ~ TARDISkitty
“YTA. Rather than scapegoating your son, you could have told your house guest that he needed to stop wandering around in his underwear and put on some clothes.” ~ naranghim
“You’re not the ahole for telling him your son’s gay, YTA for implying he’s a sexual predator who your houseguest shouldn’t feel safe around.” ~ a_fictionalcharacter
“Oh, no, still YTA for outing the son when he had not done so himself.”
“How did he know (or did he even consider) that the guest was a safe person to inform?”
“What if they were homophobic?”
“What if the son was out to the dad but not to friends yet?”
“It is up to the individual as to when or even whether they disclose.” ~ Wooden-Helicopter-
“YTA… you used your son’s sexuality to correct someone else’s behaviour you found uncomfortable, whether you admit that or not.”
“You went out of your way to make someone feel uncomfortable around your son.”
“That’s pretty awful.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“YTA. The problem is not that you told your guest that your son is gay.”
“The problem is that you didn’t want to tell the guest that you have a problem with their lack of clothing, and decided to use your son as a prop to that effect, hoping that the guest would be creeped out.”
“Perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t see myself ever using my son as a threatening element towards a guest, when I could just have a conversation with them like a proper adult.”
“And you didn’t even clear that plan with your son beforehand…” ~ Naiinsky
“No one ‘deserves’ to know someone else’s sexuality.”
“Also, you’re weird to turn this around on your son like he was somehow being creepy towards your guest, which is EXTREMELY inappropriate.”
“If the only reason you mentioned it was the level of clothing the guest was wearing, then yeah, you’re being weird, but those two comments solidly make it YTA.” ~ Objective_Air8976
“YTA. What I’m reading here is that you were uncomfortable with how relaxed your houseguest was, so you used your son’s sexuality to get your houseguest to wear more clothes.”
“Considering you also implied you thought all men were predators in another comment about a hypothetical straight son and a woman houseguest, I think you might have deeper issues.” ~ lord_wigglesworth
“YTA and stereotyping your son.”
“Many gay men are both athletic and into sports; some even play for national and major league sports.”
“It’s so weird that you think the second he said he was gay, his normal hobbies and routines would stop.”
“You really need to sit with yourself and do more reconciliation on your feelings before you start telling people about your son’s sexual orientation.” ~ starwyo
“YTA, but I hope in the ‘I’m trying to learn/challenge my own biases so that I will be less of an AH moving forward’ kind of way.”
“Because, honestly, most straight people who have grown up in heteronormative cultures have been there.”
“It’s not an excuse to STAY there, though.”
“It’s a call to action.”
“You didn’t mention checking with your son to see if HE was comfortable with someone else moving into his home!?!?”
“So… you kind of just sold him out, prioritized someone else’s child, and acted like your son has predatory tendencies because he’s gay.”
“It doesn’t matter if that was your intention; that seems to have been your impact.” ~ StrategyDouble4177
“YTA 100%.”
“You framed your son’s gayness as being predatory and insinuated that because he’s gay, he is automatically sexualizing your friend’s son, and that’s not only homophobic but very presumptuous.”
“You made your guest and your son uncomfortable because you are still early in your journey in understanding your own biases against gay men.”
“FYI, being gay does not = attracted to all men.”
“Even if your son was attracted to him, you implied his character was depraved and damaged all of your relationships.”
“Sad for both young men.” ~ C*ntasaurus_wrecks
Reddit is not with you, OP.
It sounds like you have a lot to learn.
Just telling your houseguest flat out, without the hinting and baiting, probably would’ve been more helpful.
It may be time for a serious, sincere chat between the three of you.
Good Luck.