Not all parents of the bride are helpful when planning a wedding.
Sometimes they just can’t help but voice negativity.
A wedding is a very special time for a bride.
So positivity and joy are what most brides hope to get from loved ones.
But joy isn’t always a guarantee.
Redditor AshleyR9879 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITAH for purchasing my wedding dress without my mom?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITAH for buying my wedding dress without my mom?”
“I, 35 F[emale], had my aunt in town to do a late birthday celebration.”
“We decided to go look at wedding dresses and had planned it out 3 weeks in advance.”
“Side note is this is my second wedding as well as my fiancé’s, it’s going to be very small.”
“I’m plus-sized, and my mom is tiny, like a size 2 and very judgmental about my body and clothes.”
“Regardless, I’ve tried to include or keep her updated with wedding plans as we make them, but she’s kinda been a downer on everything from colors to location to invite list.”
“Anyway, regardless of everything, I invited my mom right away to join us as I felt most moms would want to be there to pick out the dress, and she declined.”
“2 weeks out, I invited my mom again, and again she declined.”
“A week out, I invited her again, and you guessed it, she declines.”
“This proceeded to occur all the way up to the night before. Week of, I invited her no less than 7 times, and her reasoning for declining ranged from ‘you never know what will happen’, ‘your wedding isn’t til next year’ (less than 11 months), to ‘Oh, I have plans at 3, so I don’t think I’ll make it in time.'”
“The first appointment was at 10 am and 45 minutes away from her house.”
“Mom calls me the night before and says, ‘Just don’t buy anything.'”
“I informed her I’m not making that promise, as if I find the perfect dress, I’ll go ahead and get it.”
“I ask her one last time, and she declines the invitation again.”
“So my aunt and I go to the first appointment and find THE dress.”
“Yes, I tried on about 30 in various styles, materials, etc, but I loved this one.”
“It was double my budget, but the shop decided to give it to me half off because they were just so nice, and my aunt decided to pay for it and all the accessories as a surprise.”
“I said we should at least FaceTime my mom and show it to her.”
“We did, and she was like ‘Eh, keep it as an option, but I don’t know.'”
“My aunt jumped in and said, ‘No, we’re informing you that this is the dress we purchased and thought you’d like to see it.'”
“Now my mom’s upset I didn’t take her with me to see the dress first.”
“She’s also jealous I took my aunt (from out of state) to see the venue.”
“Keep in mind we’ve had this venue booked for nearly a year, and my parents live less than an hour from it and have declined every invite thus far.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITAH for not waiting to buy my wedding dress before my mom could come see it in person?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I think you might need to stop including your mother.”
“You spent most of the time you should have been excited about looking for a dress, following up with someone who is not only acting disinterested but trying to rain on your parade.”
“I think this is a one invite (and more of a telling her you are doing this) and then keep it moving.”
“I am sorry your mom is being annoying, but I am glad you got your dress at half price, and your aunt was able to cover it!” ~ Gigi-lily
“Oh no, I got exhausted just reading how many times you repeated that you invited your mom despite her refusal.”
“You shouldn’t do that to yourself.”
“Your mom acts as if she’s the most important person in your life, the main character, princess of all princesses, and you’re actively cooperating.”
“She disrespects you, your body, your wedding, your dress – please stand up for yourself and stop being the enabler.”
“She won’t change; she thrives on refusing, and by asking her again and again, you’re just giving her power over yourself.”
“If she makes you miserable, why would you even want to invite her?”
“She declined your invitation so many times, and now she is upset that you made your choice without her royal blessing?”
“Please, see how childish, unreasonable, and laughable it is.”
“Aren’t you tired of this?”
“You’re 35 – I’m sure she’s been behaving like that for years!”
“Your aunt is your M[ost] V[aulable] P[layer] here – stick with the people who actually support and love you; you’re lucky to have them.”
“They will make you feel better.”
“NTA. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!” ~ gravitational_lens
“I’d recommend that at the actual wedding, you have your aunt help you dress and get ready, instead of Mom, if you want to walk down the aisle happy and with confidence.”
“NTA. I’m really happy you had a great experience 🩷.” ~ Only-Ingenuity7889
“It seems like it is time to inform your mother that this wedding IS happening.”
“It is not optional, she cannot delay or stall to make it not happen, you WILL be pursuing your happiness, regardless of her opinions on it, and she can either get on board and be happy and involved or step out of your way, but you will not be placating her and whatever tantrum she is going through. NTA.” ~ littlerubygloom
“NTA, but is there some kind of history with your mom where she said no to something and then was mad when you didn’t include her?”
“Otherwise, I don’t understand why you’d invite someone so many times.”
“The first ‘no’ should be it.”
“Maybe tell her when the appointment is and that she is welcome to join if it works for her, but asking over and over again seems weird.”
“If you accept the first no, she’ll have to learn that she needs to show up if she wants to be a part of something.” ~ SweetNothings12
“NTA at all.”
“Wow, your mom is really trying to throw a wrench into the works of getting ready for this wedding!”
“Who knows why she’s trying to hinder the process and make things harder for you, but I would go forward with fewer invites and reassurances she’s welcome to her, and more taking care of what you and your fiancé need.” ~ That_Bee_Baker
“I think you handled the situation well, and there is nothing for you to feel bad about here.”
“That being said, for your own sake, think about how much contact you want with your mom about your wedding and life in general.”
“Would you have been happier if you and your aunt had gone, picked out the dress, and had a fun day together without having to consider what you told your mom?”
“You can offer kindness and intimacy to people, but that won’t make them behave better towards you if you know they are already lacking in emotional support/maturity.”
“That’s something only they can control, and unfortunately, it’s hard for selfish people to change.”
“You are allowed to have space between you and your mother (if that is something you think would bring you more peace), and you would not be a ‘bad daughter’ for doing so.”
“NTA, and I hope you have a wonderful wedding.” ~ Internal_Equivalent
“From the title, I was so ready to jump to AH; my mom is deceased, and I would have given anything to be able to have her with me when I chose my gown, so it was an emotional reaction.”
“Reading this and seeing how many times you reached out to include her mom shows that the only AH here is your mom. NTA.” ~ Accomplished-Pea5539
“NTA having relatives, especially mothers, going to dress shopping is optional.”
“Some want to include their family in their choices, some just want to pick what they like without someone trying to tell them it’s not their style.”
“It’s YOUR wedding, she already had her options and opportunity back then.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. I’m sorry your mother is so awful and treats you that way.”
“I could never do that to my children.”
“I would put her on an information diet, only give her details you want to, feel no obligation to include her, and lean into the people who prioritize you in their lives.”
“Best wishes for your wedding and marriage!” ~ BloomNurseRN
“NTA. Personally would have your aunt in the traditional mother of the bride role for your wedding.”
“If your mum refused to go wedding dress shopping seven times, she cannot expect you to keep delaying making the important decisions because she is not there.”
“Does she not realise if she keeps up her behavior, she may not want to attend the wedding as the speeches are going to brutal for her.” ~ Acceptable-Net-154
“Congratulations on your wedding and on finding your dress.”
“Is it an option to uninvite your mom to the wedding???”
“She’s totally self-absorbed.” ~ Plastic-Designer-580
“It sounds like you bent over backwards to include her, and she declined.”
“Now she has regrets and is trying to make them your problem. NTA.” ~ elpislazuli
“NTA, I’m so glad you have a mother figure who loves you as you are.” ~ actualchristmastree
“NTA. The woman had her chance and rejected you.”
“She doesn’t get to be hurt for not showing up.” ~ _Internet_Hugs_
“NTA. Never in a million years.”
“I’m sorry your mom is like this.” ~ SunnyAndRainyOutside
“NTA, you will never please your mother.”
“She seems to enjoy playing the victim while setting herself up in the role.” ~ Zealousideal_Call183
“NTA. If your mom wanted to be involved or cared about your wedding, she would.” ~ Anxious-Routine-5526
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your mom sounds like a downer.
You deserve better treatment.
Don’t let her spoil your happiness.
Good luck and congratulations!