No one likes a gossip.
Even if we all must admit that we participated in idle gossip at least once in our lives, it’s never as fun to be on the receiving end of gossip.
Some people believe that the best way to make rumors and gossip go away is by ignoring it.
When others hear they are part of unfounded gossip, they like to root it at the source, usually less than politely.
A friend and colleague of Redditor jimmydaf87 was going through a hard time in her personal life.
Unfortunately, a rumor began circulating at their workplace suggesting that the original poster (OP) was partially responsible for her situation.
Unwilling to take this sitting down, the OP confronted the people who started this rumor, resulting in his getting a formal reprimand.
Having second thoughts about how he handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for shutting down gossips in the middle of the office?”
The OP explained why he publicly confronted some of his colleagues while at work:
“So, I (35 M[ale]) have been working for the same company for the last 14 years working my way up the ladder.”
“During that time I became extremely close friends with a colleague (32 F[emale]).”
“We have worked together for over 10 years.”
“We both moved city for our job in our 20s.”
“I lived with her whilst in between places and she has always helped me with my disastrous love life.”
“We are so close that I was HER Best Man at her wedding and am godfather to her children.”
“I also have a really good relationship with her husband, often going out with him to the football and drinks.”
“We have always accepted that there would be gossip about us.”
“But we know our relationship is like that of siblings.”
“Unfortunately, it’s recently become public knowledge that her marriage is ending due to an affair!”
“Don’t even get me started on the situation of finding out about that and being friends with her husband, real loyalty dilemma.”
“She eventually admitted the affair and they are separated.”
“I recently received a message from a former colleague letting me know that the office gossip was I was the man in the affair!”
“I probably should have expected this at some point.”
“But I saw red and immediately charged into the kitchen and openly confronted the 3 middle aged office gossips!”
“I berated them that their rumours would damage people lives- my friendship with both her and the husband, a relationship I am in that is starting to get serious.”
“I told them they were wrong and that they needed to find something else to fill their sad little lives.”
“About an hour laterI got a message from my boss telling me to go home for the day.”
“I feel I was justified in my actions and confronting them.”
“I have had some people to message to say I they agreed with what I did and others say I was wrong for the way I did it.”
“The ex-colleague who told me about the rumour is a friend I trust completely and the message was more than just saying there was gossip.”
“It was details he had seen in a group chat.”
“I didn’t know about [the affair], she was keeping it from me too.”
“When she finally told me I told her I was too close too both of them to keep the secret.”
“I encouraged her to come clean, which she did.”
“I make sure to regularly check in on husband after the separation.”
“My boss did not formally send me home.”
“He suggested I take rest of the day.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who all but unanimously agreed he was, indeed, the a**hole for confronting his colleagues.
Just about everyone agreed that even if the OP’s anger at his colleagues was justified, he should not have confronted them in such a public or abrasive manner, and should have instead reported the incident to HR:
“Just ‘charged into the kitchen’ and started yelling at them, that’s why YTA.”
“You could’ve done a similar thing and not been the AH, but the way you describe it sounds pretty aggressive.”- thesweeterpeter
“Yeah YTA.”
“You berated and insulted people at work, which is pretty much never OK.”
“Exactly how big an asshole you were depends on whether you knew for sure that the people you berated were the ones spreading the gossip.”
“‘Known to be office gossips’ sounds like you assumed it was them.”- MrsWeasley9
“YTA for dealing with this in such an unprofessional way.”
“You ‘charged into the kitchen’ and ‘berated’ people because you assumed they were behind the gossip.”
“Even if you were correct this is not the way to deal with something like this.”- Moose-Live
“YTA for how you handled it.”
“It likely will NOT stop the gossip, you have given them even more fodder for the mill, and you likely may even get FIRED over this or if you are lucky only given a reprimand or a PIP.”
“In the extremely unlikely event you are not yet under discipline, you need to gather FACTS – as in hard proof of overhearing direct gossip spoken in your presence, hopefully FROM the women you accosted – and go to HR.”
“File a formal complaint and PRAY that they take it seriously.”- parodytx
“YTA.”
“They definitely think it’s you now lol.”- in_and_out_burger
“YTA.”
“Grown man gotta control his emotions at work.”- RepresentativeTale98
“Soft YTA for yelling and making it a thing without protecting yourself professionally and possibly making it worse for your friend/colleague.”
“This is one of the few things that HR is made for, send them a note Right Away, what your gossipy colleagues are doing is bringing up sexual topics in the workplace and making you feel very uncomfortable and worried about retaliation.”
“This is sexual harassment. go go!”- oh_you_fancy_huh
“YTA.”
“Berating colleagues in anger is not a good look.”
“You went from being the injured party to being the problem.”
“You played that very poorly.”- cb1977007
There were some, however, who also felt that the OP’s colleagues were worthy of the OP’s wrath, even if they still believed his behavior was inappropriate:
“ESH.”
“You’re more a dumb ass than an AH.”
“You should have let management or HR handle it.”
“You made it look worse for everyone by blowing up like that.”
“They ofc suck for spreading malicious gossip.”
“But you are still an adult, and should have responded as such.”
“This isn’t highschool.”
“Even when you have the moral high ground, it doesn’t mean that you’re justified in harming your professional reputation by doing so.”
“That’s a poor judgement call on your end.”
“You suck to yourself, more than anyone else, here.”
“Time to step into damage control mode.”- thoracicbunk
“ESH.”
“You should have had your boss handle it, especially since you don’t know who started the rumor.”
“For all you know, it could have been your former colleague.”- C_Majuscula
“ESH.”
“Gossip hurts everyone and there is no benefit in it.”
“They should not have said such a thing without basis in fact.”
“However, yelling at them was not the way to go about it.”
“Your boss was right in sending you home to cool off.”- thechaoticstorm
“ESH.”
“The gossips were wrong but you also behaved really unprofessionally and frankly, probably just made people gossip even more.”- yourlittlebirdie
The OP later returned with an update, acknowledging that if he could have made better choices in this situation, and sharing what ultimately happened with those who started the gossip:
“I have cooled down and realized while I may have felt I had the right to confront rumors.”
“The way I did it was wrong.”
“Have had meetings with boss and HR.”
“I have been formally reprimanded.”
“Big enough to accept my punishment and learn from this.”
“Have volunteered for some training courses about conflict management and workplace communication to avoid it in the future.”
“My friend did things properly and went to HR.”
“After they began investigating HR were approached with evidence from other colleagues that not only did the people appear to be the source of the rumor they were using Teams and work emails to spread it.”
“With the amount of evidence already available disciplinary action is being taken against all of them.”
It’s easy to understand why the OP was as angry as he was about the rumors spreading about him.
Even so, confronting anyone in the manner he did was simply never going to end well for anyone.
Something he thankfully came to realize.
And hopefully, after facing their disciplinary action, the colleagues who spread the gossip that started all this might think a little more carefully about spreading rumors that don’t concern them.