Respecting a person's space and private belongings can be an issue in marriages and committed relationships.
Yes, many couples share almost everything, almost.
Certain items sometimes belong solely to one partner.
And that partner often wants to make the rules about their stuff.
Redditor Throwaw-Macaroon4214 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for locking up my stuff so my wife will not touch it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I like to 3D print and paint miniatures."
"I have a whole work area downstairs with a lot of tools and art supplies."
"My wife also likes arts/crafts and will sometimes take my stuff."
"This is a problem; she has A[ttention]-D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] and never puts my supplies back."
"I have found my expensive paint literally in the bathroom before."
"She has used my airbrush before and just left without cleaning it out."
"I spent hours getting it to work again because the paint hardened."
"I have talked to her multiple times to put things back, and she claims she will and then never does."
"One of the reasons she grabs my stuff is because she never knows where her art crap is."
"I am sick of not having my stuff where it is supposed to be."
"I can deal with shared items being in weird places, just not this."
"Talking to her has never fixed the issue."
"Neither has asking her not use my art stuff."
"I put a lock on the cabinet where my art supplies are."
"When she saw it, she was pissed and we got into an argument."
"She is mad that I am locking her out of stuff in our shared home."
"My point was everything above."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"The issue is that she can't/won't take proper care of expensive equipment and materials."
"That's all there is to it."
"You did nothing wrong. NTA." ~ wesmorgan1
"The wife is probably angry because she must feel attacked, but I would do the same; if you're married, it's because you know her and you haven't really done anything wrong, NTA." ~ Mumy_Lyli_5298
"I would be the wife in this situation, and I would also feel attacked."
"But then, I wouldn't get into this situation, because I recognize my brain does the funky dunky, so I take loads of extra precautions when using other people's stuff."
"ADHD is an excuse for it to happen once, or every once in a while, maybe."
"If it happens regularly, it's because she just doesn't respect OP or his stuff."
"One should also recognize that feeling 'attacked' is also a bog-standard ADHD response to facing criticism/the consequences of your actions."
"It's just another thing you need to learn to manage as an adult with ADHD, not an excuse to continue with the disrespectful behaviour and delegating all responsibility for your feelings." ~ thekinglyone
"NTA. As someone with adhd who loves arts and crafts (and also paints minis), I can confidently say that adhd is not an excuse or reason for not cleaning art supplies."
"I can understand forgetting to put something back on occasion, but you should be more careful with someone else's stuff."
"I can't understand not cleaning out an airbrush."
"Anyone who uses and respects art supplies knows to clean everything out when you're done with it so as not to ruin anything expensive."
"She is just using her adhd as an excuse to take and misuse your materials without having to take the responsibility of the upkeep."
"Keep your art supplies locked up, especially the expensive stuff."
"She can use her own." ~ Scared_Fox_1813
"The problem is she doesn't care and doesn't respect the tools."
"I have ADHD, and I put my hand tools away every single time I'm walking away for more than a few minutes."
"I do this every single day, multiple times a day, because it keeps everyone safe from sharp tools, protects the tools from falling/ damage, and also means I always know where every single tool is."
"I used to work in a shop and only lent tools on the stipulation that they were returned at the end of the day."
"If they weren't, then no more tool borrowing for you."
"Eventually, everything was kept locked up because I was tired of looking through security footage to see who took my tools after I left."
"I never felt bad about it, and neither should you- taking care of your tools is important." ~ zootered
"And even if her ADHD is the reason she doesn't clean itshe doesn't have the right to use it."
"I have been known to not clean my tools and supplies, and I avoid using things that my husband values because of this."
"Some of those things I even bought for him, and I don't use them because I get distracted sometimes and don't want to risk messing it up."
"NTA. And you shouldn't have to lock it up."
"She should realize she either can't or won't take care of it properly and so should not touch it." ~ goraidders
"I, too, paint miniatures, 3D print, and use an airbrush."
"NTA. Mini paints are EXPENSIVE."
"Craft paints are cheaper."
"Airbrushes can be really expensive, and you have to clean them right away, or you may never get them working again."
"I've lost an airbrush to improper cleaning (my fault, I was new to it) before."
"It's your stuff."
"She's not respecting your stuff."
"I don't blame you for locking it up."
"I would too." ~ ThealaSildorian
"NTA. You gave her plenty of chances."
"But in the interest of a healthy marriage, it would have been better to tell her you were going to lock up your stuff instead of letting her discover it."
"Bit of a slap in the face." ~ Radiant_Annual_4027
"So, if you don't have a problem with her using it, just where it gets left and not doing maintenance, the problem is the lack of responsibility for your things."
"My spouse and I both have ADHD."
"You know what we do?"
"We communicate and understand we're trying, but we will misunderstand or make mistakes."
"If your wife isn't willing to make an effort to treat your things well, locking the container is a reasonable step."
"NTA. If you went straight to locking it away in the first instance, you'd be an a**hole."
"Since this is a recurring issue and she isn't bothered about how it affects you, you're just taking steps to ensure you can use your own supplies." ~ TheGingerCynic
"NTA - but if I could offer some advice: this sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue."
"Does your wife have systems in place to help manage her ADHD?"
"Checklists, dedicated 'homes' for items, whiteboards, etc.?"
"Does she have a dedicated 'art' space?"
"Doing projects chaotically throughout the house (she shouldn't be moving around so much while working on a project) is an issue, and I imagine why your items end up lost or forgotten."
"She needs to have ONE PLACE for art, and if it's covered in crap, she needs to tidy it away before she can start a new project."
"This won't be what comes naturally to her (due to the ADHD), but as a fellow ADHD girlie, it's essential she learn to self-organize and self-manage."
"She has to take 'I'll remember to x...' out of her vocabulary. "
"It needs to be written down, or it doesn't exist."
"It sucks it doesn't come naturally, and starting a process takes SO MUCH brainpower --, but it also means she won't need to carry those remembrances and thoughts around in her head, clogging up the works."
"My memory works a lot better when I created the habit of writing things down, but it took a lot of tries to get a system I found intuitive." ~ Paelmisto
"NTA- You need counseling, though."
"You have asked her to respect your stuff, but she ignored that request."
"You have asked to stop using your stuff, but she has ignored that request."
"You have set realistic boundaries, and she doesn't give a shit and ignores them."
"It is disrespectful of her."
"She is mad because she can no longer ignore them and do as she pleases."
"Wouldn't be shocked if she breaks the lock off to get to them."
"Your relationship needs help, as you can't let her walk over you, and she can't stop walking over you."
"Need to figure out a solution before this gets far worse." ~ jimfish98
"It's a recurring issue, and you've had to step it up because your wife is ignoring your request to deal with it like adults."
"NTA... but..."
"Getting to the point of having to lock your stuff away is a sign that things have gone unchecked for far too long."
"You shouldn't have to regulate your wife by proxy."
"She is responsible for her own choices and management."
"The fact she doesn't seem willing to do either is the real issue here - and one padlocks won't solve."
"Best of luck, OP." ~ TrifleGlittering7870
"NTA as a wife who is the ADHD artsy crafty type, and my husband is not, I have enough RESPECT to leave his things alone."
"If she can't follow basic boundaries, then you are free to do what you want."
"She lost all compromises when she refused to stop." ~ curiousblondwonders
"I'm essentially your wife."
"I have adhd and a ard time putting things back."
"That being said, every time I have to use something of my husband's, I go out of my way to make sure I put it back how it was."
"She's not being considerate and not trying to fix her own issue, so you solved the problem. NTA." ~ Bittybellie
Reddit is with you, OP.
You've asked her repeatedly to take care of your supplies.
You did what you had to.
Enjoy your crafts.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp