Respecting a person’s space and private belongings can be an issue in marriages and committed relationships.
Yes, many couples share almost everything, almost.
Certain items sometimes belong solely to one partner.
And that partner often wants to make the rules about their stuff.
Redditor Throwaw-Macaroon4214 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for locking up my stuff so my wife will not touch it?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I like to 3D print and paint miniatures.”
“I have a whole work area downstairs with a lot of tools and art supplies.”
“My wife also likes arts/crafts and will sometimes take my stuff.”
“This is a problem; she has A[ttention]-D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] and never puts my supplies back.”
“I have found my expensive paint literally in the bathroom before.”
“She has used my airbrush before and just left without cleaning it out.”
“I spent hours getting it to work again because the paint hardened.”
“I have talked to her multiple times to put things back, and she claims she will and then never does.”
“One of the reasons she grabs my stuff is because she never knows where her art crap is.”
“I am sick of not having my stuff where it is supposed to be.”
“I can deal with shared items being in weird places, just not this.”
“Talking to her has never fixed the issue.”
“Neither has asking her not use my art stuff.”
“I put a lock on the cabinet where my art supplies are.”
“When she saw it, she was pissed and we got into an argument.”
“She is mad that I am locking her out of stuff in our shared home.”
“My point was everything above.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“The issue is that she can’t/won’t take proper care of expensive equipment and materials.”
“That’s all there is to it.”
“You did nothing wrong. NTA.” ~ wesmorgan1
“The wife is probably angry because she must feel attacked, but I would do the same; if you’re married, it’s because you know her and you haven’t really done anything wrong, NTA.” ~ Mumy_Lyli_5298
“I would be the wife in this situation, and I would also feel attacked.”
“But then, I wouldn’t get into this situation, because I recognize my brain does the funky dunky, so I take loads of extra precautions when using other people’s stuff.”
“ADHD is an excuse for it to happen once, or every once in a while, maybe.”
“If it happens regularly, it’s because she just doesn’t respect OP or his stuff.”
“One should also recognize that feeling ‘attacked’ is also a bog-standard ADHD response to facing criticism/the consequences of your actions.”
“It’s just another thing you need to learn to manage as an adult with ADHD, not an excuse to continue with the disrespectful behaviour and delegating all responsibility for your feelings.” ~ thekinglyone
“NTA. As someone with adhd who loves arts and crafts (and also paints minis), I can confidently say that adhd is not an excuse or reason for not cleaning art supplies.”
“I can understand forgetting to put something back on occasion, but you should be more careful with someone else’s stuff.”
“I can’t understand not cleaning out an airbrush.”
“Anyone who uses and respects art supplies knows to clean everything out when you’re done with it so as not to ruin anything expensive.”
“She is just using her adhd as an excuse to take and misuse your materials without having to take the responsibility of the upkeep.”
“Keep your art supplies locked up, especially the expensive stuff.”
“She can use her own.” ~ Scared_Fox_1813
“The problem is she doesn’t care and doesn’t respect the tools.”
“I have ADHD, and I put my hand tools away every single time I’m walking away for more than a few minutes.”
“I do this every single day, multiple times a day, because it keeps everyone safe from sharp tools, protects the tools from falling/ damage, and also means I always know where every single tool is.”
“I used to work in a shop and only lent tools on the stipulation that they were returned at the end of the day.”
“If they weren’t, then no more tool borrowing for you.”
“Eventually, everything was kept locked up because I was tired of looking through security footage to see who took my tools after I left.”
“I never felt bad about it, and neither should you- taking care of your tools is important.” ~ zootered
“And even if her ADHD is the reason she doesn’t clean itshe doesn’t have the right to use it.”
“I have been known to not clean my tools and supplies, and I avoid using things that my husband values because of this.”
“Some of those things I even bought for him, and I don’t use them because I get distracted sometimes and don’t want to risk messing it up.”
“NTA. And you shouldn’t have to lock it up.”
“She should realize she either can’t or won’t take care of it properly and so should not touch it.” ~ goraidders
“I, too, paint miniatures, 3D print, and use an airbrush.”
“NTA. Mini paints are EXPENSIVE.”
“Craft paints are cheaper.”
“Airbrushes can be really expensive, and you have to clean them right away, or you may never get them working again.”
“I’ve lost an airbrush to improper cleaning (my fault, I was new to it) before.”
“It’s your stuff.”
“She’s not respecting your stuff.”
“I don’t blame you for locking it up.”
“I would too.” ~ ThealaSildorian
“NTA. You gave her plenty of chances.”
“But in the interest of a healthy marriage, it would have been better to tell her you were going to lock up your stuff instead of letting her discover it.”
“Bit of a slap in the face.” ~ Radiant_Annual_4027
“So, if you don’t have a problem with her using it, just where it gets left and not doing maintenance, the problem is the lack of responsibility for your things.”
“My spouse and I both have ADHD.”
“You know what we do?”
“We communicate and understand we’re trying, but we will misunderstand or make mistakes.”
“If your wife isn’t willing to make an effort to treat your things well, locking the container is a reasonable step.”
“NTA. If you went straight to locking it away in the first instance, you’d be an a**hole.”
“Since this is a recurring issue and she isn’t bothered about how it affects you, you’re just taking steps to ensure you can use your own supplies.” ~ TheGingerCynic
“NTA – but if I could offer some advice: this sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue.”
“Does your wife have systems in place to help manage her ADHD?”
“Checklists, dedicated ‘homes’ for items, whiteboards, etc.?”
“Does she have a dedicated ‘art’ space?”
“Doing projects chaotically throughout the house (she shouldn’t be moving around so much while working on a project) is an issue, and I imagine why your items end up lost or forgotten.”
“She needs to have ONE PLACE for art, and if it’s covered in crap, she needs to tidy it away before she can start a new project.”
“This won’t be what comes naturally to her (due to the ADHD), but as a fellow ADHD girlie, it’s essential she learn to self-organize and self-manage.”
“She has to take ‘I’ll remember to x…’ out of her vocabulary. “
“It needs to be written down, or it doesn’t exist.”
“It sucks it doesn’t come naturally, and starting a process takes SO MUCH brainpower –, but it also means she won’t need to carry those remembrances and thoughts around in her head, clogging up the works.”
“My memory works a lot better when I created the habit of writing things down, but it took a lot of tries to get a system I found intuitive.” ~ Paelmisto
“NTA- You need counseling, though.”
“You have asked her to respect your stuff, but she ignored that request.”
“You have asked to stop using your stuff, but she has ignored that request.”
“You have set realistic boundaries, and she doesn’t give a shit and ignores them.”
“It is disrespectful of her.”
“She is mad because she can no longer ignore them and do as she pleases.”
“Wouldn’t be shocked if she breaks the lock off to get to them.”
“Your relationship needs help, as you can’t let her walk over you, and she can’t stop walking over you.”
“Need to figure out a solution before this gets far worse.” ~ jimfish98
“It’s a recurring issue, and you’ve had to step it up because your wife is ignoring your request to deal with it like adults.”
“NTA… but…”
“Getting to the point of having to lock your stuff away is a sign that things have gone unchecked for far too long.”
“You shouldn’t have to regulate your wife by proxy.”
“She is responsible for her own choices and management.”
“The fact she doesn’t seem willing to do either is the real issue here – and one padlocks won’t solve.”
“Best of luck, OP.” ~ TrifleGlittering7870
“NTA as a wife who is the ADHD artsy crafty type, and my husband is not, I have enough RESPECT to leave his things alone.”
“If she can’t follow basic boundaries, then you are free to do what you want.”
“She lost all compromises when she refused to stop.” ~ curiousblondwonders
“I’m essentially your wife.”
“I have adhd and a ard time putting things back.”
“That being said, every time I have to use something of my husband’s, I go out of my way to make sure I put it back how it was.”
“She’s not being considerate and not trying to fix her own issue, so you solved the problem. NTA.” ~ Bittybellie
Reddit is with you, OP.
You’ve asked her repeatedly to take care of your supplies.
You did what you had to.
Enjoy your crafts.