Letting In-laws move in is a huge decision for a family.
Adult children living with their parents can lead to a lot of serious, awkward situations.
Parents are used to living by their own rules in their own house.
A rule change can upend everything.
Redditor PinkOctopus13 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] to do her own dishes?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“In September, my mother-in-law moved in with us ‘temporarily’ after her lease ended and she didn’t have enough money for a new apartment.”
“This all happened about two weeks before I gave birth.”
“Shortly after moving in, she lost her job and was unemployed for about two months, which caused her stay to last much longer than expected.”
“While living with us rent-free, she rarely did her own dishes.”
“I have been doing them.”
“She regularly left her own Tupperware sitting in the sink for weeks at a time, along with some of our dishes she had used.”
“Seeing them there every time I cleaned the kitchen became overwhelming, especially while already exhausted postpartum.”
“More recently, she left our back door open twice, which is a serious safety concern for our child, who is nonverbal and has autism, prone to elopement.”
“Before she moved in, we expressed how important it is to tell us if she’s leaving so we can latch and lock the back door behind her, and all of a sudden she didn’t for two days in a row.”
“After months of frustration, my husband asked her (at my request) to start doing her own dishes.”
“She didn’t do them for two days, so he asked her again tonight.”
“She eventually cleaned them, but became upset, packed her belongings, and when my husband asked her where she was going, she compared the situation to when my husband lived with her and never did his own dishes and implied it was unfair.”
“I told her I was the one who asked my husband to address the dishes because I was overwhelmed.”
“She said she understood, but that ‘this just isn’t working,’ and also said she felt blamed for the back door being unlocked, stating she hasn’t had a key since moving in.”
“Might I add that this lady has a serious drinking problem?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Let her pack and leave. NTA.”
“She sounds like a mess.” ~ Hour_Aardvark751
“OP, do NOT let her come back to your home.”
“It is a safety risk.”
“It doesn’t matter what she may promise will change.”
“You already have clear evidence that she will do absolutely nothing to regain her ability to support herself, much less minimize her imposition on your family.”
“I hope your husband agrees on this.”
“Understandably, this might be hard on him emotionally, but he needs to put you and the kids’ well-being first, before propping up his adult mom who refuses to help herself.”
“I’m a little worried that you are asking if you are an AH, when you and your husband made the mildest request of MIL possible.”
“You are lucky that she took oversized offense to being asked to clean her own dishes.”
“I’m not sure you or your husband would have taken any steps to have her leave on your own.” ~ swillshop
“NTA. So did she leave?”
“If so, count your blessings.”
“If not, tell her that for her to remain there has to be guidelines – such as her making sure the door remains locked and her cleaning up after herself?”
“Tell her your husband is more mature than when he lived with her and now knows better about how important it is to clean up after himself.” ~ Objective-Bat-9235
“So she left on her own, it’s a win-win! NTA.” ~ GirlDad2023_
“NTA if she packed her bags, let her go.”
“It sounds like she must have an idea of somewhere else to go.”
“She is not helping your family by being present, particularly with the safety issue of the door.”
“If she has a serious drinking problem that is not being addressed, you may not be helping her by supporting her either.”
“Regarding dishes, she should be doing her own, without being asked.”
“She is being petty by suggesting it is like when your husband lived with her.”
“She’s an adult.”
“It was 100% reasonable to ask her to do her own dishes.”
“Maybe she should have been helping by doing your dishes while she was unemployed and you were postpartum!” ~ lechetaliersowl
“She packed, did she actually leave, or was that a manipulation tactic?”
“She is right, though, this isn’t working; she should leave.”
“Dont feel guilty about that.”
“Lord, she should be doing all the household’s dishes and more as a thank you for a place to live, especially rent-free!”
“And to leave the door unlocked, that’s a major issue. NTA.” ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
“NTA. It sounds to me like the problem just solved itself ?!?!”
“She IS to blame for the door being left open, and you weren’t asking her to do more than wash her dishes… it’s hardly an imposition!”
“What does she do when she didn’t live with you?”
“I’m guessing the dishes were done then!”
“The fact that she resorted to comparing herself to her teenage son for chore responsibility is telling!”
“She’s mad because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions.”
“She should leave, and it’s ok to let her go angry.”
“She’s being ridiculous, and they are her emotions to control, not you to pander to her victimhood.”
“It only lasts longer if you do.” ~ o2low
“NTA, I would have given her the most uncomfortable mattress imaginable and told her, ‘here’, this is where you’ll sleep.”
“And if she complained, reminded her of her position, I’m sure she would have been left.” ~ Gullible-Phase-8035
“NTA. Let her leave and don’t allow her back.”
“Never allow an addict to live in the same house as your children.”
“I say this as the child of an alcoholic who was sweet as sugar when he was drunk.”
“It still left scars. “
“Don’t do that to your children, especially if you have a child who is non-verbal and has difficulties expressing themselves.” ~ Plus-Bar9198
“NTA. She has somewhere to go, so she has no excuse to stay with you now.”
“Cheers!” ~ MinuteElegant774
“NTA. And this after reading the first two sentences.”
“Then when I got to the part about leaving the door open, especially if you have a child prone to running away…🤌 honestly, WTH!”
“Girl no.”
“Postpartum is hard as it is.”
“Add a special needs kid and then on top of that a woman that doesn’t contribute to the household, but moreover that creates serious issues?”
“Just no.”
“Thank God she left and that’s that.” ~ UndercoverBFF
“NTA… at all whatsoever.”
“Good Lord, I hope you let her leave with a sigh of relief.”
“Dont feel guilty, or like you’re bad in any way.”
“She is a grown-a** woman and should know better!”
“I REALLY hope she left and you opened the door on her way out since her hands were full.”
“I’m sure she tried to gaslight you again (not making her feel welcome? Pfffffft! 🙄 get the f**k out of here!… please 🤗).”
“So sorry she doesn’t feel welcome, and you completely understand she wants to leave.”
“You dont want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way!”
“You are so glad she felt like she could still be open and honest with y’all, letting you know living there doesn’t work for her.”
“Her leaving is not going to affect your relationship at all.”
“You absolutely respect her decision to leave and find somewhere she will feel more comfortable… 😐”
“Not kidding OP… so hope she left and you encouraged it with words like that.” ~ porcelainthunders
“NTA. Do not let your alcoholic MIL move back in.”
“Sounds like S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] will not take her, but that is not your problem.”
“She is disrespectful, and you make it sound like she left the door open on purpose because she was upset with you and your husband.”
“Why in the blue blazes are you subjecting your infant and child to an alcoholic who is willing to put a child in danger to be petty?!!!!!” ~ KimB-booksncats-11
“NTA. Asking a rent-free adult to clean up after herself—especially while you’re postpartum and caring for a child with safety needs—is completely reasonable.”
“The door issue alone is serious.”
“Her reaction and deflection aren’t on you; basic boundaries aren’t disrespect.” ~ Pretend-Gap9156
“Why wait and wait until you are finally fed up?”
“You could have just asked her gently to do her dishes and keep the kitchen clean… from Day One.”
“That said, she has issues.”
“Leaving the door unlocked is more than just being irresponsible; it’s malicious.”
“NTA for asking her to pull her weight in your home.” ~ hadMcDofordinner
“You have a husband problem first and foremost.”
“He moved his mother into your home 2 weeks before you gave birth.”
“He probably thought she might be some help to you in the early months of motherhood.”
“You need to have a conversation with him that things of that magnitude need a two yes, one no type vote before they can happen.”
“That way, if you both want something to happen, you both vote yes, but if one of you doesn’t want it to happen, then the other can’t veto their decision (the one no).”
“Your MIL needs to move out, and the sooner the better.”
“She wants you to say ‘Don’t go!’ or something similar.”
“I’d let her go.”
“She’s an adult, and she can find somewhere to live and a job if she is still able to work.”
“It is not your responsibility to house her.”
“Stay strong, and this too will pass. NTA.” ~ Powerful_Put_6977
“NTA – don’t let her come back.”
“She will continue to disrespect you and your home if you do.” ~ happy_bunny_84
Reddit is with you, OP.
There is no issue with asking someone to do the dishes.
Your MIL has a lot to deal with.
You’re doing the best you can.
It’s nice to hear you have your Hubby’s support