Letting In-laws move in is a huge decision for a family.
Adult children living with their parents can lead to a lot of serious, awkward situations.
Parents are used to living by their own rules in their own house.
A rule change can upend everything.
Redditor PinkOctopus13 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] to do her own dishes?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"In September, my mother-in-law moved in with us 'temporarily' after her lease ended and she didn't have enough money for a new apartment."
"This all happened about two weeks before I gave birth."
"Shortly after moving in, she lost her job and was unemployed for about two months, which caused her stay to last much longer than expected."
"While living with us rent-free, she rarely did her own dishes."
"I have been doing them."
"She regularly left her own Tupperware sitting in the sink for weeks at a time, along with some of our dishes she had used."
"Seeing them there every time I cleaned the kitchen became overwhelming, especially while already exhausted postpartum."
"More recently, she left our back door open twice, which is a serious safety concern for our child, who is nonverbal and has autism, prone to elopement."
"Before she moved in, we expressed how important it is to tell us if she's leaving so we can latch and lock the back door behind her, and all of a sudden she didn't for two days in a row."
"After months of frustration, my husband asked her (at my request) to start doing her own dishes."
"She didn't do them for two days, so he asked her again tonight."
"She eventually cleaned them, but became upset, packed her belongings, and when my husband asked her where she was going, she compared the situation to when my husband lived with her and never did his own dishes and implied it was unfair."
"I told her I was the one who asked my husband to address the dishes because I was overwhelmed."
"She said she understood, but that 'this just isn't working,' and also said she felt blamed for the back door being unlocked, stating she hasn't had a key since moving in."
"Might I add that this lady has a serious drinking problem?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Let her pack and leave. NTA."
"She sounds like a mess." ~ Hour_Aardvark751
"OP, do NOT let her come back to your home."
"It is a safety risk."
"It doesn't matter what she may promise will change."
"You already have clear evidence that she will do absolutely nothing to regain her ability to support herself, much less minimize her imposition on your family."
"I hope your husband agrees on this."
"Understandably, this might be hard on him emotionally, but he needs to put you and the kids' well-being first, before propping up his adult mom who refuses to help herself."
"I'm a little worried that you are asking if you are an AH, when you and your husband made the mildest request of MIL possible."
"You are lucky that she took oversized offense to being asked to clean her own dishes."
"I'm not sure you or your husband would have taken any steps to have her leave on your own." ~ swillshop
"NTA. So did she leave?"
"If so, count your blessings."
"If not, tell her that for her to remain there has to be guidelines - such as her making sure the door remains locked and her cleaning up after herself?"
"Tell her your husband is more mature than when he lived with her and now knows better about how important it is to clean up after himself." ~ Objective-Bat-9235
"So she left on her own, it's a win-win! NTA." ~ GirlDad2023_
"NTA if she packed her bags, let her go."
"It sounds like she must have an idea of somewhere else to go."
"She is not helping your family by being present, particularly with the safety issue of the door."
"If she has a serious drinking problem that is not being addressed, you may not be helping her by supporting her either."
"Regarding dishes, she should be doing her own, without being asked."
"She is being petty by suggesting it is like when your husband lived with her."
"She's an adult."
"It was 100% reasonable to ask her to do her own dishes."
"Maybe she should have been helping by doing your dishes while she was unemployed and you were postpartum!" ~ lechetaliersowl
"She packed, did she actually leave, or was that a manipulation tactic?"
"She is right, though, this isn't working; she should leave."
"Dont feel guilty about that."
"Lord, she should be doing all the household's dishes and more as a thank you for a place to live, especially rent-free!"
"And to leave the door unlocked, that's a major issue. NTA." ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
"NTA. It sounds to me like the problem just solved itself ?!?!"
"She IS to blame for the door being left open, and you weren't asking her to do more than wash her dishes… it's hardly an imposition!"
"What does she do when she didn't live with you?"
"I'm guessing the dishes were done then!"
"The fact that she resorted to comparing herself to her teenage son for chore responsibility is telling!"
"She's mad because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions."
"She should leave, and it's ok to let her go angry."
"She's being ridiculous, and they are her emotions to control, not you to pander to her victimhood."
"It only lasts longer if you do." ~ o2low
"NTA, I would have given her the most uncomfortable mattress imaginable and told her, 'here', this is where you'll sleep."
"And if she complained, reminded her of her position, I'm sure she would have been left." ~ Gullible-Phase-8035
"NTA. Let her leave and don't allow her back."
"Never allow an addict to live in the same house as your children."
"I say this as the child of an alcoholic who was sweet as sugar when he was drunk."
"It still left scars. "
"Don't do that to your children, especially if you have a child who is non-verbal and has difficulties expressing themselves." ~ Plus-Bar9198
"NTA. She has somewhere to go, so she has no excuse to stay with you now."
"Cheers!" ~ MinuteElegant774
"NTA. And this after reading the first two sentences."
"Then when I got to the part about leaving the door open, especially if you have a child prone to running away…🤌 honestly, WTH!"
"Girl no."
"Postpartum is hard as it is."
"Add a special needs kid and then on top of that a woman that doesn't contribute to the household, but moreover that creates serious issues?"
"Just no."
"Thank God she left and that's that." ~ UndercoverBFF
"NTA... at all whatsoever."
"Good Lord, I hope you let her leave with a sigh of relief."
"Dont feel guilty, or like you're bad in any way."
"She is a grown-a** woman and should know better!"
"I REALLY hope she left and you opened the door on her way out since her hands were full."
"I'm sure she tried to gaslight you again (not making her feel welcome? Pfffffft! 🙄 get the f**k out of here!... please 🤗)."
"So sorry she doesn't feel welcome, and you completely understand she wants to leave."
"You dont want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way!"
"You are so glad she felt like she could still be open and honest with y'all, letting you know living there doesn't work for her."
"Her leaving is not going to affect your relationship at all."
"You absolutely respect her decision to leave and find somewhere she will feel more comfortable... 😐"
"Not kidding OP... so hope she left and you encouraged it with words like that." ~ porcelainthunders
"NTA. Do not let your alcoholic MIL move back in."
"Sounds like S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] will not take her, but that is not your problem."
"She is disrespectful, and you make it sound like she left the door open on purpose because she was upset with you and your husband."
"Why in the blue blazes are you subjecting your infant and child to an alcoholic who is willing to put a child in danger to be petty?!!!!!" ~ KimB-booksncats-11
"NTA. Asking a rent-free adult to clean up after herself—especially while you're postpartum and caring for a child with safety needs—is completely reasonable."
"The door issue alone is serious."
"Her reaction and deflection aren't on you; basic boundaries aren't disrespect." ~ Pretend-Gap9156
"Why wait and wait until you are finally fed up?"
"You could have just asked her gently to do her dishes and keep the kitchen clean... from Day One."
"That said, she has issues."
"Leaving the door unlocked is more than just being irresponsible; it's malicious."
"NTA for asking her to pull her weight in your home." ~ hadMcDofordinner
"You have a husband problem first and foremost."
"He moved his mother into your home 2 weeks before you gave birth."
"He probably thought she might be some help to you in the early months of motherhood."
"You need to have a conversation with him that things of that magnitude need a two yes, one no type vote before they can happen."
"That way, if you both want something to happen, you both vote yes, but if one of you doesn't want it to happen, then the other can't veto their decision (the one no)."
"Your MIL needs to move out, and the sooner the better."
"She wants you to say 'Don't go!' or something similar."
"I'd let her go."
"She's an adult, and she can find somewhere to live and a job if she is still able to work."
"It is not your responsibility to house her."
"Stay strong, and this too will pass. NTA." ~ Powerful_Put_6977
"NTA - don't let her come back."
"She will continue to disrespect you and your home if you do." ~ happy_bunny_84
Reddit is with you, OP.
There is no issue with asking someone to do the dishes.
Your MIL has a lot to deal with.
You're doing the best you can.
It's nice to hear you have your Hubby's support
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp