No two people share the same views on parenting.
Even married couples in a co-parenting situation might have completely opposite views of how to parent their children.
In these scenarios, each member of the couple usually does their best to find some common ground, where both their parenting styles come into play.
Which doesn’t necessarily mean they will live in perfect harmony.
Redditor mayhavecrossedaline was going away for an extended period of time, leaving their husband in charge of their children.
During their absence, the original poster (OP) made one request of her husband, which he seemed to be willing to oblige.
When the OP returned, however, and discovered that her husband had not followed through on this request, they made their displeasure known.
Worried they may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my husband he’s made me reconsider leaving him alone with the kids in the future?”
The OP explained why they felt compelled to share a few choice words with their husband:
“It was my niece’s wedding this weekend.”
“She’s my oldest niece, the first amongst her cousins to get married, and I’m very close to her.”
“There were also some events happening last weekend.”
“So I had taken the last week off from work and flew to hers the weekend before.”
“My husband and the kids (12 y/o daughter, 10 y/o son) were supposed to fly in at Friday for the main event.”
“Before I left I had prepared enough food for them to last the while.”
“The stuff they were planning on eating first, I had put in the fridge, and other dishes in the freezer.”
“All they had to do was let it thaw, put it in the pan (or the pot), add some water and heat it.”
“I had even marinated some chicken separately for them to cook in the oven.”
“For their school lunch I had told my husband what had to be made for them, that it would take 20 minutes in the morning so to factor that in.”
“He had said he understood.”
“Now this is my fault too, but for the first 2 days I made sure to ask during my conversations with them if the food situation was fine, but hadn’t brought it up later, plus all the events we were having distracted me too.”
“When they flew in I asked if it had all gone well, if the food had run out, he said no there was more than enough, which made me feel better.”
“But when we got home yesterday, there was way more food left than I thought.”
“I brought it up, and found out that even thawig and heating the food was too much to do after the initial refrigerated dishes, and they’d defaulted to eating out.”
“And he’d been giving them lunch money instead of a homemade lunch.”
“I was so annoyed, I told him I was disappointed in him, that I’d have to now think twice before ever leaving him alone with the kids again.”
“He got heated too, said I wasn’t giving him his due credit for taking care of the kids, they were happy with what he was doing, and that should be it, that the kids were safe and sound and there had been no emergencies, and it was messed up for me to say I didn’t trust him with the kids.”
“We’d been curt with each other in the morning today.”
“We had discussed what I should leave for them before I started cooking.”
“I asked the kids what they wanted, and had discussed it with him, he’d asked me to make his favorite meal, which was the one they ate first.”
“Also, yes, I do work.”
“I’m a dentist and have my own practice.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting their husband.
Most felt that the way the OP’s husband breached their trust needed to be called out, even if some felt the OP could have done so a little more delicately:
“He got exactly what he wanted.”
“He pretended he was too incompetent to even thaw and heat up food that was already prepared.”
“His reward is now that you’ll never ask him to TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN CHILDREN again.”
“This can’t possibly be the only time he’s acted utterly helpless in order to get you to do anything and everything he doesn’t want to do.”
“You don’t have a husband, you have a third child.”
“NTA.”- PittieLover1
“NTA.”
“He needs to step up.”
“‘giving him his due credit for taking care of the kids’.”
“They are his kids.”
“He doesn’t get a medal for looking after them.”
“‘That the kids were safe and sound, and there had been no emergencies.”
“So he did the bare minimum of keeping them alive.”
“You are the one who went above and beyond, planning and preparing meals for a week so that he wouldn’t have to.”
“That is mental labor and physical chores that you took off his plate, that he should have been able to do on his own because, again, they are his kids.”
“But even that wasn’t enough hand-holding for him.”
“Keeping the kids alive for a week is the bare minimum.”
“He also needs to account for their health and the family budget, both of which took a hit by repeated eating out and making the kids rely on school lunches.”
“You prepped everything so he only had to put in the barest effort to be a parent while you were gone, and he couldn’t even do that.”
“He needs to reflect on that, instead of trying to make you feel like the bad guy for pointing it out.”-Swirlyflurry
“NTA.”
“BUT next time just leave him to sort it out.”
“Do not go to all that trouble to prepare stuff that they don’t want and don’t appreciate.”- Bridgybabe
Some, however, weren’t as sure the OP’s husband really did anything wrong, even if they understood where the OP was coming from:
“You’re doing too much.”
“Let your husband feed the kids.”
“10 and 12 are plenty old enough to make their own lunches, and if it takes 20 minutes, they can do it the night before (although 20 minutes sounds like a long time to throw together a school lunch).”
“NAH but it doesn’t require this much effort to leave pre-teen kids alone with the other parent for a few days.”- MountainTomato9292
While others didn’t think either the OP or their husband came off looking particularly good:
“Mom’s gone = cafeteria food and cash from dad and eating out every day!”
“’The kids were fine with it.”
“Yeah, no sh*t if I was 12 I’d also want to eat out instead of eating mom’s same food every day.”
“They’re going to be begging you to leave if this keeps happening. And I don’t think you’re the AH for expecting routine to continue.”
“Like this situation specifically may not be a big deal, but if this happens every single time, I don’t think it’s healthy.”
“I don’t think it’s bad for dad to take them out to eat or give them lunch money for a couple of those days but every day is insane.”
“And I’m saying this as someone who doesn’t want or have kids.”
“ESH. Dad, for all of the above, and not seeing the concern.”
“Mom for a tiny bit overreacting in the response.”- garlicshrimpscampi
The OP later returned with an update, clearing up some matters and sharing where things currently stood between their husband and them:
“A lot of people are saying there was no need for me to have done the prep.”
“I hear that. I’m not saying it’s the best way, it’s just the structure we have.”
“Its just what the kids are used to, so I didn’t want that disrupted.”
“Normally, I pick up the kids on my way back from the clinic and make them lunch.”
“Thrice a week, I go to a dental center in the evenings too, so before I leave, I normally have dinner set up, and snacks made for them for the evening.”
“So when I’m back, they’re normally full, and so I can finish making dinner.”
“So they’re used to homemade food.”
“And yes, I should started teaching the kids how to cook too.”
“They’re busy with studying and their extracurriculars and friends, so I just avoid pushing this onto them, but gradual responsibility is a good idea.”
“And reading the comments, I recognize I probably did cross a line.”
“I’ll apologize to him.”
Considering the OP went to considerable trouble to prepare those meals, one can understand why they would have been less than thrilled to hear from their husband that reheating them was more than he could handle.
Whether the OP’s husband’s parenting skills deserved to be put into question as a result is another matter.
It’s nice that the OP took it upon herself to apologize.
But perhaps they were also worthy of an apology from their husband?