No two people share the same views on parenting.
Even married couples in a co-parenting situation might have completely opposite views of how to parent their children.
In these scenarios, each member of the couple usually does their best to find some common ground, where both their parenting styles come into play.
Which doesn't necessarily mean they will live in perfect harmony.
Redditor mayhavecrossedaline was going away for an extended period of time, leaving their husband in charge of their children.
During their absence, the original poster (OP) made one request of her husband, which he seemed to be willing to oblige.
When the OP returned, however, and discovered that her husband had not followed through on this request, they made their displeasure known.
Worried they may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my husband he's made me reconsider leaving him alone with the kids in the future?"
The OP explained why they felt compelled to share a few choice words with their husband:
"It was my niece's wedding this weekend."
"She's my oldest niece, the first amongst her cousins to get married, and I'm very close to her."
"There were also some events happening last weekend."
"So I had taken the last week off from work and flew to hers the weekend before."
"My husband and the kids (12 y/o daughter, 10 y/o son) were supposed to fly in at Friday for the main event."
"Before I left I had prepared enough food for them to last the while."
"The stuff they were planning on eating first, I had put in the fridge, and other dishes in the freezer."
"All they had to do was let it thaw, put it in the pan (or the pot), add some water and heat it."
"I had even marinated some chicken separately for them to cook in the oven."
"For their school lunch I had told my husband what had to be made for them, that it would take 20 minutes in the morning so to factor that in."
"He had said he understood."
"Now this is my fault too, but for the first 2 days I made sure to ask during my conversations with them if the food situation was fine, but hadn't brought it up later, plus all the events we were having distracted me too."
"When they flew in I asked if it had all gone well, if the food had run out, he said no there was more than enough, which made me feel better."
"But when we got home yesterday, there was way more food left than I thought."
"I brought it up, and found out that even thawig and heating the food was too much to do after the initial refrigerated dishes, and they'd defaulted to eating out."
"And he'd been giving them lunch money instead of a homemade lunch."
"I was so annoyed, I told him I was disappointed in him, that I'd have to now think twice before ever leaving him alone with the kids again."
"He got heated too, said I wasn't giving him his due credit for taking care of the kids, they were happy with what he was doing, and that should be it, that the kids were safe and sound and there had been no emergencies, and it was messed up for me to say I didn't trust him with the kids."
"We'd been curt with each other in the morning today."
"We had discussed what I should leave for them before I started cooking."
"I asked the kids what they wanted, and had discussed it with him, he'd asked me to make his favorite meal, which was the one they ate first."
"Also, yes, I do work."
"I'm a dentist and have my own practice."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting their husband.
Most felt that the way the OP's husband breached their trust needed to be called out, even if some felt the OP could have done so a little more delicately:
"He got exactly what he wanted."
"He pretended he was too incompetent to even thaw and heat up food that was already prepared."
"His reward is now that you'll never ask him to TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN CHILDREN again."
"This can't possibly be the only time he's acted utterly helpless in order to get you to do anything and everything he doesn't want to do."
"You don't have a husband, you have a third child."
"NTA."- PittieLover1
"NTA."
"He needs to step up."
"'giving him his due credit for taking care of the kids'."
"They are his kids."
"He doesn't get a medal for looking after them."
"'That the kids were safe and sound, and there had been no emergencies."
"So he did the bare minimum of keeping them alive."
"You are the one who went above and beyond, planning and preparing meals for a week so that he wouldn't have to."
"That is mental labor and physical chores that you took off his plate, that he should have been able to do on his own because, again, they are his kids."
"But even that wasn't enough hand-holding for him."
"Keeping the kids alive for a week is the bare minimum."
"He also needs to account for their health and the family budget, both of which took a hit by repeated eating out and making the kids rely on school lunches."
"You prepped everything so he only had to put in the barest effort to be a parent while you were gone, and he couldn't even do that."
"He needs to reflect on that, instead of trying to make you feel like the bad guy for pointing it out."-Swirlyflurry
"NTA."
"BUT next time just leave him to sort it out."
"Do not go to all that trouble to prepare stuff that they don't want and don't appreciate."- Bridgybabe
Some, however, weren't as sure the OP's husband really did anything wrong, even if they understood where the OP was coming from:
"You're doing too much."
"Let your husband feed the kids."
"10 and 12 are plenty old enough to make their own lunches, and if it takes 20 minutes, they can do it the night before (although 20 minutes sounds like a long time to throw together a school lunch)."
"NAH but it doesn't require this much effort to leave pre-teen kids alone with the other parent for a few days."- MountainTomato9292
While others didn't think either the OP or their husband came off looking particularly good:
"Mom's gone = cafeteria food and cash from dad and eating out every day!"
"'The kids were fine with it."
"Yeah, no sh*t if I was 12 I'd also want to eat out instead of eating mom's same food every day."
"They're going to be begging you to leave if this keeps happening. And I don't think you're the AH for expecting routine to continue."
"Like this situation specifically may not be a big deal, but if this happens every single time, I don't think it's healthy."
"I don't think it's bad for dad to take them out to eat or give them lunch money for a couple of those days but every day is insane."
"And I'm saying this as someone who doesn't want or have kids."
"ESH. Dad, for all of the above, and not seeing the concern."
"Mom for a tiny bit overreacting in the response."- garlicshrimpscampi
The OP later returned with an update, clearing up some matters and sharing where things currently stood between their husband and them:
"A lot of people are saying there was no need for me to have done the prep."
"I hear that. I'm not saying it's the best way, it's just the structure we have."
"Its just what the kids are used to, so I didn't want that disrupted."
"Normally, I pick up the kids on my way back from the clinic and make them lunch."
"Thrice a week, I go to a dental center in the evenings too, so before I leave, I normally have dinner set up, and snacks made for them for the evening."
"So when I'm back, they're normally full, and so I can finish making dinner."
"So they're used to homemade food."
"And yes, I should started teaching the kids how to cook too."
"They're busy with studying and their extracurriculars and friends, so I just avoid pushing this onto them, but gradual responsibility is a good idea."
"And reading the comments, I recognize I probably did cross a line."
"I'll apologize to him."
Considering the OP went to considerable trouble to prepare those meals, one can understand why they would have been less than thrilled to hear from their husband that reheating them was more than he could handle.
Whether the OP's husband's parenting skills deserved to be put into question as a result is another matter.
It's nice that the OP took it upon herself to apologize.
But perhaps they were also worthy of an apology from their husband?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp