Not everyone appreciates just what a luxury “alone time” is.
Indeed, the opportunity to have silence and solitude is highly coveted by many people.
Even so, having a chance to get it is not always a guarantee.
Hence why some people go to great lengths to ensure they have it, even if only for one day a week.
Redditor Throwra-House-5592 had an arrangement with their wife to give her “alone time” in their home.
However, the original poster (OP) was somewhat surprised when she demanded an increase to their arrangement.
An increase the OP was almost entirely unwilling to oblige.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my wife she should take the car if she wants alone time instead of asking me to leave the house with our kids?”
The OP explained why they were less than amenable to their wife’s renegotiation of a pre-existing arrangement:
“My wife works from home part-time (2–3 days a week) and is the main at-home parent to our two kids.”
“We live in a tiny apartment with very thin walls so I understand that it’s overwhelming and she’s always been a very introverted person who needs more alone time than most people.”
“1-2 times a week I take the kids out for an hour or two so she can have the house to herself.”
“She really appreciates it.”
“The issue is that now she wants this every day, for longer and wants me to drop whatever I’m doing to take the kids out whenever she needs space.”
“I’ve obliged several times when she’s been explicitly asking for it even when it was inconvenient for me, but I’ve started feeling taken advantage of.”
“I also work full-time outside the house Monday–Friday, so the home is my decompression space too.”
“Sometimes I just want to relax and watch TV without being sent out of my own house.”
“Recently, she asked me again to take the kids out so she could have the house to herself.”
“I said no because I feel like this ‘nice thing’ I was doing has become an expectation.”
“I told her she’s welcome to take the car and have alone time somewhere else if she needs it.”
“She said that’s unfair because she wants to relax at home, not outside.”
“I said it’s also my home and if she needs the quiet time, she can relocate.”
“I just don’t want to be displaced anymore.”
“I told her that I’ll take the kids out when I genuinely want to do something nice for her but I don’t want to be told to leave my house every time she wants quiet.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they felt the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly took the OP’s side, agreeing they were not the a**hole for telling their wife she can use the car if she wants “alone time”.
Everyone agreed that it was very unreasonable for the OP’s wife to force them out of the house, especially when they’ve been out at work all day, with many even wondering why their wife even wanted a family if she needed this much “alone time”:
“NTA.”
“The expectation she has set is unreasonable…not just for you but for your kids too.”
“There is zero reason she can’t go out herself.”
“She’s putting hardship on the entire family by making this demand when the easy answer is she can get away without disrupting everyone else’s downtime/routines.”
“It was fine when it was occasional but now it’s daily?”
“Not okay.”- IamIrene
“NTA.”
“Being required to leave your house for 1-2 additional hours each day is too much, especially since you are happy to cover the kids, just not leave the house with them.”
“That said, this is a very real problem that needs solving for her sake and the sake of your marriage.”
“Have you considered any of all of the following?”
“Promise to take the kids out on weekend days, at a scheduled time, and maybe one weekday.”
“Buy her noise-canceling headphones and let her lock herself in the bedroom as a retreat.”
“Put the kids in daycare for a couple days a week, or even half days.”
“Find a teenager to take the kids to the park several afternoons a week before you get home.”
“Enrolling her in a yoga or meditation class.”
“While this isn’t alone time, there’s very little interaction, and both are good at reducing stress.”
“Checking to see if there’s something else going on that is increasing her need for alone time, and addressing that.”
“Remember, it’s not her solution vs. your solution, it’s both of you vs. the problem, so try to find something that genuinely works for both of you.”
“Good luck!”- CarpenterMom
“NTA.”
“I feel it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to leave the house with the kids for hours every single day after you’ve been out of the house all day long.”
“I understand that she may be introverted or something like that, however, that doesn’t mean that she gets to push you out of the house every single day.”
“And a certain point she may need to just put on noise canceling headphones and go hide in the bedroom or sit in the backyard.”
“Go to a park.”
“Something.”
“The way it’s currently being asked is not reasonable in my opinion.”- MithosYggdrasill1992
“I was fully onboard here… she is overwhelmed, wants some time to herself, introvert… and you were stepping up, taking the kids out, giving her space….”
“…but you know what, she gets to say ‘please take the kids for an hour and don’t let anyone come into the bedroom as I am going to take some time to myself’, but she doesn’t get to throw you all out.”
“I’m an introvert.”
“I’m a parent.”
“I set a specific time and say ‘please leave me alone until X time. If you want to make a noise, please do it that side of the house, not this side’ and then I take time to myself.”
“It isn’t completely silent, but you know what… headphones exist.”
“She can have her own little island for a set amount of time, then you guys can switch out.”
“NTA.”
“She isn’t being reasonable.”
“Compromise means giving more than you wanted but getting less than you want, but finding a way to make it fair to both.”- Jynx-Online
“NTA.”
“I’ve been the SAHM and needed some time to chill.”
“Even now (kids more grown) I sometimes sit in the car for an extra few minutes before going on the house.”
“Husband used to work from home mostly ( till THIS year).”
“I completely understand the man sometimes needs to be able to enjoy being at home.”
“I actively support and facilitate that.”
“Your wife needs breaks.”
“You support and facilitate that for her.”
“You need breaks too.”
“Where is her support and willingness to help you get that?”
“You give her time alone at home without the kids.”
“You just don’t want to do that Every. Day. (!)”
“You aren’t even asking her to take the kids and give you time alone to relax in the house.”
“You just want to be able to spend SOME time at home while you watch the kids.”
“I doubt you are even looking for a 50/50 split.”
“You could tell her that you would like an hour of solitude at home for every hour you give her that.”
“But you are not asking her for that.”
“Less.”
“She is the one being unfair.”- swillshop
“NTA.”
“It doesn’t make sense for 3 people to leave a house so one person can have comfort.”
“Your solution for her to go out and have free time seems reasonable.”
“Without any other context, this kind of seems like the line between introverted and reclusive.”-aj_alva
“NTA.”
“I get that she needs to decompress, but daily is wild.”
“You need to decompress too.”
“Maybe you do this twice a week, and she do it twice a week for you.”
“She can’t just kick you out of your own house the minute she feels it either.”
“If she’s going to be spontaneous, I agree she should be the one to leave.”
“Sounds like you need childcare for the 4 year old though (assuming 6 goes to school all day) if she is overwhelmed with the kids.”- a-ohhh
“NTA.”
“I think your thinking on this is correct.”
“If you don’t nip this in the bud she will normalize booting you and the kids out of the house whenever she feels like it — and once people get used to something they feel entitled to it and react badly when they are no longer given it.”
“What she wants is unsustainable and would have to end sometime even if you enable it now.”
“How will the kids react to this when they get older and know that mommy doesn’t want them in the house?”
“The longer you do it for the more she’ll kick and scream when you want to stop doing it.”
“If I were you I would have a hard think about just how much free time alone in the house is reasonable considering that she chose to marry and have kids.”
“She’s not single anymore and she can’t think like she can just drop all consideration for anyone else in the house and kick them out at the drop of a hat as if they were guests overstaying their welcome or something.”
“They’re not.”
“They’re family with a right to be there in their own home.”
“You can be considerate, but she has to be too.”
“What she wants now is setting up bad expectations for the future and wouldn’t lead to anything good.”
“The more she gets used to pressing a mental button and ejecting family from her life for a couple of hours a day the more she will get comfortable with pressing it.”
“What she should be getting used to is a reasonable compromise.”- kurokomainu
Everyone is entitled to some alone time.
However, if you make the decision to start a family, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that alone time can be a very difficult thing to come by.
Something the OP’s wife clearly didn’t consider.
As she seems to prioritize her alone time rather than spending any time with her family.