Caring for elderly parents can be a daunting task.
And the price tag for elder care can bankrupt a family.
So what are families to do?
There doesn’t seem to be an easy answer.
And that’s why a lot of families can fall apart.
Redditor No_Ability_3658 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to take in my in-laws?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (37 F[emale]) have been married to my husband (38) for 10 years.”
“We have 2 children.”
“He has 2 brothers, Henry (40) (who is married with 2 children), and Frank (43) (who is also married with 2 children).”
“Their parents now need to move in with one of their sons because they can no longer live alone.”
“One of his brothers called for a family meeting with all the siblings and their wives.”
“Henry and Frank suggested their parents should live with my husband and me since I have the most experience, we own the biggest house with an I[n]-L[aw] apartment (that we use when we have guests visiting), and their wives both work.”
“I’m the only one with a background in nursing, but I’m now mostly a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om].”
“I keep my license current and work one weekend a month, just in case I decide to go back to work full-time once our children are older.”
“I said no because my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and I don’t have a good relationship.”
“She’s never been kind to me, and we only see her twice a year because I don’t want our children seeing her do that.”
“I suggested a nursing home or assisted living.”
“His brothers said they did look into that option, but neither is an option due to cost.”
“I let them know we will not be having their parents living with us, and one of them will have to accommodate them at their home.”
“They said they would not be able to survive financially having their wives stay home.”
“I apologized and told them if they had any questions while caring for them, I’d be available over the phone, but told them I would not do it.”
“My husband agrees with me, but does think it was a little harsh.”
“His brothers aren’t speaking to us right now because they said I’m an AH who’s going to put them in a bad spot.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, these men want you to be a full-time, unpaid caregiver to THEIR parents?”
“Using your very valuable education and credentials?”
“And they assume they’re entitled to hundreds of thousands of dollars of free labor from you because… why?”
“You f**ked their brother?”
“That kind of exploitation is ridiculous, and they deserved that verbal slap.” ~ WinstonWilmerBee
“EXACTLY! OP’s husband is the only one who seems not to see his wife as a free labor source, but then he ruined it by calling her harsh for standing her ground and not being pushed into caring for THEIR parents.”
“Some sexist BS is going on in this family.” ~ Extension-Clock608
“This – a million times over.”
“This is 100% not your problem to fix.”
“It’s the three siblings’ problem.”
“It sounds harsh, but you owe them neither your time nor your talents.”
“Your first loyalty is to your own family – husband and children.”
“The fact that you don’t get along with your MIL is just icing on the proverbial cake.”
“I suggested a nursing home or assisted living.”
“His brothers said they did look into that option, but neither is an option due to cost.”
“They don’t want this option because it will eat away at their anticipated inheritance, if I had to guess.”
“If she truly doesn’t have any assets, then filing for Medicaid is likely an option in her situation.”
“I’m sure they also have no idea how hard it is to be a caregiver in the long term.”
“The parents may need relatively minimal care right now, but what about a year from now, five years from now, 10 years from now?”
“Stand firm, OP.”
“There is a solution here, but YOU are not it.” ~ LovelyLilac73
“Yep. My mom did this for my dad’s less-than-wonderful parents.”
“His siblings had no gratitude whatsoever.”
“They could always all afford nice houses, cars, regular vacations, etc.”
“My parents paid for his parents’ needs and gave care while raising kids.”
“We could not afford any kind of vacation.”
“It lasted 20+ years. We were so poor because of this, and my grandparents were lowkey racist a**holes.”
“Meanwhile, my aunts and uncles had vacation homes and would go on joint vacations.”
“They made fun of our penny-pinching ways that were required for us to survive. 🤬”
“NTA OP! NTA!” ~ Icy-Plan5621
“NTA and I love your nice shiny spine 💗.”
“You DO have a job.”
“You are the stay-at-home parent, just because your job is in the home and unpaid doesn’t mean it’s not a job.”
“Why are all three brothers assuming it’s the women who will be giving up their jobs and taking care of their parents?”
“The parents are the responsibility of the three sons.”
“If the parents move into anyone’s home, it should be the son giving up their paid job and doing the unpaid stay-at-home parent-caring job.”
“If any of those selfish, lazy men were faced with being the full-time carer, they would change their tune very quickly, I’m certain.”
“Your husband needs to be more supportive and not give you criticisms of being ‘harsh.'”
“Tell him it’ll be him doing the caring if they ever move in with you, and you’ll go back to full-time nursing.”
“See how he feels about that idea.”
“Especially once you divorce him and live elsewhere to get away from his awful mother, and he is left alone with them.”
“Bad, lazy, selfish men expecting women to solve their parenting problem.” ~ pixie-ann
“NTA. They are blind to the fact that she already works, taking care of two children.”
“They have made it clear that they don’t see raising functioning members of society as worth as much as whatever it is they do.” ~ Roadglidegirl
“NTA for not taking them in, but your husband should have been the one doing the talking here.” ~ WelfordNelferd
“NTA. Assisted living isn’t cheap, but the brothers contributing (equally) should total a decent amount.”
“Add in the parents’ Social Security/retirement/pension (plus anything from selling their current place), and it should provide enough to have a roof over their heads.”
“It may not be fancy, but it’ll do.” ~ Kerr1982
“NTA. They decided beforehand that they would pressure you and your husband to take your in-laws into your home.”
“They thought it was a done deal and don’t care that your MIL has never been polite to you.”
“Stand your ground.”
“They can go into housing for low-income seniors if they can’t afford assisted living, or they can spend down their assets and go into a Medicaid nursing home.”
“It’s karma.” ~ CoDaDeyLove
“So a brother called a family meeting not to discuss the parents and options, but to railroad you and your husband into having them live with you.”
“Love how they worked it out.”
“Since you are at the moment a stay-at-home parent and a nurse, you, because it will fall to you to do the bulk of the care and mental load, need to do this.”
“You needed to be direct, as they would have tried to give excuses and reasons; it could work and needs to happen.”
“I bet they weren’t offering how they would help out if you took them in, not that it matters.”
“Financial help?”
“A paid housekeeper?”
“Weekends at their homes?”
“Nope, you were going to be there for free care and probably stuck hosting everything since parents are there, and it will be easier to come over and see them there.”
“Why would one of the wives need to quit their jobs?”
“Do the parents have zero resources?”
“Long-term care insurance?”
“Are they parents in such bad shape that they can’t be home alone at all while they’re at work?”
“Good for you being direct, and if they took it as harsh, so be it. NTA.” ~ travelkmac
“NTA. You and your MIL don’t have a relationship.”
“That’s where it begins and ends.”
“Bold of them to assume you’d take on the responsibility.” ~ emaandee96
OP returned to answer some questions…
“I saw a few people ask about selling their home, assets, and inheritance.”
“They do not own a home, there are no assets, and no inheritance.”
“There is very little money, and it is being used for necessities.”
“It’s an unfortunate situation.”
“Update…”
“We all had dinner tonight to discuss the situation further.”
“We reviewed the cost of the assisted living facilities and the nursing homes in our area.”
“The brothers decided they could not afford even splitting the costs for either option.”
“They did ask again if we’d consider using the in-law apartment, but my husband told them that would not be happening.”
“After some back and forth, one of my sister-in-laws is going to quit her job after the New Year.”
“My brother-in-law not working was not an option for them due to the salary difference.”
“Their children will share a bedroom to make room.”
“There will be a home health aid for 3 hours, 2 times a week.”
“My brother-in-law will contribute when he’s home from work.”
“My other sister in law and brother-in-law will go to their house two weekends a month to help and give them a break.”
“My husband said he will help with the increase in bills from their parents staying with them, but that we couldn’t contribute more than that.”
“My brother-in-law did ask me to come by once a month to check on my in-laws and do assessments, but I declined.”
“I said if they have any questions, they can call me, but I wouldn’t be comfortable being more involved.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are under no obligation to go out of your way for someone who has shown you only disrespect.
You offered all you could handle.
That’s more than enough.