Understanding and respecting boundaries are not abilities that we just “get” from the time that we’re born. They are something we have to be taught and put into practice.
But even after we’ve practiced being respectful to those around us, we might still go too far with the people who make us comfortable, cautioned the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit, which can lead to some pretty inappropriate situations.
Redditor TA928363792 became concerned when she came across some ultrasound photos her husband was keeping on his phone from one of his employees.
But when the subordinate continued to message him with updates on her pregnancy, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t help but question if the employee lacked boundaries or if her husband did.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being concerned about an ultrasound picture on my husband’s phone?”
The OP found ultrasound photos on her husband’s phone.
“I (37 Female) noticed some ultrasound pictures in a message thread to my husband (39 Male) from one of his female subordinates.”
“We have been together eight years now and have two sons together. Like most relationships, we have had our rough patches, but we worked through them.”
“He is a manager at his company, and she is one of his subordinates on his team.”
The OP felt conflicted about what happened.
“I keep telling myself that it’s nothing, but at the same time, I’ve noticed this particular employee is updating him on every aspect (the baby’s heart rate, fetal growth, etc.), which I figured was more of an HR thing.”
“He has brought her up in conversation before, but the only thing that he has ever mentioned is that she is mentally unstable.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this sounded incredibly weird, possibly even an affair.
“NOR! It’s not normal to share that much information with a manager.”
“But, before you talk to him, get copies of bank statements, savings, investments, everything. Maybe talk to a lawyer first. ALWAYS watch out for your best interest. I wish you the best!” – Middle_Rip_114
“I didn’t see the big deal until you said that all he’s ever said about her is that she’s mentally unstable.”
“Like, if you’re close enough with a subordinate that you’re sending ultrasound pictures and pregnancy details, I feel like it’s someone you’re going to mention relatively frequently in a positive.”
“However, it’s possible they actually aren’t close enough for her to be sharing all of that information, and he just doesn’t know how to respond appropriately.”
“But calling her mentally unstable is definitely a red flag.” – GarbageCleric
“‘She’s crazy’ is what John Lennon told Cynthia when she was concerned about how much Yoko was contacting him.” – Squinky75
“He told you she’s mentally unstable, so that when she comes to your house and says she’s pregnant with his baby, you already think, ‘Oh, she’s the psycho one.'”
“NOR, you should take her number in case you want to hear the truth, away from him. She might protect him, or she’ll tell you the truth in hopes she gets to keep him for their new family.” – Large_Document9164
“Oh boy. OP, I don’t think this is innocent at all. This is not at all normal, and I do think it’s more likely that this is his child or she is saying it is his until it’s born and he can get a DNA test done.”
“I think that’s much more likely than the subordinate innocently being like, ‘Oh, my manager needs to know each step of my fetus’s development for time off purposes!'”
“Plus, to say she is crazy is to plant the narrative of, ‘Don’t trust what she says,’ in case you suspect something.” – Good-Sweet2070
“He’s already set up the narrative that she is mentally unstable to discredit her when she confronts you about being pregnant with his child. If she were truly crazy, he would be messaging her back, ‘Why are you sending me these? This is inappropriate, and I’m your boss,’ etc.”
“No one sends personal health info to their supervisor for ‘HR’ reasons.” – Lala5789880
“NOR. All I’ve ever had to tell a manager was that I was pregnant and the expected due date. No other proof or information necessary.” – Traditional_Break272
Others pointed out that even if this wasn’t an affair, it was still a problem at work.
“If he stays on the denial train, tell him you’re going to go to HR. If he didn’t cheat, they’ll handle her. If he did cheat, it’s an abuse of power, and they shouldn’t work together.”
“He’ll probably come clean, so you won’t do it. If he did cheat, I’d still talk to HR (and not warn him in advance). I was cheated on in my first marriage, repeatedly. I still regret keeping quiet. There were no consequences for him except the divorce.” – HotWaffles5
“OP, please say nothing to your husband until you’ve ‘quietly’ looked into things. You must move in the shadows, check his phone and devices, and take screenshots.”
“This is NOT normal behavior by his subordinate and him. It’s way too intimate.”
“You must dig for truth before asking him, so he doesn’t go on a deleting spree.”
“If he’s got an old device around, grab it, charge it up, turn the volume off, and read their messages between them in real time.”
“Also, you need to check your bank and credit card statements for any odd cash withdrawals and credit card purchases. Trust me on this, you need to do all of the above.”
“Do not just ask him straight out yet til you have more info that he can manipulate if he’s hiding anything.”
“You need to hire a Private Investigator. Like ASAP.” – Final_Technology104
“NOR. This is not normal. Not for husbands, managers, HR, none of it. I would definitely be asking questions.”
“Him saying she has mental issues is another red flag. That’s a common thing men say about affair partners to throw their wives off.” – Visible-Day-7814
“Not to excuse OP’s husband’s behaviour, but it can also be a valid claim. It took me rather too long to realise that the friendliness of a colleague wasn’t normal. It was only when she called me endlessly one weekend, drunkenly saying how she felt about me (I eventually unplugged the phone) that it was clear how wrong things were. My girlfriend at the time said I was naively oblivious to the signs before then.” – PuzzleheadedDuck3981
“The employee oversharing about her pregnancy could be a result of the mental instability and not OP’s husband having been involved with the fertilization process.”
“I’ve had employees tell me things I wouldn’t tell my closest friend. Luckily, I recognize it and have created very firm boundaries. OP’s husband could be quite oblivious.” – SparkleAuntie
“I wouldn’t confront him any further. Do your own investigation. Find out her name and get on her socials to see what she is sharing.”
“THERE IS NO REASON why she would share these with anyone she is not up close and personal with.”
“If she is mentally unstable, why is she still working there? Start with a tracker on his car and go through his devices.” – Ok-Process7612
The OP later shared an update in the comments, planning to talk to her husband.
“Thank you, everyone, for your replies and advice.”
“I’m going to bring it up to him when our sons are at their grandparents, because I don’t know how the conversation is going to go, and I don’t want to subject my children to any potential hostility or tension.”
“I plan to investigate further and will keep everyone posted.”
Fellow Redditors urged the OP to get her affairs in order before having the conversation.
“NOR. Please check your phone records first. To see if he has responded to her texts and then deleted them, so you only saw her messages to him and then used the ‘she’s unstable’ line.”
“I have a feeling you’ll find there’ve been ongoing texts exchanged between his and her phone numbers.”
“Although, for your family’s sake, I hope that is not the case. Good luck, OP.” – PB3Goddess
“While he definitely appears to be shady, why would he not delete everything if he’s deleting some stuff? Why leave stuff that is still very suspicious? Unless it’s to keep the ultrasound of HIS baby… Be careful, OP.” – loveofGod12345
“Stay strong, OP. Just in case, do you already have the full name of the coworker? If your husband sticks to the ‘unstable’ drivel or is more careful about hiding updates of their… uhh, her kid, you may want a means of contacting her or researching her social media.”
“NOR.” – Mariner-and-Marinate
“I do not recommend bringing it up to him! If he’s having an affair and is the father of her baby, you think he’s just going to tell you the truth?! No. Keep quiet. Do your best Sherlock Holmes. Hire a Private Investigator if you can. Move in the shadows till you have proof.” – Impossible_Balance11
“NOR. Please don’t talk to him. It’s only going to cause him to get better at hiding things from you, not only any affairs but assets as well. Confrontations are also dangerous for women. A man who is facing losing everything will do anything.”
“Research first. Screenshots, records, etc. Do not tell him anything.” – cultoftwinkies
This was one of those eyebrow-raising situations where this could easily be signs of an affair, but in all actuality, the employee could just as easily be acting inappropriately by sharing too much information with her boss, either because she trusted him or for maternity leave reasons.
According to the subReddit, it would be best for the OP to gather more information before moving forward, so she could plan for this being an affair that causes a divorce or inappropriate behavior that causes trouble at work.
While they could both lead to trouble, how the OP needed to react in the face of it was totally different.