There’s a saying that “an invitation isn’t a summons.” Being invited to an event doesn’t mean a person has to go.
But is it OK to skip a sibling’s wedding when time, distance, or money aren’t obstacles?
A woman struggling with that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
EnvironmentalBird457 asked:
“AITA if I skip my only sister’s cross-country wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (34, female) am seriously considering not going to my only sister’s (32, female) cross-country wedding this summer. My husband thinks it’s obvious we shouldn’t go, but I’m struggling with indecision.”
“Growing up, we were close. Then when my sis was 17, her boyfriend died.”
“He was with friends near a highway, running to the median, throwing sticks and rocks into the road. He got hit. He died in the hospital a few hours later, late at night.”
“My sister found out the next morning. Our mom got a call and had to wake her up to tell her. I mean it’s so horrific and awful, I can’t even write it to this day and not get upset, and I only met him twice. But he was her first love.”
“So I totally understand how devastating this was and I was there for her through all of it. But the punching bag nonetheless. For weeks she was in a trance saying ‘why Jay, why my Jay, why couldn’t it be anyone else, anyone else’.”
“And one night we were sitting on the couch while she kept repeating this and said, ‘Why not anyone else, I wish it was anyone else, even you (my name)’. I was stunned. My dad overheard and told her to stop that, you don’t mean that, that’s enough.”
“She said she meant it. I always let that go because she was in such a zombie state of grief. But I don’t know if thats normal to say something like that. Even though I think its pretty cruel. Because she shouldn’t wish this to happen to anyone, period.”
“What followed over the next 10+ years is harder to explain. She would spiral and lash out, at me, at our mom, at friends. She lost a lot of friends. Each one she lost, she’d take out her anger on me and my mom.”
“Emotional abuse over text that went on for years. If I ever tried to ask questions or talk about him at the wrong time I’d be scolded. Then I’d be accused of not being a safe person to talk to about it because I made her feel awkward.”
“I was trapped. Blamed for not engaging and punished when I did.”
“I believe her grief became an identity. In our small town, she got enormous community attention and sympathy, and I think that reinforced it.”
“Over time, anything hard that anyone else went through got minimized, because it wasn’t as bad as what happened to her. For over a decade, no one else’s pain was allowed to matter as much. It was a free pass for whatever she wanted.”
“She was also the second child, and I know she always felt shortchanged by that. This tragedy gave her something that was hers, a central place in the family, a reason to be attended to.”
“I think the grief eventually became less about mourning him and more about maintaining that position. A way to get attention. A way to control others. A way to test loyalty. But again, only my thoughts so maybe not.”
“It was devastating. For the next 13+ years she pressured me and our mom to reach out every year on his birthday and death anniversary.”
“During that time there were constant emotional abuse spirals over text. We were ‘punching bags’. When I forgot in 2023.. 13 yrs later.. she guilt-tripped me hard.”
“I sent her a long text explaining I couldn’t keep feeling obligated to text her on these dates every year, I shared how hard this has been on me all these years. How I felt like I’d lost a sister because grief had taken over her life for so long. For the first time I spoke up.”
“She never responded. Which stung hard. We didn’t speak for months.”
“Then I got engaged. We slowly started talking again. I decided to look past a lot of stuff and more issues that arose that year. A year later I dug deep and asked her to be my maid of honor. I thought maybe things could change. She was honored and said yes.”
“What did she actually do as my MOH? Well, no card. No gift. Never offered a speech. Bailed on getting ready with me, no word. Weird vibes and friction during all my festivities.”
“And after pressing my mom about her actions, she told me flying out to my wedding was ‘a burden’ for my sister. She has her own biz and makes 6 figures.”
“Now she’s getting married in June and she hasn’t asked me to be in her wedding party. Chose a friend as maid of honor. She’s excluded me from all general wedding updates/planning.”
“Hasn’t texted the past 5 months. I did get a couple of thank yous this fall when I sent her a thank-you card with pictures.”
“Last year we got into an argument. She was ripping into me about how bad it was I hadn’t sent my formal save the dates yet, even though she’d had the date for weeks.”
“I brought up the text she never responded to… that’s why I waited a few weeks to tell her I was engaged. My fault again.”
“She claimed she HAD written a response, but her therapist told her not to send it because ‘I wouldn’t receive it well’. So even her silence was my fault.”
“Then she said, ‘You don’t get it, just like a cancer patient, they’re the one affected. No one else’. Basically saying her suffering will always matter more than mine.”
“I just let the conversation end. What’s the point?”
“I’ve spent over 15 years walking on eggshells around her. I’m exhausted. I’m terrified of having the bad sister label forever and dealing with family fallout for the rest of my life.”
“I feel like if I don’t go that will hang over me forever. If I go, it’s self-betrayal. I’m deeply disappointed and resentful.”
“Have kept my distance for past 5 months. And still weirdly hopeful she’ll change.”
“My husband says this is exactly how toxic family dynamics work. You keep trying and they keep the power.”
“She did fly out to my wedding even if she complained about it. And she’s my only sister—maybe I should just suck it up and go.”
“We barely talk as it is but skipping her wedding feels so final. The idea of it being officially over terrifies me. I keep hoping she’ll change which is probably naive.”
“AITA if I don’t?”
The OP later added:
“I do have the time and money to go.”
“My dad isn’t invited. It’s conditional on him apologizing for an argument they had at my wedding celebration (that my sister antagonized—he said eff you to her following that), and he’s refused.”
“Her fiancé has also ignored my dad at family events because he won’t apologize.”
“His two sisters (my aunts) aren’t invited either. One of them lived next door to us growing up. The other one took my sister in for a few months during her mental health crisis in 2017. They’ve always been there for her.”
“So some people I’d most want to see won’t be in the room. I’d be attending a wedding where my dad’s entire side of the family has been erased, and has been central for our family my entire life, while sitting next to my mom, who’s enabled this whole dynamic for years.”
“So it runs deep.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“The action I feel I’ll be judged for is skipping my only sister’s wedding. I might be the a**hole because she’s my only sibling, she did show up to my wedding events (even if it was ‘a burden’), and not going could permanently damage our relationship and cause major family drama.”
“Part of me feels like I should just suck it up and go to keep the peace, and that skipping it makes me petty and unforgiving.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA whatever you decide, but I’d go just to deny her ammunition to feed her victim narrative.”
“And I’m petty. I’d make sure everyone knew your father and his family were excluded because your sister made an a** of herself at your wedding and is demanding your father apologize for not enabling her like your spineless mother.”
“Make a fun trip of it with your husband and ignore her and your mother. Let them wallow together.” ~ MohawMais
“NTA- I am going with NTA because I do understand how you are feeling.”
“Sadly I have a half sister and brother that I haven’t spoken to in nearly 10 years because I got tired of only being invited to events that involve money. She never invited me to her wedding, never called to just talk or have a coffee together.”
“So I do understand, but with that said you acknowledge that she still went to your wedding regardless of her not wanting too, so I think…”
“I feel it would be more wise to go to her wedding, to be there for the event, and when it comes to the reception just talk with your husband and other family members, and if she approaches you to talk great if not no big worry at least you made the same effort she did and it is one less thing that she or other members of your family can hold against you but instead you can hold against them if need be.” ~ PicardNCC1701D
“NTA. But in saying that I would go and then the ball is in her court so to speak and if the wedding is the final time you see her, so be it.”
“Good luck with your decision, these family dynamics are sh*tty.” ~ kirstbro
“Skipping her wedding feels final because it probably would be. Personally I would go to the wedding but keep interactions to a minimum. View your relationship with her like that of a cousin that you grew up with but now only see at weddings and funerals.”
“Keep to shallow pleasantries, offer congratulations, make small talk with other friends and family there. Smile, wave, and go back to your life.”
“Stop texting your sister beyond generic Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas messages. Don’t keep trying to maintain a relationship. Drop the rope, but don’t burn it. It will still be laying there if she ever wants to pick it up and help carry the sisterly relationship, otherwise you just live your best life and wish her the same.” ~ Obtuse-Angel
The OP has a lot of things to consider.
Whether they attend or not is only one of them.