Toxic and abusive relationships are hard to leave, but once you do you need people around you that will support you and treat you with love and respect.
Redditor rofobol encountered this very issue with her brother’s girlfriend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for giving my brothers girlfriend a place to stay in secret from him?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My older brother Nick has always been a little troubled but a few years ago he met a girl I’ll call Mia who seemed to get him on the straight and narrow.”
“I met up with Mia for dinner recently to catch up. She seemed anxious and upset and after a while she opened up about how Nick was getting really jealous and controlling and was jeopardizing her ability to finish college.”
“Having issues with her living in an apartment where she could be having other men over. Having issues with her being in study groups and classes with mostly men in her engineering degree. He even contacted some of her professors behind her back because he did not want her on group projects with men.”
OP helped her get her priorities straight.
“My advice to her is that her education is the most important thing right now. That she should focus on her upcoming senior year even if that means making it a priority over her relationship.”
“She said she was worried she wouldn’t be able to do that without angering him, he’d shown up unexpected and angry a few times to her apartment and when she had to deal with him until he had calmed down she was missing deadlines.”
“She admitted she felt like she didn’t want to be with him anymore but she was scared of what would happen if she broke up with him.”
“He’s paying for some of her school costs and she doesn’t have family support. Plus he wouldn’t take it well, she thought, and she wouldn’t feel comfortable staying in her apartment.”
OP offered her own place.
“I told her that she could stay with me, for senior year. Pay me below market rent and use the savings to cover other expenses.”
“The only thing I’d ask is that she doesn’t tell Nick where she is living or that she’s still going to the same college, or anything like that. Because I didn’t want to deal with the drama of having him show up at my house with a bone to pick.”
“She agreed and moved in as a roommate.”
“She lost his number and locked down her social media, switched jobs and told her professors to not answer his emails, and all that.”
“But then my mom came to visit unannounced and saw an Amazon package in the driveway addressed to Mia. She found out I was roommates with her now and had helped her ‘disappear’ on Nick.”
“She was really upset with me because family comes first and Nick had been spiralling after his girlfriend ghosted him with no explanation. And that it was terrible of me to help her leave him without even a breakup or explaining.”
OP was very upfront about her reasoning.
“I said that he was hurting her chances of finishing college and I felt like that was more important than a boyfriend.”
“Hadn’t she always told me to focus on my school and career and not get sidetracked by boys? If she knew that was what was best for her own daughter couldn’t she want the same for someone else’s daughter?”
“She said I was twisting her words, there is a difference between focusing on school and ending a relationship that was headed towards engagement with only a message saying to leave her alone.”
“AITA for helping my brother’s girlfriend leave him quietly?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were conflicted about who was at fault.
“NTA, but let’s say what you did: help her escape an abusive relationship.”
“Your brother is controlling to the point she DOESN’T FEEL SAFE leaving him. The AH here, apart obviously from your brother, is your mom, whose golden child can do no wrong: if she was like this every time he did something wrong growing up, it is probably the reason he is like this towards women.”
“Make sure your mom understands how bad it is and does not tell him she is there, and if possible help the poor girl organize a plan B, in case he found out and posed a threat to her.”
“Good job helping the girl but this is far more serious than a jelaous college bf.”
“EDIT: wow, thank you for the upvotes and awards! Also, I hope OP gives an update soon, i really hope everything will turn out ok.” ~ IfYouSeeKay_8888
“This. I am worried that mom will be a flying monkey to Nick and tell him where Mia is hiding.” ~ Slow_Owl
“She’s probably just hearing Nick’s side of things — since he seemed to think he owned Mia, he probably figured they’d get married.” ~ Ravenclaw79
“Same, I can’t for the life of me figure out why OP didn’t explain more of this to her mom instead of acting like it was all about focusing on school. Unless maybe OP didn’t want to tell her mom Mia’s personal business, which I guess now that I think about it was probably correct. Still, she could have made it clear imo without going into details and betraying Mia’s confidence.” ~ TellSomebodyIt_
“OP is s total bad ass and it’s amazing that they were able to keep this secret for as long as they did. That being said, OP, please get ready for your brother to show up at your apartment, and be prepared to call the police when he comes.” ~ XenosTrashBrigade
“I wish more people understood that women aren’t obligated to be therapists and life coaches for their SO’s.”
“Women are expected to have our shit together in a relationship, otherwise we get dumped for being ‘psycho’ or ‘needy.’ Why should we have to put up with issues that men wouldn’t tolerate?” ~ Carbonatite
OP did the right thing by getting Mia out of a dangerous situation.