Married couples have different ways of bantering, ranging from the harmless to downright cruel.
One woman was very upset when a comment her wife made really hit home.
Her resulting action led her to seek judgment from strangers online on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Desperate-Solid-2378 asked:
“AITA for leaving my wife at a restaurant after she insulted me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (31 F[female]) and I (30 F[female]) were at a restaurant to celebrate a big milestone in my career. I was talking about my career in voice acting (which i absolutely love) before she decided to insult me by saying ‘you should be a mime instead so no one has to hear you talking anymore’.”
“My wife always makes a lot of jokes like these, basically insulting me, which I usually don’t pay too much attention too. This ‘joke’ in particular really hurt me because I used to be very self conscious about my voice due to being bullied for years about the way I used to speak, so this hit me really hard.”
The OP continued:
“She also knows this was a hard point in my life, and it was very hard to get past it. After she said this, I just said, ‘Are you serious?’ before standing up abruptly and walking away. I didn’t tell her where I was going, but I drove to my studio and have been here for the past few hours.”
“She has been blowing up my phone with calls and messages about leaving her at the restaurant to pay the bill (it was an expensive restaurant, and I usually pay for our outings as I make more money) and for leaving her ‘stranded’ as I took the car when I left.”
“I’m not sure if I’m overreacting as my wife always says this is just her sense of humour, and I need to stop being a snowflake, but she is blowing up my phone, calling me immature for leaving over a ‘joke’. Am I the a**hole for leaving her at the restaurant?”
“edit: since a lot of people are referring to me as a man, husband, he/him. I am a woman. me and my wife are lesbians!! thank you”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“My ex wife would do this stuff all the time, and I didn’t fully recognize it as abusive until after we split. In my case, it ended up getting so awful she would ‘joke’ nearly every day about me ending my life and making it look like an accident so she would get insurance money.”
“And where I finally decided to draw a line with her was the fact that nobody else was around to laugh at her biting wit. So, who was this joke for? Certainly not for you. Was the server laughing? Meanwhile, if someone was around to laugh, what’s the joke? You get to feel humiliated and exposed?”
“I don’t blame you for walking out. This stuff escalates over time until you just can’t sit there and take it anymore. NTA.” – Opening-Flan-6573
OP, a lot of my lesbian friends have been hurt by the myth that lesbian relationships can’t be abusive in the way some straight relationships are. Don’t think emotional abuse can’t happen to you – mean girls at school often grow up into abusive spouses.
Ask yourself – do these ‘jokes’ often happen when you’re the centre of attention or when something is going well in your life? Is she super supportive when everything’s going badly for you but can’t bring herself to be happy for your happiness? Does she feel a need to pull you down when you’re feeling good…?
“NTA! You guys need to have a serious talk.”
“If her ‘sense of humor’ means bullying you and using your vulnerabilities against you, that is a no go. You seem to have grown quite accustomed to ignoring these jokes but it’s not okay – she is supposed to be your person, in your corner above all, not hurting you – isn’t that what marriage is about?”
“And here is where you might be a little bit of an AH – to yourself – you deserve better than bullying and verbal abuse in your own home and from your loved one.”
“Maybe therapy or someone mediating these conversations could help.” – PerspectiveNo3782
“This is called emotional abuse. This is also something narcissists love doing. Not saying she is one but that’s what they do too. She is insulting you, dismissing your feelings, and gaslighting you. I obviously don’t know the whole situation, but it seems like she’s taking advantage of you. You pay for everything and then she’s insulting you. Doesn’t sound like a good wife to me.” – No-Purpose-4804
“So OP I’m not a fan of people who have to be ‘excused’ because that’s just how they are. No, I’m not excusing your sense of humor when it’s at my expense. If you talked crap about her like she does you, I bet it wouldn’t be so easy for her to laugh off. Maybe the setting and situation wasn’t the best to take a stand but when someone we love hurts us we can’t control it.”
“Use this as a time to take a stand for the future. Tell her you will be happy to apologize for leaving her after she apologizes for hurting you and calling it humor. Tell her she may think she is funny but she isn’t and you’re done being the butt of her jokes.”
“So the first step is for her to realize SHE is the problem, not you. You’re not the one who regularly insults their partner and calls it humor. This will only be importent to her if it’s importent to you so don’t back down. “ – prb65
“Straight guy with a lot of trauma, so take it from that angle.”
“NTA.”
“Things that could be going on that you may want to consider.”
“The easiest answer is she is insecure, and your success in voice acting celebration allowed that to come to the surface.”
“Another possibility, the making fun of you jokes are really a symptom of something deeper for both of you. As you mentioned, you were bullied. I’m guessing she was as well. You’ve addressed it in a healthy way. She hasn’t addressed her issues and justifies her cruel comments by saying it’s a joke.”
“Another possibility is that she feels like she has sacrificed a lot for your success and isn’t being recognized.”
“Another possibility, from left field, someone else has caught her attention.”
“There’s more possibilities, but so little time.”
“Whatever it is, she’s not in a mature enough space to talk about things like an adult. Instead she belittled you. That’s not what partners do in a healthy relationship. Life is hard enough, you don’t need your best friend and lover making it harder.”
“My best wishes for you both.” – lostgravy
“NTA. your wife already knows this is a sensitive topic for you so she shouldn’t be making jokes about things that would clearly hurt your feelings, especially at a meal dedicated to your career 🩷” – miupyon
“NTA. Your wife is a bully who is upset that you finally stood up to her and showed up her poor behaviour. She belittles you via her so-called sense of humour to make herself feel better about herself.”
“I would hope that this might make her think about her behaviour in future, but I doubt it. Bullies never change – they just become more subtle or find a new target. You need to have a good long think about the whole relationship.” – Fatty_Bombur
“You are married to a horrible person who bullies you and is a mean girl, then uses the excuse ‘it’s just a joke’ as a get out of jail free card. The first thing I have to ask is, why are you with her? You have to tell her that she needs to be better if she wants to stay married to you.”
“Your line has been crossed, and you have to lay down the law to her, telling her you will not accept such treatment moving forward. She is supposed to love and support you, but she is doing the opposite. I don’t blame you for walking out after making such a comment. NTA.” – Conscious-Arm-7889
“NTA. Your wife sure is, though. The first thing anyone owes their partner is respect. The second you stop respecting and admiring each other is when the relationship begins to die. She needs some help learning to respect you again, otherwise, you should reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a bully. “ – Noodleswiththeeggie
Overall, Redditors thought the OP did what she had to do in the moment someone who she thought would be her closest ally insulted her on a vulnerable issue with deep origins.
They reminded her that this kind of repeated bullying was not something she should put up with in a marriage.
Hopefully, the OP’s wife will listen to any discussion on the matter and be open to changing her behavior to avoid further pain.
Otherwise, it may not be worth sticking around and waiting for another similar attack.