Having difficulties conceiving a child can be difficult to manage in many marriages.
Often, there can be far too much stigma surrounding the issue.
Sometimes, people need help starting their family. And there's nothing wrong with that!
Families are made in so many different ways.
Why can't they all just be embraced?
Redditor RedHeadRedeemed wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AIO to my husband lying about our sperm donor?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Due to fertility issues on both our parts and attempting for a 2nd child for 3 years, my husband and I opted for a sperm donor for conception, and I am now currently 5 months pregnant with the donor baby."
"The whole process and choice were really hard on both of us, but especially my husband."
"He flipped back and forth whether he was or wasn't willing to go the sperm donor route, but eventually told me he was okay with it."
"When I first got pregnant, he definitely seemed to struggle with the fact, but in the last few months has seemed to come to accept it."
"However, he really struggled with telling his family, especially his dad, who was a little less than enthused at our choice."
"He was very concerned with their judgment about it."
"Well, his dad was staying with us this weekend, and I overheard the two of them talking after a few drinks about the pregnancy."
"His dad was essentially saying if it were HIM, he never could have been okay with it, and he asked about the donor."
"I heard my husband straight-up lie to his dad about the features of the donor, making the donor sound a lot more traditionally 'perfect' than the donor actually was."
"He told his dad the donor was really tall, super athletic, and really muscular; none of these things was really true."
"I am hurt because I feel like the fact that he lied to his dad means that he is essentially ashamed of the origins of our baby-to-be and thus possibly our baby."
"I haven't yet told my husband that I overheard this conversation."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I overreacting? Should I not be upset about the fact that he lied to his dad about this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole, but this is a very sensitive topic, so there is room for discussion.
"Your hubby might need to talk it through with a professional, just to help him process." ~ Mobile_Scarcity_7948
"This. OP, your husband must work through his feelings about this."
"Speaking as a donor-conceived person, you both need to be on the same page about telling the truth to your child and being comfortable doing so."
"And yes, that includes being honest with family members, friends, etc."
"Because as your child grows up, it should not be their burden to keep track of what grandpa knows, or doesn't know, and if your husband is uncomfortable, it is very common for children to pick up on that and perceive it as something shameful about themselves." ~ Lotsofelbows
"Absolutely, I wasn't donor-conceived but adopted, and I found my own papers when I was 21."
"Granted, I love my parents, and they are wonderful to me, but I really wish they had just told me instead." ~ Odd-Ad1576
"This is just an aside."
"My parents lied to me about using a sperm donor for 43 years."
"When I found out through 23 and Me, it really screwed me up."
"It also had health implications."
"Please be honest with your child about his/her origin, and get him/her screened for genetic mutations so as to have a more complete picture of health and potential health problems." ~ BlackCatBonanza
"I've heard there are little kids' books about being adopted."
"I wonder if there's an equivalent."
"It crushed me when I found out a week or so after my grandfather died that he wasn't related to us, and that's not even my parent."
"Definitely treating it like it's a normal thing, not hidden, and not something shameful, is absolutely the way to go."
"I don't know why people feel the need to hide these things from their kids."
"I still forget to not include my grandfather and his parents' medical history in my own whenever I'm asked." ~ TealedLeaf
"You are going to be great parents!"
"I love your honesty- and you're so right, it's not a dirty little secret, let people feel/ think what they want- You aren't responsible for their feelings- As long as it's what you want, then it's no issue."
"Your hubby only said white lies, probably because he knows his parents aren't entirely supportive already: And tbh even if it was true, it doesn't mean baby will necessarily inherit those physical traits."
"It's early days in the pregnancy- once baby is here, dad will bond - and his parents will fall in love with baby - it's just fresh and initial reactions."
"You aren't having a baby 'for them' or need their approval."
"You're having a baby because this is what you and your hubby want."
"All the best, and congratulations 🥳." ~ Beautiful_Reply3490
"Thanks for sharing your perspective."
"Our decision to tell our kid early and in age-appropriate ways with every question or conversation was a bit like diving off a cliff, not knowing what was below. Scary."
"But it's been honestly an almost nothing burger."
"He's moderately interested in finding half-siblings when he's an adult, but otherwise unfazed."
"I hope you found peace with your family." ~ epresco
"Your husband might need therapy to help him process this."
"It doesn't help that his dad is so against it."
"This is a 'real man's' issue, and it sounds like your husband feels he is less than."
"Be kind to him."
"This is hard for him." ~ Curiosity_mKitty
"This isn't about you and your feelings."
"This is between his dad and himself, but mostly this is about him."
"He's the one without any DNA attachment to this child, not you."
"His feelings must be all over the place."
"I think perhaps therapy is good for both of you, because I really feel like this is going to be a long-term problem if your hubby is struggling to accept the situation as it is." ~ nibblesyble
"The husband needs therapy before the baby is born because it will become much harder for him then."
"He may struggle to bond with the baby, knowing that it's not 'his' and not being able to see any of his features in the baby." ~ Unicorns_Rainbows5
"I've lied to my parents just to make them comfortable."
"Also, to shut them up about what isn't their business, and to change the subject."
"His dad has certain ideals."
"He could have just been trying to appease him."
"Your husband was reluctant to do this at first."
"He has to be having feelings about it."
"Joy that you're pregnant, and worry that the baby won't pass as his to outsiders."
"Fear of what his family thinks of him, he is dealing with issues.
"It was his sperm that was failing, so that's another thing he is dealing with."
"Maybe just focus on whether he is happy you're pregnant, because I bet he is!!"
"Yor." ~ fromhelley
"The gentlest YOR I can give."
"This is extremely difficult for your husband, and I think you should give him some grace."
"Infertility hits couples hard, but I can promise from personal experience that it hits the infertile person harder."
"Especially the one who has to sacrifice giving something towards making the baby."
"I don't think he's ashamed of your baby; I think he's just navigating the very lonely world of infertility."
"While in a perfect world, he would be fine with things as they are, human emotions rarely follow that pattern."
"He's going to be feeling a lot of things that won't make sense to him, and even some things he can't name."
"If he feels better exaggerating the beauty, athleticism, or intelligence of the donor, then just let him have it."
"It doesn't change anything about your child, and I highly, highly doubt it changes his feelings towards your baby."
"It's likely just helping him cope with what is already going to be a heartbreaking situation for him (because even though you're pregnant now, the emotional whiplash of infertility lasts for years even after a baby is born)." ~ BinkiesForLife_05
"He lied to his dad, not to you."
"His issue is with his dad."
"I had a grandfather who believed adopted grandkids were not truly his grandkids, even though 2 of them were."
"I have an adopted daughter who was born after he died as well."
"Some old timers have issues with this stuff that they shouldn't have."
"Dont hold this over against your husband."
"He is struggling with his relationship with his dad, but feel free to talk to him about it in a non judgemental non argumentative way." ~ Maximum_Overdrive
OP came back to chat...
"For those wondering WHY we opted to inform family about this baby's origins, we agreed to do that because we didn't want it to be some dirty secret, like we need to be ashamed of it."
"We plan on being very open with the child about their origins as well because we never wanted them to be surprised about it or feel like they need to feel less than for how they were created."
"FINAL VERDICT: Seems the consensus is that I am somewhat overreacting, and with your arguments, I agree."
"I'm going to let it go."
"I don't think it warrants a conversation with him, and I trust my husband that he is working through it in his own way, and I'm going to let him do that."
"As I have so far, I will continue to check in with him to see if he wants to talk about it and knows I am willing to listen and discuss it with him."
Glad to hear that you have a plan, OP.
This isn't an easy conversation to have.
But it's great that y'all are having it.
It's going to be quite a journey, but you sound prepared.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp