Having difficulties conceiving a child can be difficult to manage in many marriages.
Often, there can be far too much stigma surrounding the issue.
Sometimes, people need help starting their family. And there's nothing wrong with that!
Families are made in so many different ways.
Why can't they all just be embraced?
Redditor RedHeadRedeemed wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AIO to my husband lying about our sperm donor?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Due to fertility issues on both our parts and attempting for a 2nd child for 3 years, my husband and I opted for a sperm donor for conception, and I am now currently 5 months pregnant with the donor baby."
"The whole process and choice were really hard on both of us, but especially my husband."
"He flipped back and forth whether he was or wasn't willing to go the sperm donor route, but eventually told me he was okay with it."
"When I first got pregnant, he definitely seemed to struggle with the fact, but in the last few months has seemed to come to accept it."
"However, he really struggled with telling his family, especially his dad, who was a little less than enthused at our choice."
"He was very concerned with their judgment about it."
"Well, his dad was staying with us this weekend, and I overheard the two of them talking after a few drinks about the pregnancy."
"His dad was essentially saying if it were HIM, he never could have been okay with it, and he asked about the donor."
"I heard my husband straight-up lie to his dad about the features of the donor, making the donor sound a lot more traditionally 'perfect' than the donor actually was."
"He told his dad the donor was really tall, super athletic, and really muscular; none of these things was really true."
"I am hurt because I feel like the fact that he lied to his dad means that he is essentially ashamed of the origins of our baby-to-be and thus possibly our baby."
"I haven't yet told my husband that I overheard this conversation."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I overreacting? Should I not be upset about the fact that he lied to his dad about this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole, but this is a very sensitive topic, so there is room for discussion.
"Your hubby might need to talk it through with a professional, just to help him process." ~ Mobile_Scarcity_7948
"This. OP, your husband must work through his feelings about this."
"Speaking as a donor-conceived person, you both need to be on the same page about telling the truth to your child and being comfortable doing so."
"And yes, that includes being honest with family members, friends, etc."
"Because as your child grows up, it should not be their burden to keep track of what grandpa knows, or doesn't know, and if your husband is uncomfortable, it is very common for children to pick up on that and perceive it as something shameful about themselves." ~ Lotsofelbows
"Absolutely, I wasn't donor-conceived but adopted, and I found my own papers when I was 21."
"Granted, I love my parents, and they are wonderful to me, but I really wish they had just told me instead." ~ Odd-Ad1576
"This is just an aside."
"My parents lied to me about using a sperm donor for 43 years."
"When I found out through 23 and Me, it really screwed me up."
"It also had health implications."
"Please be honest with your child about his/her origin, and get him/her screened for genetic mutations so as to have a more complete picture of health and potential health problems." ~ BlackCatBonanza
"I've heard there are little kids' books about being adopted."
"I wonder if there's an equivalent."
"It crushed me when I found out a week or so after my grandfather died that he wasn't related to us, and that's not even my parent."
"Definitely treating it like it's a normal thing, not hidden, and not something shameful, is absolutely the way to go."
"I don't know why people feel the need to hide these things from their kids."
"I still forget to not include my grandfather and his parents' medical history in my own whenever I'm asked." ~ TealedLeaf
"You are going to be great parents!"
"I love your honesty- and you're so right, it's not a dirty little secret, let people feel/ think what they want- You aren't responsible for their feelings- As long as it's what you want, then it's no issue."
"Your hubby only said white lies, probably because he knows his parents aren't entirely supportive already: And tbh even if it was true, it doesn't mean baby will necessarily inherit those physical traits."
"It's early days in the pregnancy- once baby is here, dad will bond - and his parents will fall in love with baby - it's just fresh and initial reactions."
"You aren't having a baby 'for them' or need their approval."
"You're having a baby because this is what you and your hubby want."
"All the best, and congratulations 🥳." ~ Beautiful_Reply3490
"Thanks for sharing your perspective."
"Our decision to tell our kid early and in age-appropriate ways with every question or conversation was a bit like diving off a cliff, not knowing what was below. Scary."
"But it's been honestly an almost nothing burger."
"He's moderately interested in finding half-siblings when he's an adult, but otherwise unfazed."
"I hope you found peace with your family." ~ epresco
"Your husband might need therapy to help him process this."
"It doesn't help that his dad is so against it."
"This is a 'real man's' issue, and it sounds like your husband feels he is less than."
"Be kind to him."
"This is hard for him." ~ Curiosity_mKitty
"This isn't about you and your feelings."
"This is between his dad and himself, but mostly this is about him."
"He's the one without any DNA attachment to this child, not you."
"His feelings must be all over the place."
"I think perhaps therapy is good for both of you, because I really feel like this is going to be a long-term problem if your hubby is struggling to accept the situation as it is." ~ nibblesyble
"The husband needs therapy before the baby is born because it will become much harder for him then."
"He may struggle to bond with the baby, knowing that it's not 'his' and not being able to see any of his features in the baby." ~ Unicorns_Rainbows5
"I've lied to my parents just to make them comfortable."
"Also, to shut them up about what isn't their business, and to change the subject."
"His dad has certain ideals."
"He could have just been trying to appease him."
"Your husband was reluctant to do this at first."
"He has to be having feelings about it."
"Joy that you're pregnant, and worry that the baby won't pass as his to outsiders."
"Fear of what his family thinks of him, he is dealing with issues.
"It was his sperm that was failing, so that's another thing he is dealing with."
"Maybe just focus on whether he is happy you're pregnant, because I bet he is!!"
"Yor." ~ fromhelley
"The gentlest YOR I can give."
"This is extremely difficult for your husband, and I think you should give him some grace."
"Infertility hits couples hard, but I can promise from personal experience that it hits the infertile person harder."
"Especially the one who has to sacrifice giving something towards making the baby."
"I don't think he's ashamed of your baby; I think he's just navigating the very lonely world of infertility."
"While in a perfect world, he would be fine with things as they are, human emotions rarely follow that pattern."
"He's going to be feeling a lot of things that won't make sense to him, and even some things he can't name."
"If he feels better exaggerating the beauty, athleticism, or intelligence of the donor, then just let him have it."
"It doesn't change anything about your child, and I highly, highly doubt it changes his feelings towards your baby."
"It's likely just helping him cope with what is already going to be a heartbreaking situation for him (because even though you're pregnant now, the emotional whiplash of infertility lasts for years even after a baby is born)." ~ BinkiesForLife_05
"He lied to his dad, not to you."
"His issue is with his dad."
"I had a grandfather who believed adopted grandkids were not truly his grandkids, even though 2 of them were."
"I have an adopted daughter who was born after he died as well."
"Some old timers have issues with this stuff that they shouldn't have."
"Dont hold this over against your husband."
"He is struggling with his relationship with his dad, but feel free to talk to him about it in a non judgemental non argumentative way." ~ Maximum_Overdrive
OP came back to chat...
"For those wondering WHY we opted to inform family about this baby's origins, we agreed to do that because we didn't want it to be some dirty secret, like we need to be ashamed of it."
"We plan on being very open with the child about their origins as well because we never wanted them to be surprised about it or feel like they need to feel less than for how they were created."
"FINAL VERDICT: Seems the consensus is that I am somewhat overreacting, and with your arguments, I agree."
"I'm going to let it go."
"I don't think it warrants a conversation with him, and I trust my husband that he is working through it in his own way, and I'm going to let him do that."
"As I have so far, I will continue to check in with him to see if he wants to talk about it and knows I am willing to listen and discuss it with him."
Glad to hear that you have a plan, OP.
This isn't an easy conversation to have.
But it's great that y'all are having it.
It's going to be quite a journey, but you sound prepared.
