Destination weddings take intricate planning.
There is so much to do for any wedding, but a destination wedding involves many more details.
One of the biggest issues is guest count and attendance.
The cost per guest rises exponentially when people have to start flying places.
That's why each spot matters, and excess is usually cut.
Redditor Particular_Reply_886 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA? My +1 to my friend's wedding wants to bring her sister as her own +1?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I was invited to a very expensive/exciting wedding in Lake Como this summer by my close friend from University, and as their wedding guest, I decided to invite my friend as my +1."
"Today, she texted me asking if she can bring her sister (essentially, I would have a +2)."
"I told her no."
"She then texted if I could at least ask the couple."
"I told her no, and that it was rude and inappropriate to ask."
"Out of anger, I also told her that she didn't have to come to the wedding herself if she didn't want to."
"She responded, saying, 'WTF is wrong with you?'"
"Her sister has never met the couple (doesn't even know who they are), and my +1 has only met them once."
"This is a small, intimate multi-day wedding, and each seat probably costs in the thousands to tens of thousands."
"I feel like I've been put in a very uncomfortable position."
"She doesn't understand why it's inappropriate and mentions that it's not like she wants me or the couple to pay for her sister, but obviously, her sister being there costs the couple thousands of dollars."
"I will say that I know she doesn't mean to ask as a way of trying to take advantage of me to get to an opportunity to get her sister to attend a once-in-a-lifetime wedding in Como."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for thinking it's inappropriate to try and invite your sister to someone's wedding in Lake Como when you yourself are a +1 to begin with?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. Honestly, I'd uninvite her as my +1 if she's going to act like that." ~ East-Relative2011
"I feel like this is the only logical option."
"She either thought she could use the OP as a free trip for her and her sister, or she's not comfortable traveling with OP alone and was hoping her sister would provide a cushion.'
"Either way, that's not who you want with you as a wedding date." ~ SplendidDogFeet
"Obviously. He's giving much more credence to his +1 than I would." ~ Honest_Series_8430
"Hell, she did OP a favor by showing OP how she thinks and acts."
"Cause seriously, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. Imagine thinking it's no big deal to invite others along to someone else's party."
"And it's not a little or small get-together."
"It's a major milestone event type party." ~ kawaeri
"Exactly this. The child has never learned etiquette, apparently."
"I wouldn't want to bring an unappreciative, rude a** like that to this special event." ~ Idkwhy8154
"NTA, but if OP doesn't uninvite her, it would become an ESH tending towards Y T A."
"No one needs that kind of main character AH at their wedding."
"OP, either get a new +1 that is not a selfish and rude AH and tell the couple you're bringing someone different – or if you can't find someone else who can make it just tell the couple that you won't now be bringing a +1 and say you wanted to let them know so they can offer the place to someone else." ~ Topinio
"Agree! The risk of taking someone who is so out of touch with the outrageousness of that ask is going to do/say something stupid at the wedding."
"The risk of taking them is high. I'd definitely find a new +1." ~ molotovmerkin
"NTA, that is so inappropriate, not sure I would even still want her as my +1." ~ robynxcakes
"Do OP and both potential +1s understand that usually the bridal couple does not provide air transportation or hotel stays?"
"Of course, if the bridal couple expressly invited you to bring a +1, that's fine."
"But each guest pays their own way except for specific events or meals that are laid out in advance."
"Also, the guests probably get a special group rate for the hotel that was negotiated by the bridal family.'
"In any case, if u were invited to bring a +1, that usually is reserved for a B[oy]F[riend] or spouse."
"Not usually just another friend." ~ Worldly_Sink_6286
"NTA, don't even invite her, she's gonna embarrass you, bro." ~ TaterTot8
"NTA. She is being opportunistic."
"While she is your friend, she sees this as a free trip and is using this as an advantage."
"Weddings are usually priced per person."
"At a place like Lake Como, between 100 and 400 euros per person for catering and beverages."
'Your 'friend and her sister' are the inappropriate ones."
"I'd go alone if I were you." ~ Soft_Remote_1511
"NTA. A plus one asking for a plus one is a new one for me."
"It is incredibly rude." ~ Odd_Task8211
"You need to find a new +1. Pronto."
"Her request is the most idiotic thing I've heard all day."
"And I've heard quite a few dumb things today. NTA." ~ LawyerDad1981
"NTA! If you are certain your +1 is not trying to take advantage here, then she is very naive and needs to grow up."
"She IS asking the couple to pay for her sister."
"That too, when the couple didn't even invite HER."
"Have a very straightforward conversation with her that you will not be bringing her sister with you, and do not ask the couple even because you are a guest and it's impolite for guests to ask for more privileges than what is already offered to them."
"Also, make it clear that she is ONLY allowed to join you if she does not spend the whole trip pouting about her sister not being there and NEVER brings this topic up in front of the couple!" ~ Sure-Owl-3820
"No, NTA. Tell her no, and if she thinks it's okay to ask stressed people stupid questions, maybe she shouldn't come to the wedding either."
"Maybe she'd be okay begging 10k off of people she's met once, but you think that's inappropriate, for obvious reasons."
"Do your close friend a favor and keep this madness away from them." ~ badpebble
"If she doesn't know why this is inappropriate, then you definitely invited the wrong person."
"She's obviously self-centered if she doesn't know why it would be wrong to ask.'
"I'd ask someone else." ~ Seahawk021
"NTA, seriously, WTF is your +1 thinking??"
"Also, why in the Twelve Hells would +2, literally a total rando as far as the wedding is concerned, want to actually GO to a complete stranger's wedding?"
"Ditch +1 and find someone who isn't a total nutbag to bring as +1, or go solo."
"Solo is far better than anchored to cray-cray." ~ T-Chunxy
"Your friend has absolutely no idea of how this works - which is... fine, I guess."
"Maybe nobody ever taught her."
"What's not fine is her pushing back on your 'no' and demanding that you ask the couple."
"I'm quite certain she'll behave inappropriately at the wedding and embarrass you in other ways; I think that uninviting her is your best option."
"You're obviously NTA, and hopefully, some of her other friends will tell her that she is behaving badly.'
"But if this ends the friendship, know that that's on her, not you." ~ Moose-Live
"Just out of curiosity, how old is this friend?"
"Cause she sounds ridiculous and very immature."
"You are NTA."
"If she just wanted to ask her sister to join your trip without attending the wedding (her and her sister paying for their own tickets and accommodation), it would make more sense."
"Not sure where you are flying in from... if it's a week-long trip overseas, then the wedding would only be one or two days out of it, I guess."
"And yeah, Lake Como is not a cheap place to have a wedding."
"Accommodations there are also much more expensive than in most places in Italy." ~ lndlml
"Why do these people want to go to the wedding of someone they don't know?"
"Because it's expensive and there is free food and drink?"
"I understand going as someone's +1 because you're dating and are a couple, but your +1's sister just wants a free party.
"That is utterly ridiculous." ~ Beyond_The_Pale_61
"NTA - it would be weird AF to invite ANYONE last minute to someone's wedding ANYWHERE!"
"My bridesmaid tried to add someone the night before to my very small traditional wedding in our city because she just happened to run into someone at a bar that we went to high school with."
"I was like, um, no!"
"We had to finalize numbers a week before, and I also had to tell my mom no more add-ons, and she paid 1/3 of it!"
"It just doesn't work that way unless it's a casual thing at someone's house." ~ vancomb
"NTA, I'd not bring her with me anymore as she'll totally ask the couple why she couldn't bring her sister to their wedding."
"Asking if her sister can come stay in the hotel with you and visit Como while you attend the wedding is one thing, but asking for a +1, where does it end?"
"Her sister's friend wants to join, so you need a +3 then her parents, grandparents?!" ~ Gullible_Bar_7019
"Tell your friend that a +1 does not get to invite a +1 of their own."
"That's not the way it works."
"If she can't understand that, tell her you'll just find someone who does. NTA." ~ CharmingCandidate308
"OMG. Ditch her, and I'll go!"
"NTA, of course." ~ Criseyde2112
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your friend is completely out of line.
It may be time you search for a new plus one.
Enjoy Italy!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp