The job of an actor is filled with quirky work demands.
This is especially true for stage actors.
One of those demands can often be numerous and fast costume changes.
Sometimes a full costume change needs to be done in literal seconds.
This may require the flashing of some flesh in front of co-workers.
For significant others, that can be an issue.
Redditor Active_Camel_6334 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her career and her boyfriend’s expectations, so she turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Active_Camel_6334 asked:
“AITAH for not refusing to do a quick change because my B[oy]F[riend] is uncomfortable?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (24 F[emale]) am a full-time stage actress.”
“It’s my job.”
“My boyfriend (25 M[ale]), John, and I have been dating for four months.”
“Recently, I started rehearsals for a new show.”
“I have a couple of really difficult quick changes that require 1-2 people to help me with the change.”
“I brought it up the other day because they are just so difficult to do, and I wanted to rant a little.”
“He thinks that I shouldn’t be doing them.”
“To be clear, I let him know the show would have quick changes before, and he was fine with it then, but I think he might’ve assumed no men would be nearby while I thought I had properly explained that it would be whoever was available.”
“For more context, in one of the quick changes, I am doing it just off stage because I have so little time.”
“A stage manager (30s M) and one of my fellow actresses (21 F) are helping me with the change.”
“They do not touch me inappropriately, and although I’m technically getting down to my ‘underwear,’ it’s not like I’m in a bra and panties.”
“I wear so much spandex and shapewear to make sure I don’t flash people when I’m dancing or look weird in the costumes that I’m practically dressed still.”
“The other quick change I have time to go to the sort of quick change area we have with a curtain, and I only need another actress to help.”
“My boyfriend thinks I should say I won’t do the first quick change because it’s inappropriate since I have a boyfriend, or he thinks I should demand that the stage manager not help.”
“But the thing is, I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone who can’t handle some backstage quick changes.”
“They are not sexy in the slightest, and they are part of my job.”
“I want the production to go smoothly, and quick changes are already hard enough as they are.”
“I told him that if he’s not comfortable with that, I understand, and that it’s a valid boundary, and we should break up if he feels that way.”
“That I’m probably not the girl for him, and that I’m not going to date someone who isn’t comfortable with my career and all it entails.”
“He said I was trying to coerce him into letting other men see me in my underwear, and that I shouldn’t be in a relationship.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“Wait till he sees the sound guy ‘mic you up’ 🤣.” ~ chelle1664
“Just wait until you tell him about this place called the beach and the outfit people wear there!”
“If he has a problem with this, I don’t see how he can handle that.”
“What a moron and a control freak.”
“This is a very red flag.” ~ seminotfull
“God forbid she ever have an intimate scene with another actor, or, God forbid, a kiss.”
“He’s gonna lose it when he realizes that she’s rehearsing that scene, in addition to performing it.”
“In public, no less!”
“How dare she cuckold him in public like that?!”
“OP is NTA.”
“This guy is far too juvenile and insecure to be dating an actress.”
“She will be doing them both a favor if she ends this relationship now. “
“Given his mindset, nothing good will come from continuing it.” ~ Odd-Artist-2595
“He’s right ONLY in the sense that you should not be in a relationship with him.”
“He is too immature. NTA.” ~ shyfidelity
“He is going to lose his mind when OP has a part in a romantic scene.”
“OP is an actor. “
“He knew what her job required.”
If he is that fragile and insecure, this is not going to work.” ~ Scorp128
“Agreed, his insecurity is going to be a huge problem.”
“If he can’t handle a simple dress change, then maybe he shouldn’t date an actress.”
“OP needs a partner who supports her and her career.”
“Not someone who will hold her back.” ~ IceSeeker
“100%. What an absolutely moronic request. NTA.” ~ Zakal74
“Right? What would OP do if she ever ended up in the emergency room with a male nurse?”
“There are way more male staff in those settings than female these days.”
“Would he tell them to leave, and she would just have to be in pain until a female nurse was available?”
“Does he not realize how absurd he sounds?”
“You are a person; he should not be in a relationship if he can’t handle the fact that other people will see and pay attention to you in even a non-intimate way, because you’re not an object he can just hide.”
“He sounds like a 5-year-old not wanting to share his action figures… lol.”
“I think OP dodged a bullet, honestly.” ~ Dependent-Deal982
“NTA. His comprehension of the situation is so wrong.”
“It isn’t sexual; he is making it sexual.”
“He doesn’t understand and is being controlling, possessive, and it is just the start.”
“Move on, and enjoy your life, and what you do.”
“The bottom line: As long as you are comfortable, there is no problem.” ~ Bong_Princess
“My ex was like this.”
“Still remember getting to my consultant gynae appointment I’d been waiting a year for, having expressed I’d prefer a female doctor, and seeing it was a man.”
“Stomach hit the floor, having to choose between my health and upsetting my partner, and knowing it’d be days and weeks of reassurance and fights.”
“I wasn’t even ‘allowed’ to wear dresses in case I ‘flashed’ someone, as once apparently I was so so careless at a party and uncrossed and crossed my legs wearing a skirt and the whole room saw my knickers. Apparently.”
“Leave OP, it doesn’t get better.” ~ pineappleshampoo
“I worked in a kitchen, and the staff change rooms were halfway across the stadium.”
“It was faster to change in the manager’s office than make the walk.”
“Sometimes you get a flash of underwear; everyone survived the trauma.” ~ Live-Succotash2289
“I guess the beach or swimming pool is off the table because an average swimsuit covers as much as underwear, and your boyfriend doesn’t want people looking at you.”
“NTA, but you should dump him.” ~ RedSAuthor
“NTA. Dump him if he has so little respect and understanding for your profession.” ~ Fit-Thing-953
“Seriously. Anyone who’s been involved in a quick change, or hell, even seen one, would understand that there’s no reason for jealousy.”
“If his girlfriend were a nurse, would he insist she not help a male patient with anything?’
“If he’s this jealous, possessive, and controlling after such a short time, I shudder to think what he’d be like after a few years.”
“Y’all are not right for each other, OP.” ~ hellofellowcello
“NTA. He said YOU are coercing HIM?”
“Four months… get out while it’s easy.”
“This road is all downhill.” ~ No-Alps6905
“NTA. I used to do burlesque, so I understand what back stage can be.”
“Everyone there is doing a job.”
“Changing/getting ready in a shared space is part of the job.”
“Nobody is having a sexy fun time back there.”
“This is going to be an ongoing issue with this guy.”
“If you cave to his demands this time, you’ll be doing it for every production going forward.”
“I’d cut him loose and find someone who understands.” ~ Training_Zebra_5714
“You don’t even have time to BREATHE during quick changes, whether you’re helping or changing!”
“NO ONE has the time for thinking!”
“I do know it’s hard for people who haven’t performed to realize how much ‘body’ everyone sees all the time.”
“I would liken it to being an OB/gyn, mammogram tech, doctor, or nurse.”
“It all blurs together.”
“OP, bless God/the universe that you’re learning this now.”
“I know it’s so hard to put yourself first, but you deserve it!” ~ k00kaburrasun
“NTA. You are right.”
“In your line of work, you clearly are going to have this come up more than this one time.”
“If he’s uncomfortable with it, then he’s not a good fit for you.”
“He should take his insecurities elsewhere.” ~ PandaMime_421
“NTA. Your stage manager is doing his job, not feeling you up.”
“Thankfully, you’ve not got too much time invested in that boyfriend.” ~ Hemenucha
“Essentially, he’s telling you he’s not comfortable with your job.”
“He either needs to accept that this is part of the job title or y’all need to end things.”
“I’ve seen behind the scenes of Broadway and Ballets, you need to be in and out of a costume in mere minutes or seconds in order to pop back into a new scene.”
“Unless he wants you to work with a full female crew, he needs to accept that men will see you half naked or otherwise.” ~ Commercial-Bug-1211
“I was a nurse.”
“This is the equivalent of my husband forbidding me from bathing male patients.”
“It is a no-go request for that particular career.”
“Sit him down. ‘Listen (name), quick changes need to be done quickly.'”
“‘I cannot wait for someone you approve of to help.'”
“‘This is part of my career and is NON NEGOTIABLE. If that is unacceptable to you, then we need to end this relationship now.'”
“NTA.” ~ kidd_gloves
“NTA. You have an exciting career; he sounds too lame for you.” ~ 000ps-Crow_No
Reddit has spoken, OP.
This may not be the man for you.
If he can’t handle your job, that’s his issue.
He’s not wrong in protecting himself, but it is HIS issue to deal with.
The show must go on!