Deciding to leave your kids at home for an adults-only occasion, whether it's just a few hours or a few days, is something modern parents seem to struggle with in a way that wasn't common when Gen-X were children.
But adults-only doesn't mean the event will involve activities that aren't child-friendly. Some adults enjoy kid-free trips to Disney or other theme parks.
Let's face it, including kids mean the children, rightfully, will determine everything. Their needs will take precedence over everyone else's.
A sibling trying to organize an adults-only trip turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Thetrajanhorse asked:
"AITA for not giving in to my sister bringing her child to our adults only vacation?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For context I am (25, female) and my sister is (32, female) with a 2-year-old daughter who is about as high maintenance as a toddler her age can be. I have a brother (21, male) who has been gone for two years on a service trip and will be returning next month."
"To celebrate him coming home, we decided we wanted to have a vacation that is adults only (me and my siblings) and no children. Now my sister is insisting that her child be able to come because she can’t get childcare for the trip."
"Meanwhile, my other brother (29, male) and my other sister (35, female) have gotten childcare for their combined six children, which was no small feat with that many kiddos. The sister in question is very much a helicopter parent, and her husband is as well."
"Overall we all feel that she should not be able to bring her child and just have to either not come to the trip at all, or leave her child with her husband and come alone. Or actually look for childcare because we have serious doubts she has."
"AITA or is she being unreasonable?"
"All siblings are bringing their spouses. Her husband is certainly invited, him staying with the child is a last resort due to her claiming to not finding childcare."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. It’s adults-only for a reason!" ~ Prudent_Awareness926
"Exactly, it shouldn’t be negotiable. Everyone else made arrangements for their kids, and she can either come alone or sit this one out." ~ QueenCharmingg
"No further discussion. Everyone else managed, she can too. Not even desperate; husband is available if needed. Go have fun…" ~ grandlizardo
"I'm wondering if she can't get care because the child is a terror." ~ StLeo21
"NTA. Tell her that you'll miss her if she can't figure it out. There's no way I'd let someone bring a 2-year-old on an adults-only vacation. It would completely change the vibe of the trip." ~ QueenMEB120
"Exactly. Also, it will become the sister's and her child's trip, with everything centered around them, especially the latter. She'll also find ways of getting her siblings to babysit because she will have a shower that should take 10 minutes, but will last for over an hour."
"I speak from bitter experience. Yeah, that's the concern once a toddler comes along, the schedule and activities can end up revolving around their needs, and everyone else gets pulled into helping."
"Obviously that might not happen, but the family shouldn't have to gamble on it when the whole point was an adults-only trip." ~ Sad-Animator-1813
"A toddler will indeed change the dynamic, whether or not the sister is a helicopter parent. Even if the sister is organised and requires minimum help, the adults have to mind how they behave, e.g, types of conversations, drinking etc..., when they should be relaxing and lettting their hair down."
"OP should tell the sister to either sit this one out, especially if she can not trust her own husband to look after their child. Man, that sort of thing burns me. I would never make adjustments for a child on my adult vacation. Not my language, music level, schedule. And sure as sh*t wouldn't babysit." ~ imsotired54
"Too right. You didn't bring the child into the world, your are not the parent. Re babysitting, you have to keep up that boundary, as parents can be very manipulative. It happened to me: I was dog sitting with a friend, who is a single mother and brought her very boisterous 4-year-old."
"She asked if I could keep an eye on her son, to which I naively agreed to. She took an HOUR, because she doesn't have that luxury of washing herself in peace. I was fuming, as her child has no off button; and, ultimately, it was her choice to have a child." ~ Aggressive-Peace-698
"Agreed. Yes, parents need breaks, but they did indeed choose to have kids." ~ Lumpy_Ear2441
"YUP. That two-year-old will become everyone else’s problem." ~ 2crowsonmymantle
"Not to mention the other siblings who have found childcare may well be angry over the 2-year-old coming along." ~ CommunicationGlad299
"Her child's personality is honestly irrelevant. There is no two-year-old on earth that wouldn't inexorably alter an adult-only trip by their very nature. Toddlers, by way of their developmental stage and needs, are not capable of blending in quietly to an adult-oriented trip."
"And even if they were, this trip was agreed to be adult-only. The only unreasonable person here is the person trying to break that agreement." ~ hiddenkobolds
"Yeah, exactly, the kid's vibe doesn't matter at all. A 2-year-old is still gonna need naps, snacks, and constant eyes on them. It stops being an adults only trip the second you make an exception for one kid. Honestly, your sister should just take the L and either leave the kid with her husband or sit this one out." ~ Aftely03
"Why can’t her husband look after his own child?" ~ ObjectiveRepulsive18
"She doesn´t want to go without him or he doesn´t want to be left out, but most likely the sister is just entitled and wanted to try to get special treatment." ~ hervararsaga
"If no childcare is arranged, the spouse staying home with the kid is the best solution, even if they were invited." ~ BigDisaster
"That’s part of the reality of kids. Sometimes you miss out. Hubby should step up and sit this one out so that she can go with her siblings. She can return the favour in the future." ~ ObjectiveRepulsive18
"While I can understand a parent not being comfortable leaving a toddler, you're still NTA. Waiting till everyone else has figured out arrangements to bring this issue up is sh*tty."
"She needs to accept that this, adults only, is what was decided on. She has three options: she doesn't go, finds childcare, or the dad can stay home and watch the kid."
"Does it suck? Yeah probably. But these are choices you have to make as a parent. Not everything will be child friendly. You sometimes have to miss out or find childcare." ~ black_widows_wine
"You know that she didn’t try to get childcare. She just thinks her toddler is 'special'." ~ emorrigan
"Exactly. This is something a lot of adults think nowadays. For some reason, just their child should be the exception." ~ Ordinary-Audience363
"NTA. It’s adults only. She either gets childcare so she can go or she stays home. It’s her decision." ~ ItsOk_ItsAlright
"When you have kids you make sacrifices and miss a lot of events and outings. She allegedly can't get childcare, so she just has to accept this. Maybe her partner can take care of the child while she goes."
"It's between them, but having a toddler to take care of will change the whole trip for everyone. NTA." ~ Something-funny-26
"Adults. Only. Which word is confusing her? Adults or only?"
"Tell her, 'Sis we'll all miss you and BIL if you can't find a sitter for during the trip.' No kids, no exceptions." ~ blondeheartedgoddess
"She really said, 'I can't get childcare' meanwhile the people with 6 kids between them managed to find childcare‽‽ Also, she has a whole entire husband who is perfectly capable of looking after the kid."
"NTA. She is indeed being unreasonable." ~ moonpoweredkitty
"Keep the discussion about the trip rule, not whether she's a helicopter parent; that label will just invite an argument about her parenting. Tell her the plan is adults-only, no exceptions, and let her decide whether she and her husband can attend." ~ dubois-v302544
"NTA!! Adults Only, is just that! But, be prepared, OP, sis IS gonna come AND bring that kid along! I smell it coming a mile away!" ~ Usual-Fig-8516
"I love how all these posts are always talking about how nobody would ever leave their toddler alone with a sitter. I’m a professional nanny and have done dozens of overnights—and some long weekends, and one two-week stretch—with young children."
"Obviously, I know the kids in advance, but the kiddos are totally fine! They have a great time! It is definitely doable." ~ vanessasarah13
"This is the thing that always confuses me, as a non-parent. My parents and all my cousins' parents left us with trusted carers ALL THE TIME. Literally at least once a week from as far back as I can remember."
"My parents would go on a date night every week, even if the only thing they could afford was the sitter, they would still go out and just go to the park and walk for a few hours and spend quality time together. They'd also go on weekend trips at least a couple times a year."
"This obsession with not leaving your kids ever seems like a really weird form of paranoid self-sacrifice. But I'm not a parent, sooo... grain of salt, I guess." ~ Silent_Ice_2588
OP and her siblings want to spend time welcoming their brother home after two years. He's supposed to be the focus of the trip, not her sister's toddler.
That's why there's an adults-only rule. Sister can either comply or stay home.
