When love goes wrong it can be dangerous.
And that danger can be a present for years to follow.
If that is the case, one has to do all they can to protect themselves.
Even if it lands you in chaotic circumstances.
Case in point...
Redditor actuatoad to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling his fiancee and parents that he's stalking me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a 27 year old woman and I briefly dated a guy in college."
"He got really clingy and wouldn't let me break up with him, and I ended up moving apartments."
"So yearrrs later a few times a year I get social media requests from extra accounts he's made after I blocked him."
"I figured it was him but some sleuthing confirmed it."
"I just kept not approving those new follow requests and deleting anyone off my social media if I wasn't sure who they were."
I" also found out he got access to my work calendar for a little while by making a fake 'client' account."
"Actual clients of mine can see my availability to book meetings but he was just trying to see when I was working I think."
"But I recently moved back to my old town and I joined a hiking group and then... Guess who 'happened' to be into hiking?"
"I damn near s**t a brick when I saw him and I just left."
"I took a picture before I went and I went home to figure out what to do."
"I didn't want this guy in my business anymore, he was honestly scaring me, but cops don't really do s**t until an actual crime has happened."
"And making 15 fake Instagrams and showing up at one hiking group didn't seem like something they'd take seriously."
"So I filed a report anyway but didn't expect it to go anywhere."
"Then I also unblocked him long enough to find his mom's and dad's Facebook account."
"And when I did, i also realized he was engaged to a woman."
"I was pissed off first that he was being so creepy."
"Then that he was doing that when engaged secretly."
"So I took my screenshots of 15 Instagram accounts, fake client account, etc... he made and evidence of them being linked to his phone number and sent them to his family and fiancé along with the picture from hiking."
"And I said that I dated this man in college six years ago and multiple times a year he tries to circumvent the fact that I have him blocked on social media by making fake accounts to friend me."
"And he showed up where I was at."
"And I filed a police report and if any of them care about him at all they better talk some sense into him and tell him he best leave me alone."
"Because if he kept coming around or trying to con me into giving him access to my life or location info on social media l would be pursuing it legally."
"His parents didn't answer at first but his fiancé flipped out at me calling me a liar."
"Then his parents chimed in in the group chat saying that they would have a talk with their son."
"But the way I brought this to their attention with a Facebook messenger group was insensitive."
"I got frustrated and said that being stalked was insensitive and I would appreciate it if they took this up with their son instead of me."
"And I was trying to give them the chance to hear it from me, when he still has a chance to cut it out, not from a collect call from jail."
"The three of them blocked me but I haven't heard a thing from my ex."
"I don't know if his family or girl believes me but I'm hoping that the fact that they probably asked him about it scared him straight."
"AITA for having put a stop to stalking like this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. You're already being very nice about it considering what a creep he is."
"If she still wants to marry him, it's really on her. Who knows?"
"Maybe she dumps his a**, and he switches target. Which is also pretty horrifying." ~ residentcaprice
"Let's just think a moment."
"Maybe you are the fiancé's age or the parents' ages... put yourself in their shoes."
"Go through your day today, la la di da. Sit down and check your social media."
"And wtf is this, some girl you don't know sent you a bunch of screen shots and accused your fiancé/son of stalking her for 6 years."
"And she's filed a police report and WE better do something before he winds up in jail calling collect to bail him out?"
"Is she f**king serious?"
"OP is NTA."
"But at this point, she's made her point."
"She's filed a police report so she has her paper trail."
"She's notified his family and fiancé."
"Back the f**k off, or she's going to look like the psycho stalker."
"This just got dropped on these people out of no where."
"Or this is a recurring issue and they already know about it and they are going to try to sweep it under the rug."
"Either way. OP now has her police report."
"She has proof she notified the family."
"If this dude continues, fuck the parents and the fiancé, call the police."
"File another report."
"Make a list of every time he's tried to contact you and push for a restraining order."
"Go the legal route."
"You gave them a chance, OP."
"Either they can control him or they can't, but that'll be their problem."
"You worry about yours." ~ CaRiSsA504
"NTA - while they probably can't force him to stop stalking you."
"There's a 100% chance they can't even influence him if they don't know there's a problem."
"They are likely embarrassed and reacted poorly by calling you insensitive."
"You had every right to lose any sensitivity the first time you had to move to try to get him out of your life." ~ lizzybell2019
"The parents reacted poorly to the "group chat" because it included his fiancé."
"They likely know that their son is a creep and we're hoping to keep the new fiancé from finding out."
"They wanted OP to privately message them so that they could keep the fiancé in the dark." ~ Wild_Statement_3142
"Agreeing with this."
"Also what was OP supposed to do; find out where they live and knock on their door."
"Who knows if creepy stalker lives there."
"Why would op put herself in that kind of position."
"She handled this in the right way."
"Possibly creepy stalker has shown this behavior in the past and parents are aware of his problems." ~ DarthRaydor1952
OP came back with more info...
"I got the impression they were mad I included her too."
"I think a lot of what they found inappropriate about my messages was the fact that I dropped all these accusations on his girl shortly before their wedding."
"I don't know what's going on but I hope she at least has an escape plan just in case."
"I think it might be because I just dropped a data dump of files and screenshots and internet traffic logs, and didn't try to start the dialogue more kindly."
"Just dumping a lot of evidence and saying 'your child/fiancé is a stalker.'"
"Which I can see as an insensitive way to tell a bride to be that her man isn't being loyal or... normal."
"NTA. Love the dismissal of the parents saying YOU are being insensitive (how the heck is using messenger insensitive??)."
"It is insensitive of THEM to be dismissing this and with proof of years of harassment and stalking."
"Frankly I don't expect anything to change, but at least you have lots of documentation." ~ Cyberdyne-800
"You are soooo NTA! I'm sorry you're going through this."
"OP, since he probably knows that you've reached out to his family, I'm sorry to say that this is a potentially dangerous time."
"He might escalate and try to see you, cause problems at your work, etc."
"So I highly suggest contacting a local domestic violence org to get their suggestions and support."
"They (unfortunately) deal with this alllll the time."
"So they can provide you with ways to protect yourself and might have legal support on staff so you can get a protective order, and other things to do."
"Wishing you lots of luck and safety and that this asshat disappears from your life (and also doesn't do the same to his fiancé when she breaks up with him)." ~ alwayswonderingwtf
"NTA. I had 2 different stalkers. NEVER EVER EVER feel bad about protecting yourself from those types of people."
"That is some bullsh** misogynist training that society has done to us."
"Your safety and security and sanity matters."
"Hopefully the fiancé will wisen up soon." ~ graygoosegg
Well OP, you are in quite the predicament.
And Reddit is here for you.
You have to put safety first, at any cost.
Sounds like you did just that.
Good luck to you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp