There are all kinds of arguments about what a woman should do with her body, whether it's how to dress it, how to wear her hair, or even whether or not to put on makeup.
But one of the big debates is how she should dress when going out in public, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Revolutionary_Iron30 was shocked when her aunt's response to discovering her niece wasn't wearing a bra was to demand that she put one on for safety reasons.
When her aunt stopped talking to her until she put one on, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was really so wrong for her clothing choices.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not wearing a bra?"
The OP generally only wore a bra when she felt necessary.
"So I, (17 Female) walked to the corner store close to my aunt's (34 Female) house."
"She originally was gonna go by herself but I was worried that she might get hurt and no one will be there to help her (she has arthritis and major back pain) so I decided to come with her."
"I want to preface this by saying that when I'm going somewhere quick (like the corner store to get one thing), I don't put a bra on and instead wear an oversized t shirt\hoodie."
The OP's aunt was uncomfortable with her clothing choices.
"As we were walking to the store, she was telling me how she was rushing so she didn't even have time to put socks on or fix her hair."
"I laughed and told her that I didn't have time to put a bra on and that I was in a bonnet so she shouldn't be too worried about her appearance."
"The conversation went like this:"
"Her: 'Stop going out without a bra. It's inappropriate.'"
"Me: 'I'm wearing a big t-shirt, so no one can really see my boobs.'"
"Her: 'It doesn't matter. Men will notice and still harass you.'"
"Me: 'If I'm getting harassed, it's not because I'm bra-less, it's because the person who's harassing me is a weirdo.'"
The OP's aunt did not respond well to this.
"The rest of the walk was silent and ever since she's been ignoring me."
"I told some friends about it and they said that I was wrong because it's impolite to not wear bras when you're going out bc kids could be around."
"I honestly don't see what I did wrong. I was going to a corner store that's a five-minute walk away from my house, not some red carpet event."
"Anyway, I just wanna know if I was wrong in this situation, so AITA???"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP had every right to wear what she wanted, in public or otherwise.
"NTA. Undergarments aren't visible items of clothing. Nobody in the public can tell for sure what you have on UNDER your clothes."
"They can guess if they scrutinize your private parts, obsessed with the hints that shape and drape give them. But it's gross to do that. It's gross to theorize what other people's underwear probably is. Gross."
"Wear a bra, don't wear a bra. It's your choice, and either way, you are appropriately dressed as long as you have on a SHIRT. Whatever underwear you wear, you are NTA." - Agreeable-Celery-811
"NTA, I hate the mentality that bras are some sort of required item of clothing. It's personal preference and nothing more." - Comprehensive-Tie395
"There is nothing wrong with going bra-less. I'm 44 Female, and I hate bras period. The only times I wear a bra is when I go to work, for a family get-together, and things like that."
"Usually, I'm bra-less with a hoodie or an oversized t-shirt while I'm out doing most things because I'm comfortable with it."
"Men don't get shamed for 'free-balling,' so why should women get shamed for 'free-balling'? Maybe it's because we carry our 'balls' higher than them?! I don't know." - m0rt4lfury
"I'm wracking my brain to figure out how your not wearing an item of clothing is 'impolite' to strangers who might or might not even notice. And so what if they did? You have breasts - sounds perfectly normal - you don't need to try to hide them. Hoodie or not. NTA." - ParsimoniousSalad
"The idea that somehow wearing a bra makes someone more modest or moral needs to GO. Doesn't matter what size someone is, either."
"I'm tired of people saying that we need to lash down breasts, but bellies, excess arm or thigh flab, double chins, etc., can all bounce around unfettered. Breasts are part of the body. Nipples are part of the body. They are fine. They are not inherently sexual. Letting them be reasonably covered is sufficient."
"This 'you have to wear a bra!' nonsense is spouted by men and women, with the implication that not wearing one is irresponsible, or indecent. It is ridiculous, and I WILL die on this hill. Wear a bra or not—your choice. But do not tell me I am somehow inappropriate for choosing not to wear one." - HappyLucyD
"NTA and I honestly NEVER wear a bra unless I'm in a professional setting. What's impolite is policing women's bodies and blaming them for sexual harassment perpetrated against them."
"Men don't harass women on the street because they're sooooo gorgeous and they think they're gonna get a date, or they were soooooooo shocked by the indistinct outline of a nipple they were compelled to speak by forces truly beyond their control."
"The point of street harassment is to remind women and minorities that we are not safe in public spaces and our bodies don't belong to us. Whether you personally are wearing a bra is truly irrelevant, I've been catcalled in sweatpants and a hoodie just the same as when I've been walking home from a bar." - breaking_sad_
"NTA. Times have changed. Wear what you want. You were exactly right, if someone harasses you, it's because they have a problem, not you. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and call out anyone that's disrespectful about your appearance." - kylecs7387
Others agreed and said the aunt was perpetuating rape culture.
"NTA. Kids might be around good maybe those kids will learn that an article of clothing that only came into existence about 150 years ago doesn't determine whether or not a person is a decent human being."
"The 'guys might harass you' part, that's what pepper spray is for, and honestly a guy is far more likely to harass someone with a bra showing cleavage than someone wearing a baggie hoodie."
"And third, how would she expect other people to tell when she couldn't tell until you told her?" - Ruckus555
"I'm stuck on her reaction of not talking to you - that is extreme! NTA IMO (in my opinion)."
"You even mentioned wearing oversized clothes, which seem to do the trick, as, if I am understanding correctly, she didn't even know you had no bra on until you told her."
"If she couldn't tell, it is likely all these hypothetical harassers and impressionable kids won't be able to tell either. And I doubt you will mention it to them." - ServelanDerrow
"I also just hate this line of thinking because if I learn how to dress in a way that victimizes me less, then I'm just setting up another woman to be hurt. It doesn't solve any issue and just perpetuates rape culture." - kubuubud
"I like the meme that I saw about rape:"
"If rape was about the way women dress, rapes would quadruple in the summer. They don't."
"If rape was about women being drunk, sober women would not get raped. They do."
"If rape was about how much sex a woman has, virgins would not get raped. They do."
"The only cause of rape is rapists." - Summerh8r
"This is rape culture and victim-blaming 101. 'If you had dressed differently, then ___ wouldn't have happened to you.' Absolute bulls**t. NTA." - Pineapple_Wagon
"NTA."
"Gosh... It's 2022. Do we really need to have this conversation over and over again? Okay, y'all repeat after me:"
"A WOMAN'S BODY IS NOT ANYONE ELSE BUSINESS."
"A WOMAN IS NOT RUDE OR INAPPROPRIATE FOR NOT WEARING A BRA."
"WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE WOMAN IT'S THE FAULT OF THE ASSAULTER AND NOT I REPEAT NOT OF THE WOMAN."
"So did everyone get it?" - whysocomplicated
"Oh no, the poor kids! How dare they see a girl's figure through an oversized tee-shirt?!"
"As if their mothers don't often walk around without bras or haven't breastfed, some of them up to the age of 4?!"
"Kids see boobs in their own home every day, kids see boobs through shirts even with bras on!"
"I literally haven't worn a bra since before the pandemic, do you, and if anyone says you should wear a bra because of men, tell them to stop perpetuating rape culture and victim-blaming!"
"If men can't control themselves around loose boobs, they should stay at home. NTA" - jaxbabe
"I usually walk around without a bra. They're uncomfortable so why do I have to spend all day in something that bothers me all the time?"
"To avoid being harassed by men you have to become a recluse. It really doesn't matter how you present yourself as long as it seems as if you have a vagina."
"Your aunt and friends are still used to the silly made-up social rules of women needing to wear bras because religion says women must cover up etc."
"NTA. You're not gonna stop getting harassed just because you have a bra on because that's a behavioral issue that isn't being addressed."
"If anything, bras bring attention to boobs as they're made to make boobs look a certain way... also bras, as they're sold in modern-day, have only existed for a few decades. It's all so arbitrary." - SambandsTyr
The subReddit was frustrated right along with the OP on this one. Not only are bras incredibly uncomfortable for a lot of people, but they absolutely should not be a requirement for going out in public, especially in the concern is safety.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp